DEPRESSION SO DARK!!!!

[[Be...]]

This depression I feel is darker than dark. It's a completely sunny Saturday afternoon but all I can see and feel is darkness. It's so dark that it sucks out every last bit of energy I have left.  All I care to do is lay here and stare off into space. Everything feels so impossible!!!! People just don't understand me. They don't understand how dark it is, I feel like they can't relate either. This life and meds are all impossible. Going to simply get a haircut feels impossible. Slowly people are quitting on me. I've lost multiple friends and family.  I often ask myself what is the point anymore. Going thRough this day in and day out is eventually going to shut my body down. The human body/heart can only endure so much stress for so long. I feel like I've completely lost my mind. My memory is SHOT, I forget things all the time. I can never get into a conversation with anyone in person cause I don't have enough emotion to care to communicate. BENZOS ARE POISON and so are 90% of all psych drugs.  The pharmacy is slowly killing people off like tobacco. I hate being me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[Ch...]]

Hey BH… how about starting a blog?  Perfect spot to have people stop by and say hi or to find you.  Each member here can have one…mine has a link in my sig so anyone can click over there in one click.

 

It's good to put your name in your blog title…and a catchy title that you can live with for awhile.  Maybe a positive one for your future, because the way you're feeling right now is the drug withdrawal talking, not the person you really are.

 

[[Na...]]

Hey BH.

Sorry your having such a rough go of it. From a non-recovering BB I'll put a positive spin on your dark post. You seem to articulate your thoughts very well. Your post is well written.

 

Have you considered going off the Effexor or c/o to another AD? You state in your sig how you hate it........maybe just the wrong med for you

[[Be...]]

Wish I could but even if I switch to another I will go into severe Effexor withDrAwal.

[[gr...]]

I would also consider getting off the Efexxor...taper off it. I think ADs are crap and dont work. Maybe you can find one that does though. Im not a doctor obviously...so please discuss with him her before u do anything, Im just concerned because this sounds like i wrote it.

[[An...]]

Hi

Depression it has been my most persistent symptom for the past month or so and I have had it since first starting to come off benzos. Mostly I have depression but it gets very dark as you say to where I am dysfunctional and have frequent s/c ideation. It makes very little difference  knowing whether it's the drug or not it doesn't change the experience. I wouldn't agree with stopping Effexor while your coming off benzos, it's not likely the cause of your depression, the withdrawal from the benzos is the most likely, easy to figure out from when it started. I came off ssris and I wouldn't recommend adding another possible withdrawal to what your already having to endure. It is an insane experience and I often wonder where people find the strength to keep going, in saying that I'm still here 2yrs post my first c/t. Just keep reading posts, I find it helps sometimes to  keep reminding myself I'm not the only one going through this and also the success stories of those that have made it to the other side. It's crippling I know, just keep going.

[Guest [ma...]]

The depression will leave in it's own time. Once you have healed enough. Yes it's a deep dark depression. In my mind it was other worldly and it felt like something evil or sinister. Can't even explain it. The world looked all black. After 15 years on more than 29 drugs for varying lengths of time, no tapering at all b/c I was misinformed I no longer have depression, or anxiety, or anything else that I was misdiagnosed with.

 

Trust in the ability of your body and brain to heal b/c they will.

[[Se...]]

 

I try to remember that I am always fine and the depression is now me even though it cause pain and discomfort I just say that is not me that is the depression.

 

I keep the depression separate from me. It is not allowed to be identified with me.

[[lo...]]

Wish I could but even if I switch to another I will go into severe Effexor withDrAwal.

 

Hello BH

 

Sorry you are in such pain. I have been taking Effexor 225 mg for about 15 years. Have been warned that withdrawal can be very difficult. I will try it at some stage but not yet. I seem to tolerate the drug well. Having come off nitrazepam and apparently now depression free for one year, after 40 years, I should be able to manage without it. I am not in any rush and plan to do it very very slowly. I am assuming I will be functioning again before I start.

 

I hope you can hang on in there. I know how bad depression can be. Friends and family can't understand something they have never experienced. Hopefully some of them will be there for you in the future even if they have moved aside just now. It takes special people to stand alongside us in this seemingly never-ending battle.

 

You will get your emotions back and your memory will improve. I felt desperately alone for 40 years while on nitrazepam. That has simply gone now. It really is quite unbelievable.

 

Rooting for you all the way

 

LF 

[[Se...]]

I am definitely in a wave of depression. Barely able to work. I had one last year that was the result of all the anger I was feeling for being handed this Benzo nightmare by my family doc. I came out of depression but still had lots of cog fog and I was working when I was the target of some rather nasty bullying and harassment at work and then guess what I became very angry and went back into depression.

