Guilt and Shame During Taper

[[al...]]

Hi,

 

Is it common to feel a complete sense of guilt and shame when one is beginning a taper? For example, when I look at the amount of Klonopin I have to take at night, this overwhelming and all-consuming sense of shame and regret surges over me. I place the blame on myself rather than the doctor who prescribed this to me ten years ago. I blame myself for not having researched. Nevertheless, is this a common or even frequent sentiment whilst tapering? It occurs every night I reach for that dose.

 

 

[[Ch...]]

I can completely relate to this, alizarin.  Once I realized what Xanax had been doing and was continuing to do, every pill I took during my taper upset me.  I so wanted to just stop taking them but the body doesn't let go so easily.

 

I don't blame my doctor either.  We were both ignorant.  At one point everyone was ignorant.

[[al...]]

I have no idea how it will feel towards the end of a taper and I do know that mine will take several years (so as not to indirectly compromise an already delicate thyroid condition), but it does feel like an interminable road of shame is paved before me. Regrettably, these pills will be a part of my life for quite a large portion of my future and it is indeed an uncomfortable thought.

[[Br...]]

Not to invalidate your feelings, but I don't feel any guilt at all. To the contrary, these drugs saved my life.

 

Yes, it is not pleasant to withdraw, but I remember the nervous breakdown I was having before I took that first Xanax. Xanax put my life back on track and allowed me to pursue my career.

 

Looking back, I would make the same decision.

 

Brian

[[Hy...]]

It certainly is common for me, but try not to feel so guilty about it. I'm working on that too, but we can't change the past. You are doing what you need to do to work through this problem as best you can, so there really isn't anything to feel guilty about.

[[al...]]

Not to invalidate your feelings, but I don't feel any guilt at all. To the contrary, these drugs saved my life.

 

Yes, it is not pleasant to withdraw, but I remember the nervous breakdown I was having before I took that first Xanax. Xanax put my life back on track and allowed me to pursue my career.

 

Looking back, I would make the same decision.

 

Brian

 

Thanks for your response, Brian. I suppose I should have mentioned that I do not think, upon hindsight, I had severe anxiety or insomnia to have initially been prescribed Klonopin. Whilst I certainly developed GAD, depersonalization, and a slew of other related conditions during K use and tolerance w/d, I cannot exactly say I was in a position, initially that would have required a benzo. Hope that's a bit clearer.

 

I think it's healthy and very courageous of you to not feel guilt or shame. I suppose I was merely trying to connect with the members that do have my issue.

[[al...]]

It certainly is common for me, but try not to feel so guilty about it. I'm working on that too, but we can't change the past. You are doing what you need to do to work through this problem as best you can, so there really isn't anything to feel guilty about.

 

Thanks, Hyper.

 

That's also a lovely quote.

[[Br...]]

I did have severe panic attacks. I had my first major while preparing for a press conference with four television stations, a few newspapers, and a couple radio stations. I'd had mild ones before that when my boss (the mayor) made unreasonable or impossible demands of me. But that attack at that press conference could have ruined me had I not confided in a colleague what was happening to me. My deputy ran the press conference that day. I was coming down from that attack when my boss lit into a tirade of curse words, telling me how I'd let down the team and the city.

 

The prospect of going out and facing those cameras the next day terrified me even though I'd done it on at least a weekly basis for five years. Two days later, my doctor gave me Xanax and suddenly, I was back on my game, playing the game with reporters trying to dig for dirt.

 

Xanax carried me through that job as well as my job of managing a television newsroom (very high pressure), running my own radio show as well as serving as a local political expert on camera and writing columns for newspapers.

 

My profession is much less stressful now and I don't need the pills, so I made the decision to get off. I read about it online and knew it would be tough. But I wanted to move forward because I just didn't need them anymore.

 

No regrets or guilt because I knew my boss and the reporters would have driven me to suicide.

[[fl...]]

Aliza, I identify so much with your story.  I also was prescribed K for what I now realize was not that severe insomnia and anxiety.  I blame myself for not researching...I just wanted to be knocked out to sleep.  Once I realized how powerful the drug was, (I ignorantly decided to just quit and got slammed a few days later), I did deal with some shame and regret, but I'm over it now.  While I definitely wouldn't choose to repeat this experience, I've learned a lot from it.  I'm a nicer person now, with more compassion.

 

So, forgive yourself, Aliza.  We're all learning in this life.  You've taken control by choosing to taper....may it go smoothly for you.

[[al...]]

Aliza, I identify so much with your story.  I also was prescribed K for what I now realize was not that severe insomnia and anxiety.  I blame myself for not researching...I just wanted to be knocked out to sleep.  Once I realized how powerful the drug was, (I ignorantly decided to just quit and got slammed a few days later), I did deal with some shame and regret, but I'm over it now.  While I definitely wouldn't choose to repeat this experience, I've learned a lot from it.  I'm a nicer person now, with more compassion.

