Okay Buddies, need support again

[[wo...]]

Hi guys, me again with new questions.

You have walked me through the last 6 months, now, and I thank you so so much.

 

Although I know it must have been addressed many times before, can someone help me through this new stage.

 

Woke up today and maybe this is my first window.  Physical sx and the scarey mental things very much better but now this.

This must be the stage when people wonder if they have permanent brain damage.  I feel like doing something but I do not know what I am suppose to do.  I have been off the planet for 3 years because of klonopine.  My brain feels like a computer that is off line or something.  I really have not idea of what I should be doing.  So okay, do what normal people do, I made the bed, took a shower, ate breakfast and then what?  decided to vacuum the basement, honestly, it felt like I have never vacuumed before, such a mental effort and felt so foreign but I did it.  Then I say, "Now what?"  Honestly, have no idea what to do next.  It is like I have come back to earth but have no idea how to live again.  There really is no idea in my head as to what I am suppose to be doing.  I feel so much more better physically but like my mind cannot think.  My cognitive brain feels like it is there, I can type this, but I feel like a clueless being.

Does this feeling of disconnectedness go on for quite a while and if so how do you all function feeling like your brain is not there?  I am sick of my distractions, they remind me of when I was really bad off so they don't feel good anymore yet I can't get it together enough mentally to start something new.  I just sit and stare off into space wondering what the hell am I suppose to do, who am I and where did my real self go.  This is REALLY creeping me out.  My brain is dead, offline, like my head is full of cotton or mud or something.  How do we get back into life with this brain?  If I had kids around or a job that I HAD  to deal with I think I could but I retired during all this mess and now I do not see how to live a retired life and I just feel so out of touch with the world.

 

Sorry I keep coming up with these weird questions but I just do not get how one gets there life back when there seems to be nothing to come back to because I have lost my mind.  Needless to say I have no interest or motivation for life but I am motivated to heal.

 

 

[[Ch...]]

This is a perfectly normal reaction and I remember being in this gray area.  It's an odd in-between place and you'll find the things you can do as you go.  If you vacuumed the basement, how about another task, maybe smaller?  After so long being ill, I know my to-do list was formidable.  I'm still catching up.

 

[[pe...]]

Wo- Im impressed by how well you are able to describe your current experience. I feel the exact same way with breaks here and there where I feel a tad more normal. My brain feels like mush a lot of the time. When I can't think, I like to clean. Wash the floors, wash the walls (I have little boys with messy hands), clean the tub, pull weeds. I do each thing slowly and none of it requires much brain power. I hear this will get better, I hope it does very soon.

 

Peace2

[[wo...]]

Peace2...

 

You are lucky to have little boys to chase after, at least it forces you to keep going.  I raised 4 wonderful boys but they are all grown now and I miss them so much.  But I could not have handled a family during acute, how did you do it?

[[pe...]]

My husband has become our main caregiver. He's the reason I've made it this far. I have to step away and he steps in.

 

Peace2

[[wo...]]

Peace2

 

What are you able to do?

Can you cook a meal?  Can you shop?

Have you ever felt normal in your brain function?  You are a little ahead of me in jump time.

Do you see any windows of this letting up at all?

 

I am really scared this won't correct itself and it freaks me out.

 

I was so active, normal and sane before, I just hate this feeling.

 

[[Mr...]]

Peace2

 

What are you able to do?

Can you cook a meal?  Can you shop?

Have you ever felt normal in your brain function?  You are a little ahead of me in jump time.

Do you see any windows of this letting up at all?

 

I am really scared this won't correct itself and it freaks me out.

 

I was so active, normal and sane before, I just hate this feeling.

 

Dear Worried One,

I hope you don't mind if I jump right into your questions addressed to Peace2, just could not resist.

My Mom is almost a year off lorazepam and She is a lot like you described.

She lives alone, but my brother visits Her every day when I am back into my life on another continent. I came to Her in the mid of April with my 6-years old son and try to help Her to go through this what you describe so well.

She is and was MANY times not literally knowing what to do next. She was asking me questions when I was far away - by telephone, "ok, I have done this and that and what am I suppose to do next?"

So when I came here She was right away occupied with my son, but I have to say that She was getting impossibly tired/impatient after jump off comparing to when She was tapering. So I tried to involve my son in activities outside the house and tried to fill the time for my Mom somehow - with whatever She wanted. She is very much lost about finding or recognising some objects at home but it is going away, thanks God...

