So packed our bags followed hubby and up dosed today on accident but ironically.

[[Mo...]]

Ok so mine is a long story but for those following have been to hell n back this last month in fact ever since January it's been pretty much hell.  So my hubby tells me last night we need to move down south to his parents he needs their support and I'm barely functional for someone with so much anxiety pre and during benzos this has been torture, even a trip to the MH where they put me on doxepin. So now that we are down here hubby gets a job offer back up north literally where we just moved from. I was up dosed in the Mh from 93 to 95 tolerance set in obviously within 2-3 weeks max. My podcast from up north gave me the option to up dose but didn't say when or how much. This evening by mistake instead of taking 20 at my 7 pm dose took 25.  So boom I'm back to 100 now. Before my dose I was anxiously looking at the clock my pulse was 128 bp ok waiting for it to hit 7 about 40 mins before 7 and then cause my other 3 doses are 25 mg I accidentally took 25.  The other day I almost made the same mistake and spit out the 25 mg pill. At any rate about 40 mins later pulse is down to 120 and hour later 102.  So that's the good part the bad part is this is only temp as IMF  prone to quick tolerance and have all these options in front of me and don't know which path to choose.  If this is what the moderators meant by stabilizing think it's as close as I will get mornings are horrible prolly cause of the 10 hours between the nighttime dose and morning dose but as the day goes on I get calmer but how will I ever taper this way if I can only ever feel slightly stable for a short period of time. Because I'm allergic to so many of the other bentos why I'm on Librium I finally got the green light today to go to kaiser down here in Anaheim and plead my case for in patient detox and when I got it my heart was racing and felt like I was going to pass out cause unlike people who have used it for sleep I've used it for my anxiety before that it was pot and before that it was booze. Haven't had a drink since jan 12 th had a hit or two of pot since then but didn't do anything for me.  I guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here since I can't switch meds hate Librium but don't know how to live without it now.  Been on the benzodiazepine s since nov of this year as written in my signature and cannot make a smidgen of progress. Now I have to decide if I want to stay down south and start over with my husband and my kids and I sharing a room at his parents who both work or go back stick with the doctors who know me but haven't found anyone who really knows how to help me. I need Dr. House, and the stress is killing my husband as well.  Any advice here any would be great cause I feel like I've screwed myself by updosing but feel better than I did previously. Thanks guys I really need your support right now, oh yeah and my phone just died! Can't get it to charge. What should I do? No one should have to make life changing decisions while going through this benzo hell, oh yeah and I have major PTSD from withdrawals cause I almost died of alcohol positioning in 2009 like an idiot thought I could ct! Sorry about the rant, hope to hear replies SOON! Mo2

 

[[Dy...]]

Hi there! Even though I'm new to the benzo game I just want you to know I care! I don't think you show best yourself up for up dosing if you TRULEY needed it. I did it once because the half I took wasn't cutting it... I'm myself in my own taper I've used kolopin for 44 days now tapering! Anxiety and panic is not a chemical imbalance it's just you're mind sending false alarms. Try and relax and cut back when you are ready too.... You'll know when.... If you feel guilty or just ready to get off you'll be fine I read your post and it seems like you are. I think I missed on what you are taking and for how long but let me tell you no matter how long or what you're on you can stop. I quit Vicodin 3 years of extremely high dose cold turkey and went though hell... Think of it like this when you taper or quit the benzos your brain is just recovering... You're not losing your mind and guess what 99% of people have some kind if withdraw feeling and if they say they don't it's prolly bs. I've cut my dose in half the last 5 nights and oh boy I can feel it.... But I'm not going to up dose and go back to hell just to restart. I started for panic attacks from changing majors at school. Try to make lost of the top 5 things that stress you out the most then label them with a number 1-5... This might sound strange but try and eliminate the 3-5 first.... Forget them or let them go or do something to make them less stressful. It's funny how the smallest 20% of what could cause you're anxiety or panic could make up actually 80% how you feel.... I feel for you。And just know that your not alone. And it will get better <3

 

-Dylan

[[th...]]