 

I am trying to accept the fact that in life there will always be those who trip us up whether it is with or without malice or intent. I am just trying to stop changing people and go with the flow so I can heal and return to the light and love that is trapped inside me by this depression. Of course I am scared that it will not go away this time and that I am going to be a chronic depression sufferer.

 

Fear breeds more anger so I am turning to faith as a way to cope. I am attempting to simply live according to principles so I do not accumulate negative kharma from selfish acts. I am also realizing that the best medicines are the tools of recovery from addiction. Thus I am working in the framework of a 12 step program and instead of expecting some miracle cure I am taking one day at a time and not beating myself up and being of service to others and ensuring I do not have unrealistic expectations. Depression does pass and we do move on. I just need to avoid any behavior that will slow the healing down and do all I am able to expedite the healing process. Jumping around from med to med and experimenting with this or that supplement seems dangerous so I never go that route. Deep breathing, positive thinking, music, water, avoiding any and all junk food and caffeine and talking about it and sharing and letting go of all anger towards those who may have hurt us and letting go of all selfish dreams of power and wealth and just embracing a simple humility will bring me back to the world I so dearly miss.

 

If I am honest I can say that this part of my journey, although painful, is just as necessary as any other part of my life and that it is happening for reasons I can understand and relate to. Therefore it is not to be so despised as it is to be responded to. I got this way because I gave myself away to pills and booze for many years and now I am totally abstinent and in a very painful recovery that most do not and will not ever comprehend but that I can accept and slowly rsie out of if I do not get trapped in panic and fear and shame and regret.

 

Tonight I am going to an AA meeting and I will try my best to connect to the spiritually in the room and in the people there. It will be better than bathing in the black pool of depression and then wondering why I am not feeling better and healing.

 

Today I just choose to say.... I trust you God.

 

 

[[Ba...]]

I can emphasise. I have waves of brutal depression that leave me bed bound for the day. Some days are better than others. Today I'm actually having a very good day.

 

Please try to hang in there and remember that you are not the only person to feel this way.

 

 

[[Dr...]]

Sedro, Just read your Sept. 11 post.

All I can say is WOW! Those are just beautiful words. Thank you so much for talking to us. Thank you and may God alway bless you.

[[Be...]]

Ballou-

 

Yeah it is a very dark and extremely unpleasant place to be.

[[Be...]]

I am definitely in a wave of depression. Barely able to work. I had one last year that was the result of all the anger I was feeling for being handed this Benzo nightmare by my family doc. I came out of depression but still had lots of cog fog and I was working when I was the target of some rather nasty bullying and harassment at work and then guess what I became very angry and went back into depression.

 

I am trying to accept the fact that in life there will always be those who trip us up whether it is with or without malice or intent. I am just trying to stop changing people and go with the flow so I can heal and return to the light and love that is trapped inside me by this depression. Of course I am scared that it will not go away this time and that I am going to be a chronic depression sufferer.

 

Fear breeds more anger so I am turning to faith as a way to cope. I am attempting to simply live according to principles so I do not accumulate negative kharma from selfish acts. I am also realizing that the best medicines are the tools of recovery from addiction. Thus I am working in the framework of a 12 step program and instead of expecting some miracle cure I am taking one day at a time and not beating myself up and being of service to others and ensuring I do not have unrealistic expectations. Depression does pass and we do move on. I just need to avoid any behavior that will slow the healing down and do all I am able to expedite the healing process. Jumping around from med to med and experimenting with this or that supplement seems dangerous so I never go that route. Deep breathing, positive thinking, music, water, avoiding any and all junk food and caffeine and talking about it and sharing and letting go of all anger towards those who may have hurt us and letting go of all selfish dreams of power and wealth and just embracing a simple humility will bring me back to the world I so dearly miss.

 

If I am honest I can say that this part of my journey, although painful, is just as necessary as any other part of my life and that it is happening for reasons I can understand and relate to. Therefore it is not to be so despised as it is to be responded to. I got this way because I gave myself away to pills and booze for many years and now I am totally abstinent and in a very painful recovery that most do not and will not ever comprehend but that I can accept and slowly rsie out of if I do not get trapped in panic and fear and shame and regret.

 

Tonight I am going to an AA meeting and I will try my best to connect to the spiritually in the room and in the people there. It will be better than bathing in the black pool of depression and then wondering why I am not feeling better and healing.

 

Today I just choose to say.... I trust you God.

I'm trying hard to be positive and put my faith in God it's just so hard ALL OF THE TIME. Thanks for a WELL written response tho, I appreciate it!

[[Be...]]

Hey BH.

Sorry your having such a rough go of it. From a non-recovering BB I'll put a positive spin on your dark post. You seem to articulate your thoughts very well. Your post is well written.

 

Have you considered going off the Effexor or c/o to another AD? You state in your sig how you hate it........maybe just the wrong med for you

Thank you very much, I appreciate that.