not gonna make it

[[ch...]]

cant stand the way these drugs make me feel, doc does not care, they get you addicted to this stuff and leave you hangin, was just on valium, then switched to klonopin, felt worse, then lowered.25. went into bad withdrawal, changes me back to 20 mil valium in afternoon and says see you in two weeks,still klonopin 1mil morn and eve, feel like this is a step backwards,everyday you wake up feeling different, yesterday I tried to do the acceptance thing, said need to be patient,felt lonely and very depressed, today I wake angry over the whole thing and that docs don't care, he never told me what the plan is, so just left hangin, its like just wait until you take next dose to see if it helps, I cant not live like this, from what I hear detox is awful, so what do you do, just live like this ? I cant, I just cant, if you call him and tell him how you feel he wont even talk, like I am doing something wrong,so it will be a long time where I am back to just valium and then not sure he is doing the right amount, when it was just the Ativan I needed to go off of the eq of valium was just 10 mil of valium, where the other doc had me at, with the klon its 20 mil valium per 1 mil if klonopin, so now addicted to klonopin which is gonna take more valium to equal, I am not ready for this fight as the klon builds up in my system, cant find another doc, please someone with some knowledge with these drugs please help me, the valium does not even make me tired, don't know if the klon is just fighting against it, what do I do, feel like ending it because I know what lies ahead

[[ch...]]

please  need some advice on this, don't know what to do

[[Ki...]]

I know exactly how you feel, lost, scared and hopeless. The liquid Ativan I tried didn't work and threw me into horrific withdrawal yesterday, feeling terror and panic all day. I finally went up on my dose

last night with a .5 pill. But now I don't know what to do. My therapist is urging me to go to detox. When I called my doctor yesterday and said it was an emergency he never called back. I don't know how I'm ever going to do this. That withdrawal yesterday was absolute torture.

[[ch...]]

so sorry you are feelin so badly, its terrible when the docs wont help

[[Pr...]]

I am not sure you want to take advice from me since I am still new to this taper/wd's thing but I am freeing myself from Clonzepam as well.  But I feel that you are reaching out to have someone to talk to and I will do what it takes to help you.  First of all, try (and I know it is very hard) to calm down.  Breathing, relaxing thoughts, talking to your support system....these things helped me alot.  I also drink chamomile tea which does help me relax on the anxiety.  I was having major issues with anxiety before I read thru the main pages of this website.  Mainly, the withdraw symptoms page.  I read that page every time I start to feel out of whack or anxiety.  It helps me relax in seeing that the symptoms I am having are being caused by the pill.  Nothing else.  I am not going to die.  I tell myself that "oh that issue, comes from the stupid pill" and that calms me down.  This pill and wd from it not only messes with the mind in making you worried, it also brings on a lot of physical symptoms as well.  Ones that i used to freak me out over because i didn't know it was because of the pill.  I thought it was my body failing.  The best thing you can do is really force yourself, or at least work on forcing yourself, into realizing that this is all the benzo making your body all pissed off at you for taking benzo's away from it.  But after a little time, some people longer than others, it WILL go away and you can move on to the next step.  You just have to accept the fact that this is happening, it is not your body failing, but your mind saying...."Hey what the hell?  Why are you taking away this stuff?"  But your mind gets over it.  At least in time it will.  if you don't dwell on it. 

 

I am in no way an expert and like i said, still very new to this.  And I blamed the doctor as well for putting me on this stuff and not telling me what was going to happen over time of using it.  But I also put that on myself as well for not researching the effects either.  So i just let go of the doctor issue and stopped seeing her.  I could easily go on some other drug to help with these withdrawals.  But I decided that there is no way in hell that i am putting yet another drug in my body that i have to deal with as well.  Only new stuff i am putting in my body is natural stuff now.  My goal over all is to get off all my current meds.  Because I know that my meds that i am currently on are the result of tolerance withdraw side effects.  But no one, not me or my doctors, realized that.  So it is what it is.

 

Once thing you might also try to reading less of the "horror stories" on this page and read more of the success stories.  It will help you realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You may not see it yet, but focusing on the positive side of this journey is what will get you there.  Once I realized that focusing on the negative was making things worse, I changed my attitude and started looking for the light.  Try also finding a psychologist.  Or your spouse or close loved ones.  One that you can talk to.  Your fears.  Your thoughts.  My wife has been my biggest supporter for me. 

 

From what I have read, it will get worse before it gets better.  If you let it.  Stop looking and concentrating on the negative and start looking at the positive.  I know you are suffering.  We all are.  it's how you focus on that reaction that will determine how you make out.  Looks like from your remarks that once you make a change, you feel really bad and go to the doctor to make another change.  Try sticking it out if you can.  Most doctors don't have a clue what we are really going thru.  They don't read the research, or have many patients with our issues.  So they seem like they don't care.  Forget them.  You care.  You take your life back.  We know you can do it.  We all have faith in your recovery.  You say you feel like ending it all because you know what lies ahead.  You honestly don't know what lies ahead.  none of us do.  Every person handles it differently.  But if you try and attack it in a more positive way, it will be better for you.  Ending it all is not the answer, no matter how you take it.  Go to an ER before you get to that point.  Let them stabilize you if it is that bad.  But sticking it out will help you. 