Momof2,

 

Lots of changes in the midst of benzo wd can be anxiety producing, especially if you are already prone to anxiety. If you only took one dose of 25 I don't think this will be a problem. Just go back to where you were dosing next time. Let that go. I don't think it's something that needs to cause a full blown panic. You ll be fine. Regarding the moves....one thing I realized a while ago is that life does not stop for us during benzo wd and recovery. It keeps moving along. WE have to learn to navigate it the best we can while tapering. It's hard, yes, but not impossible. There are other things in life that are soooo much harder. So much more tragic. What we are going through is tough but has an end point if we allow this to happen by accepting the fate of our journey and keep moving forward. You have a choice to make, I cannot tell you what is best, only you know that. I do know that I have never heard of anyone doing better by going through a quick facility detox off benzos. In fact, they seem to come out worse off. I would not suggest this.

 

Grinch

[[Ch...]]

I would like to second everything theGrinch wrote… I bolded some of her statements that particularly resonate.

Challis

 

Momof2,

 

Lots of changes in the midst of benzo wd can be anxiety producing, especially if you are already prone to anxiety. If you only took one dose of 25 I don't think this will be a problem. Just go back to where you were dosing next time. Let that go. I don't think it's something that needs to cause a full blown panic. You ll be fine. Regarding the moves....one thing I realized a while ago is that life does not stop for us during benzo wd and recovery. It keeps moving along. WE have to learn to navigate it the best we can while tapering. It's hard, yes, but not impossible. There are other things in life that are soooo much harder. So much more tragic. What we are going through is tough but has an end point if we allow this to happen by accepting the fate of our journey and keep moving forward. You have a choice to make, I cannot tell you what is best, only you know that. I do know that I have never heard of anyone doing better by going through a quick facility detox off benzos. In fact, they seem to come out worse off. I would not suggest this.

Grinch

[[Mo...]]

But I haven't been able to drop by even 1 mg since my first drop! This is not my first time trying to tapper if I had stuck with it the first time I'd be better off was dropping by 5 mgs then now I can't even drop by one! Cause they have up dosed me so many times.  My body is extremely sensitive to weds since I almost died from them from alcohol ads I've been in the heart ward, icu, and even filled out a will all on separate occasions, the will was the time I almost died trying to ct off of alcohol 6 years ago they flat out told me I was going to die I can't switch over to v or k I'm allergic to both. So what really are my options here moderators? Only other option given to me is phenobarbital.  At this point I'm getting so desperate I just might take it! Ty please let me know.  Mo2

[[Mo...]]

Momof2,

 

Lots of changes in the midst of benzo wd can be anxiety producing, especially if you are already prone to anxiety. If you only took one dose of 25 I don't think this will be a problem. Just go back to where you were dosing next time. Let that go. I don't think it's something that needs to cause a full blown panic. You ll be fine. Regarding the moves....one thing I realized a while ago is that life does not stop for us during benzo wd and recovery. It keeps moving along. WE have to learn to navigate it the best we can while tapering. It's hard, yes, but not impossible. There are other things in life that are soooo much harder. So much more tragic. What we are going through is tough but has an end point if we allow this to happen by accepting the fate of our journey and keep moving forward. You have a choice to make, I cannot tell you what is best, only you know that. I do know that I have never heard of anyone doing better by going through a quick facility detox off benzos. In fact, they seem to come out worse off. I would not suggest this.

 

Grinch

[[Mo...]]

I would like to second everything theGrinch wrote… I bolded some of her statements that particularly resonate.

Challis

 

Momof2,

 

Lots of changes in the midst of benzo wd can be anxiety producing, especially if you are already prone to anxiety. If you only took one dose of 25 I don't think this will be a problem. Just go back to where you were dosing next time. Let that go. I don't think it's something that needs to cause a full blown panic. You ll be fine. Regarding the moves....one thing I realized a while ago is that life does not stop for us during benzo wd and recovery. It keeps moving along. WE have to learn to navigate it the best we can while tapering. It's hard, yes, but not impossible. There are other things in life that are soooo much harder. So much more tragic. What we are going through is tough but has an end point if we allow this to happen by accepting the fate of our journey and keep moving forward. You have a choice to make, I cannot tell you what is best, only you know that. I do know that I have never heard of anyone doing better by going through a quick facility detox off benzos. In fact, they seem to come out worse off. I would not suggest this.

Grinch

please read my above post responding to you and grinch Ty

 

[[Ch...]]

I don't know of any other way through this other than to go ahead and taper, Mommyof2. 