 

So, forgive yourself, Aliza.  We're all learning in this life.  You've taken control by choosing to taper....may it go smoothly for you.

 

Hello Floc,

 

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.

I also was prescribed K for what I now realize was not that severe insomnia and anxiety.

Perhaps you and I would have benefited from something milder. Alas, the past is irretrievable.

[[Hy...]]

Like Ploc, I did not have THAT severe of issues compared to the doses I was given. There was ignorance on my part for not looking into how high of a dose I was on but I knew it was still a heavy dose relative to my symptoms, so because of this, I have more of a tendency to feel guilt, especially since it's caused worry for people I care for.

[[Wr...]]

Hi!

 

I don't feel guilt so much as I feel disappointed in myself for taking it as I knew about the w/d symptoms... etc.  At the time, I was dealing with anxiety. However, I wish I would have handled it in a different way. But, I'm not looking back. I'm almost done with my taper. More than anything at this point, I am worried about taking that last dose. I'm afraid of what will happen to my body next.  Onward...

[[se...]]

I too am quite familiar with guilt and shame, Aliza. I thought it was my moral duty to acknowledge my stupidity, my arrogance, my ignorance, my selfishness, etc., but I was never satisfied with my mental self "punishment." Now that I have the benzos out of my system, I am starting to see that guilt and shame serve no real purpose when taken to an extreme; in fact, these emotions are completely counterproductive to healing. I don't know why, but it can be so hard to let go of self-loathing. Does anyone know why some of us feel the irrational but irresistible need to constantly convince ourselves that we are the worst person we know? I have no idea why, but I think it does come from having a conscience.

 

I believe that once you get the benzos out of your system, Aliza, you may see things differently. In the meantime, please try to be kind to yourself. Youhave a duty to do so.

[[th...]]

Does anyone know why some of us feel the irrational but irresistible need to constantly convince ourselves that we are the worst person we know?

 

THE #1 QUESTION FOR ALL HUMANITY!!! And such a waste of energy eh? Not at all productive in any circumstance! Yet, we still do it.  Battle and fight against these thoughts my friend, they are powerful but useless

 

Grinch

 

[[se...]]

Alizarin, I would also like to add that I find indulging in simple pleasures can go a long way in helping one feel better. I live in comfy pjs, lighted marshmallow-sented candles, and leave lights on around the house. I take a long, hot shower every day (also because I sweat so much at night), use my favorite mint shampoo, and generously apply sweet scented lotion and baby powder. Cooking fresh meals with a slow cooker is relatively easy, and it nurtures the soul as it fills the house with woderful, wholesome goodness. These are just a few things that I do to make myself feel more positive and thus happier. They are not a cure to withdrawal and self-loathing, but they do go a long way to comfort my spirit. I also love getting lost in an audiobook (is that healthy addiction?).

 

I would love to hear what simple pleasures others indulge in to relieve the madness. 

[[al...]]

Does anyone know why some of us feel the irrational but irresistible need to constantly convince ourselves that we are the worst person we know? I have no idea why, but I think it does come from having a conscience.

 

I can provide a humble yet multifaceted response. On the surface, it may appear that self-esteem is the crux of the matter. We are human. We err. However, as a person who has always taken responsibility for my actions, it's always my moral obligation, or at least I believe it to be, to question myself in a myriad of angles. Our consciousness can be overbearing and rigidly enforced within our psyche so it is only natural that the concept is applicable to something akin to benzo use.

The ritual itself: preparation, measurements, documentation, and the paralyzing act of benzo consumption itself, can, for some of us, become a quotidian process we would rather rebel against. There is entrapment which often leads to desperation.

 

There is much to ponder on this subject. I do think people will be more or less prone to shame depending on levels of self forgiveness.

[[be...]]

I don't feel guilt or shame. At the time I was beginning to take them, there was no Google or Wikipedia. I don't blame my doctor either. I began taking benzos two decades ago, and I think everyone was ignorant about them, my doctor included. I just say to myself, it is what it is. And then I get on with my life. Bets

[[th...]]

Bets,

 

 

Grinch

[[be...]]

Alizarin, I would also like to add that I find indulging in simple pleasures can go a long way in helping one feel better. I live in comfy pjs, lighted marshmallow-sented candles, and leave lights on around the house. I take a long, hot shower every day (also because I sweat so much at night), use my favorite mint shampoo, and generously apply sweet scented lotion and baby powder. Cooking fresh meals with a slow cooker is relatively easy, and it nurtures the soul as it fills the house with woderful, wholesome goodness. These are just a few things that I do to make myself feel more positive and thus happier. They are not a cure to withdrawal and self-loathing, but they do go a long way to comfort my spirit. I also love getting lost in an audiobook (is that healthy addiction?).

 

I would love to hear what simple pleasures others indulge in to relieve the madness. 

 

Cranking up my CD player. I pick out the best of the best CDs.  Bets

[[be...]]

Bets,

 

 

Grinch

 

G:

 

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