 

I thought, just like you stated in your question "can you cook a meal" - that She cannot, because She stopped doing it. But recently I asked Her to help me to do half of dinner. I told Her: make this and that (simple things but I did not tell Her one activity after another, assuming She knows). I was sure She won't make it - but She did!

So I think there is something wrong on this stage of healing with association between skills and planning. When I tell Her "what next" She can do it. If I don't - She would sit and stare at the window or outdoor on the bench.

She cannot shop like I do - have something in my mind what I want to buy and search for it in stores. BUT when She wants to buy something to eat - she will find where to go and gets it ready prepared or makes it Herself. Right after that She doesn't remember She has done that but She DOES have the knowledge how to do it. I think it is DR which is causing this alien feeling ... I read somewhere here in BB yesterday a post by someone who jumped off 8 years ago and she said she could not even tie her shoes or build up a sentence. No mentioning anything like cooking etc higher level skills.

Her own family was praying for her death - she was so miserable and they were so hopeless after numerous medical tests revealing that everything is fine with her. It took her 2 years to recover.

Many people here writes that 2 years is THE TIME and if someone has a better luck - that is good for them, but for many the mark 2 years is very realistic. You are still early yet. My Mom tried to vacuum ONCE, but the noise freaks Her out.

She says many times that when She is alone everything is MUCH worse, but I think it is also more peaceful. I am thinking about making my Mom daily routine by writing down what to do at each hour. She is SO disconnected that She really doesn't know most of the time what to do. BUT every day now, when my son goes to perform in amphitheatre at 3 p.m. She asks me "where are we going at 3 pm?" and She is ready to go.

I think it would be helpful to make a "fake" life up for Her (you?) according to how you imagine it suppose to be and just read the note and do it.

You will feel accomplished and less weird, I believe so,

My Mom also was very active, had many friends and helped many people, always open hearted, interested in life, curious to learn new things (languages) and reading a lot. When i See Her in this condition I get sometimes REALLY scared, but any available tests did not confirm Her brain being really damaged so I just tough it up each wave and enjoy even the smallest window.

In the window She is not so eager to know what to do next, She is more relaxed and I feel stronger contact between us. She gets a joke then and can make one too. She loves people like She used to before. She may still not be able to plan Her day but She seems be happier.

I hope that my post will make you feel more "normal" as withdrawer-er. The life will come back and you won't worry about those alien feelings.

Even without people you will find a joy in the fact that you endure such a struggle alone and you are so brave to still fight and fight regardless of your tiredness and worry. You are not alone, even if physically you are. I am right there with you and would like to have a cup of tea or something like that. Imagine that and try to prepare it for you. And then enjoy that you did it and can plan something again. I know it is not exciting and no satisfying, but I believe if you will start fulfill the out of blue activities - you will find a joy in some and slowly recover your preference, routine and style in your life.

You ARE there, inside of you.. These little connections in your brain don't work properly and that is why you feel so bad. But it will pass and in the meantime try to reward yourself for everything you have done so far. Every day, every minute, every effort. This is your victory and it will bear fruits of your freedom and happiness. Just keep on planting it. "Dig" the whole and place a seed into it. The victory will come. Stay strong and don't worry. There is many things waiting for you after this struggle. You are doing great. Mrubar

[[wo...]]

Thank you for jumping in.

This mental state is unbearable.

[[pe...]]

I'm about to go back to work like this. As a teacher at a new school. It will be a miracle if I can fake my way through. I thought I'd be better by now. I keep hoping I'll turn the corner. Maybe the work will help coax my brain into action. I will find out soon enough. I don't want to lose my career and my home which are likely if I can't perform at this job.

 

Mrubar,

Your mom is so lucky to have you. I hope she is feeling better soon. I think you're right about the two years. It's just a matter of how we get through those years and the damages we incur along the way.

 

Blessings to you both,

Peace2

[[wo...]]

Peace2....can't believe you are going back to work.

Do you ever get the feeling you are sinking deeper and deeper into unreality?

When did you first get a day of relief from this, what was it like?

I am 5 3/4 months off and no sign of this dp/dr letting up, it almost seems worse.

I really need to see a sign of hope that this is healing.

[[wo...]]

There is a dp/dr support group under SUPPORT GROUPS

It would be great to have a recovered one help us with advice