[[th...]]

It seems you are in a terrible way and I am sorry for that. I know it can get really bad. But the honest truth is no matter how hard it is tapering slowly is by far the way most people succeed. It doesn't mean symptom free. I have over 50+ syx in a given day!!! It's very taxing and takes everything out of me to just get through the current day. Do you have other options? Yes. You can try detox, or cold turkey or change meds again....none of which I would do or suggest but we really don't know how you would fair doing any of those choices. Maybe you ll be just fine or better, no one can predict that....the curse of the benzo ride....its so unknown. We definitely don't have any definite answers. We have past experience and others experiences to guide us. I know its terribly frustrating not having answers....we ll be here for you no matter what you decide 

 

Grinch

[[Mo...]]

I think people that use bentos for insomnia is different  than people who use them to function. Ie people with anxiety and PTSD tapering as I've observed it on here has been easier for people on low doses for long times for sleep disorders and harder for people who have used it for anxiety. Just what I've noticed I've had to tapper and go up so many times since nov 2013 I've lost count.  Another moderator was telling me to stabilize, so it's all very confusing and hard and when the holidays come I just tank depression wise. That's what I fear most this is usually my best time of year. Mo2

[[Ch...]]

Just wanted to respond to your PM here so there's no confusion about giving tapering advice via PMs.

 

If you feel like your body is seriously compromised by any drop in medication and that you'd rather be in a hospital setting to have your vital signs monitored, then maybe that is best.  My personal opinion is that withdrawal from benzodiazepines is a solitary hell that one is better off doing at home and with time, but I'm not you and don't know all of your contributing health issues.

 

Blood pressure and heart rate are usually elevated during withdrawal.  If your vital signs are in a danger zone, by all means get medical help.

 

[[...]]

From my point of view, there seems like one more option.

 

You've been through SO much in such a short period of time!  I think the move to hubby's family could be a very good thing, support for you, your kids and your hubby.  You don't need your present doctors, they've been of no help to you and that psychologist was not good for you at all.  Having fresh doctors/fresh eyes sounds like a good plan to me.

 

So!  The option I have in mind, if I were in your shoes, is to stabilize for now, try and forget about this whole ordeal for another 3-6 mths or more, however long it takes.  How about giving yourself a break from all this madness for now.  Once your hubby is settled in a job, you'll be able to move into your own home.  When you're back on your feet and life's calmed down for you and your family, and you have new doctors in place, then start the taper again very, very slowly. 

 

You'll be much wiser next time around, and in much better shape physically, mentally, financially, and support-wise.

 

How does that sound?

[[Mo...]]

My doctor up north agrees and has told me to keep my dose at 100 to stabilize abc, my fear is that this will only last a few weeks as tolerance sets in quick for me.  How have you been since your jump? Have you used benzos for anxiety or sleep support? The more times I upsize I think the harder it makes for me to drop cause it prolongs the process the question is do I go for a different insurance? Stick it out with Kaiser down here and see what they can do? I'm so anxious I'm making my family anxious and not sure they can handle me as severe as I get with just a 1 mg drop.

[[...]]

Mo2, you've been stable for the first time in months and months and months! 

 

What if tolerance does not set in quickly this time?  What if you're still stable in 3 mths time?  Don't drive yourself crazy with all the what if's now! 

 

I say this again ... you have been through sheer Hell and back the last few months!  You've been through more than other people go through in a lifetime!  You're now stable!  How about you try and relax and enjoy and appreciate every minute of the new you.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gentle.  Be patient.  Plan some fun things with your hub and kids.  Be happy now.  Really try to be happy now.  That alone will do wonders in calming down your nervous system, changing your mood, relieving your anxiety ... AND ... being the wife and Mom you want to be!

 

IF you reach tolerance again soon ... well, then, you'll know you have no choice but to start the taper.  Right now YOU ARE STABLE!  Quit the anxiety and breathe, breathe, breathe.  Make up for lost time and look at the glass half full.

 

I'm afraid I'm no expert on the insurance side of things, maybe others will chime in to that effect.  Do your in-laws have any advice?

 

PS - I used the benzo as a "muscle relaxant"    Dummy that I am.  It's been 3 wks since I jumped and I'm doing fine.  I was in tolerance w/d too and didn't know it for years!  I tapered very, very slowly and actually felt better the lower I got!

 

 

 

[[th...]]

Mommyof2,

 

I have great sympathy for your pain and anguish? While I do agree that those who take benzos for anxiety and then need to taper off may have very specific issues with this process, I do not agree that those who have been prescribed it for sleep have an easier time. I was prescribed for sleep. #1. They should never be prescribed for sleep....ever. #2. The problems with benzos and the wd of benzos is it causes anxiety x10 no matter what the origin of your main problem was for taking it. So we all end up in quite the same predicament. Though some of us have more mental syx and others have physical ones. All I can say is I have had a very tough time over the last 3 yrs ...can't work, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't feed myself...totally bedridden. I have been poked and prodded and had so many tests done to find the source of my syx with no answers (bc it was the benzos but no dr knew). I was called a drug seeker and made to feel ashamed and crazy by the medical field. I have so many syx plaguing me daily that it takes all my strength just to keep going. And I no longer can rely on the medical field to help me with this. All I get is my script and the rest I do alone at home. It's the hardest fight I have endured in my 43 yrs and I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This is a bigger fight! It has been worse! I typically don't talk about how difficult it is bc that is just not my way. I have accepted my fate now, know what my path is and use my energy to fight to get off these pills and to help others. This does not mean I am not suffering. We all are. I hope you can find a path and find peace in this. I think that is most important. Peace and acceptance in your chosen path. That has to come from within.

 

Grinch

[[Mo...]]

From my point of view, there seems like one more option.

 

You've been through SO much in such a short period of time!  I think the move to hubby's family could be a very good thing, support for you, your kids and your hubby.  You don't need your present doctors, they've been of no help to you and that psychologist was not good for you at all.  Having fresh doctors/fresh eyes sounds like a good plan to me.

 

So!  The option I have in mind, if I were in your shoes, is to stabilize for now, try and forget about this whole ordeal for another 3-6 mths or more, however long it takes.  How about giving yourself a break from all this madness for now.  Once your hubby is settled in a job, you'll be able to move into your own home.  When you're back on your feet and life's calmed down for you and your family, and you have new doctors in place, then start the taper again very, very slowly. 

 

You'll be much wiser next time around, and in much better shape physically, mentally, financially, and support-wise.

 

How does that sound?

 

Mo2,

 

abcd has wise words...

 

I know this very distressing and frustrating for you.  There are seemingly 50 balls in the air at once when attempting to go thru the taper process.  Please continue to look for the right answer for yourself.  This is a not a one size fits all program.  Eventually, you WILL BE successful at this.  I can not tell you how much repeating of the same advice is required to us folks.  Keep searching until something sticks.

 

For me the biggest red flag is this:  You are taking a drug long term that is to be prescribed for short term use ONLY.  The manufacturers all advise short term use.  Long term creates tolerance and getting off the drugs creates adverse symptoms.  Whatever situational anxiety life has handed you is now being magnified to the 100x degree. 

 

People who go on benzo for insomnia or tennitus vs anxiety have an easier time getting off.  Not true.  There are many people on the boards who are struggling physically and emotionally regardless of how they got here..HOWEVER..those who got here via anxiety have a dragon to slay.  The need to deal with the anxiety thru counseling.  Drugs are never the end all be all answer to anxiety.  If I could pass a law stating the prescription of drugs for emotional support must including weekly counseling, I would do it. 

 

People who were on the drugs for a short stint or on a low dosage have an easier time getting off.  Not true.  Again, I find people on the boards still struggling to get back to 100% after taking their last dose.  This is a personalized process and while comparing yourself to others is tempting, it should not be done.  Progression of w/d should be done against yourself.  Where was I a month ago and where am I now.

 

I could not have done a fast taper.  The reason for a slow taper is to allow your mind chemistry to slowly rebalance itself.  I know you want to do a fast taper because you are allergic to the meds and the longer they stay in your system, the more harm is done.  A benzo wise doctor might have better advice on this.. The majority of us say feel a fast taper is not the answer.  if it takes 19 months, that doesn't mean 19 months of hell.  There is progression, functionality and a new sense of survival capabilities in those months AND it might not take that long.  My down doses were done according to how I was. 

 

Going to ER for life preservation.  Here is my opinion.. I am not a doctor.  Withdrawal plays all kinds of havoc with our bodies ability to regulate.  There is nothing wrong with going to the ER.  I pay for insurance and have a right to go if I feel my life is in jeopardy.  If you feel your life is in danger from a weak heart or elevated bp then absolutely you march into that ER and tell them you want to be monitored.  Up dosing is not the only answer from a visit to the ER.  Meds to help you regulate the adverse affects of w/d is probably the better option as you down dose.  It is very common.  I would ask for a heart monitor to wear if that helps you get thru this.. ANYTHING to get off of this crap and get you back to functional.

Going to the ER does not mean they have to mess with your dosage.  It means stabilizing you in a different way to get you thru to the next down dose.  I went to the doctor weekly, called almost everyday freaking out. went to counseling 2x a week ..had people in my home with me at all times. It was a tough brutal process.  I needed flesh and blood help from capable bodies other then myself.  My children needed flesh and blood help from capable bodies other then myself.  It was my job to survive and get better. 

 

You can do this, but it has to be your terms.  No matter how long I was on the meds or anyone else was on them, you are going to have adverse affects from down dosing.  For many of us the day finally came where the meds no longer worked and they only out was through.

 

For me to do this I needed:

A doctor I could trust

A counselor who would listen

Family to help with meals and my children

And ears to listen to my concerns that came and still come at all hours of the day. 

 

I no longer go the doctor

I drive myself everywhere

I go to counseling bi weekly.. just being a stay at home mommy is enough for me to go..add w/d on top of that

I am 80% back to my pre benzo life of 'bring it on world' functionality.

 

There is success to be found.   

 

 

 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Not feeling so stable right now. My psychiatrist wants me to stay at 100 and my psychologist wants me to drop back to 95, both from up north just found out both my I laws are working tomorrow one until 9:30 am and the other till dinner time so my husband and I have to take care of the girls. I'm not sure if they will understand how much worse this can get when I drop. My big accomlishment today was taking a shower. My father in law I don't think understood what a big accomplishment it was. And when my husband goes back to work I would be all alone can't handle that cannot be left alone, I'm afraid to shower without someone near by cause afraid Ill pass out. 

[[Mo...]]

Leg cramps and back pain from up dosing to 100 are these paradoxical effects? Anyone? Ty mo2

[[th...]]

First, I have so many syx that I believe anything you feel can be related to the benzo. Wether your cutting, in tolerance, or paradoxical to them. Leg cramps and back pain for sure!! This is a daily problem for me along with so many other issues. A warm bath and stretching can help. It doesn't make them disappear but it can give some relief.

 

Second, it's too bad you have two different medical opinions. That can be confusing. I don't know what is the better choice for you right now. You have to make that decision.

 

Third, family often don't know how bad things are or can be on this journey. I am not surprised they are having trouble understanding. How could they? It's like a person trying to understand what it is like to have chemo who has never had it! No way can a person understand this. Some sympathy and patience is all we can ask for really IMO.

 

And lastly, I understand how weak and hard little tasks can be. I needed my husband to help me shower for months. Many days I just didn't. What's wrong with that? A lot of people don't shower everyday. I only did necessary things. And that was very little. I know you have 2 children to manage. Again, even with them, pick where you need to expend your energy. They ll be fine 

 

Feeling lots of guilt? Ya, been there...I still do!! But, we can't go down this road bc it is wasted energy. If we want to get better than we must use all the energy we do have into fighting our wd so we can get better. Accepting our fate and learning how to navigate what has been put in front of us. When we learn to accept and navigate the road, it seems to not be as impossible as we had thought. Still freaking hard, just not impossible. There is not an easy way, there is no magic wand...I wish!!!...and so deciding on a plan and learning how to manage and navigate the syx that arrive, this includes life and family and friends, is really the only answer IMO.

 

Grinch

 

 

[[be...]]

Hi:

 

I sold my house, moved to another state, lost my job, divorced my hubby of 20 years in a two month time period and managed to survive, and so will you! Survival is the most powerful inbred state you have.

[[th...]]

We've also moved twice, lived with friends, and apt, a home, and will move again soon (maybe live with family) all due to our financial issues brought on bc of me not working...

 

Benzogirl is right...We will survive!! It may not be ideal or pretty but we will survive 

 

Grinch