 

I can't tell you what will work for you.  Neither can anyone else.  But we can tell you what works for us.  As far as what benzo you should be on to taper, that's really your call.  What works best for you?  Go that route.  If you have to go up on your dosage then try going up to stabilize.  Then start your taper from there and don't keep jumping around.  It will only make it worse IMO.  Again, i don't have the experience yet to be an expert or even a seasoned veteran.  But i am going down this path with a positive outlook.  That's what is keeping me in check and ready to shake this crap. 

 

If you have any questions about what I am going thru or need someone to chat with during your wd, let me know.  I may not be the most experienced, but I feel that a positive look at this is the best way to overcome it.  I am here if you need the support.  As is everyone on this site.  You can do it.  Just sit down, strap in, and hang on for the ride.  It is going to be a bumpy one.  But the ride does come to an end.  And you will be smiling when the ride is over!   

 

prman162           

[[ch...]]

thank you for reply,just feel doc is not understanding and will not even will tell me what plan is, tried calling him, wont talk, made apt for today which is only gonna make him mad, don't know what to do

[[th...]]

Chicky, many of us have had problems with the doctors. They aren't equipped with the knowledge to deal with the people who have severe issues from benzos. They don't know how to respond, and yes some of them become irritated and mean in their ignorance. Doctors don't like to be unsure or subpar, it makes them feel like a failure. Trust me I am an RN, I know. There are docs out there who will accept they don't know everything and reach out to learn but I haven't run into any. And guess what? That's ok. My pdoc doesn't do anything for me but write my prescription so I can get cont to taper. There is no plan from this doctor (this is the 3rd doctor I have seen in this journey!) ....my plan came from this group. I am grateful I have a doctor who will write my prescriptions for as long as it takes for me to taper, bc I have been cut loose by several others who wouldn't. I've been called a drug seeker, made to feel ashamed and embarrassed in the ER when I would go in bc of the wd syx (earlier in the taper when I hadn't understood the syx of wd or found bb) only to be told nothing is wrong with me! It is very frustrating when the medical community can't seem to help us, but honestly, I don't need them in any other capacity but to write the scripts. The rest can be done apart from them with this group. I basically just tell my doc now what I am doing and she blindly just writes me my Xanax. I don't rely on her for emotional support at all!! She can't give it. I have accepted that. You can get support here, from people who IMO know more about these drugs than anyone else on the planet!!! But hon, you have to let go of the anger about the doc and move onto accepting the situation for what it is. This is not an easy path, it is going to take time, lots of it. And the days will be hard. Now hard does not mean impossible. It's totally possible! I know you can do it!!! We are here for you.

 

What do you do now? Well I would take the Valium and the K for the two weeks until you see the doc again. Ask around on this forum about the best way to taper off with what you have. Learn this process. Then when you go back to the doc have an idea of a plan yourself...present this plan to him. He may just agree now since he caved in giving you the Valium finally. Until then, take the doses you said you have and know you are on the right path by just wanting to come off these nasty pills!!

 

And yes, buckle in, there are no magic answers or wands to wave to help get through this, it is a bumpy ride....but hey, so is a lot of other things people endure in life, this is not the worst thing life can throw at us! Remember that...it helps put things in perspective 

 

Grinch

[[ch...]]

I just want to know he has a plan, he just threw the valium at me and was mad, the klon made me worse so just afraid the longer I am on it the harder it will be to get off, not sure he will help with the taper with the valium, know it is gonna take more valium to do crossover, from when I crossed over from Ativan, I was on the right dose, was so scared I made apt today, know he is gonna be very mad, tried to call him, he told me to tex and he is not responding, am afraid he is gonna get mad and stop seeing me or he is gonna treat me like crap again, if he would just tell me he has a plan that would make me feel better but he keeps me hanging, know its gonna take a lot more val. to do crossover, that's why I wanted to see him soon before the klon is to much in my system, ot is it to late at this point ? went he tried to cut klon, went into terrible withdrawal, should I just calm down, cancel apt I made today and just wait ? don't know what to do

[[th...]]

We are not professionals and so we can't tell you what to do. Only you know what is best for you. We can only give support and offer what we know from our own experiences. If what you are looking for is a plan from your doctor than if you can see him, do that. If that's what you need, which is sounds like it is.

 

Grinch

 

It's never too late 

[[Pr...]]

Chicky- i found this line in the Aston Manual that I wanted to share with you:

 

"Calm your emotions. Above all, stop worrying. Worry, fear and anxiety increase all withdrawal symptoms. Many of these symptoms are actually due to anxiety and not signs of brain or nervous system damage. People who fear withdrawal have more intense symptoms than those who just take it as it comes and think positively and confidently about recovery."

 

This is my new motto for my road to recovery.  i hope it calms your worries.

 

prman162

[[Je...]]

Distract if possible.  Go for a walk if u can, it really helps.  I find wathing videos on my iPAD distracts me from how I am feeling. 

 

Remember. that which you focus on gets stronger.  Despite how you feel today, healing is possible.

 

[[lo...]]

Hi chicky

 

I am sorry you feel so bad today. Prman and Grinch have given you lots of good advice.

I know your doctor was unsympathetic to your plight. However, seeing him again is likely to annoy him even more. You really need to stick to a plan for a week or so to give it a chance. Chopping and changing all the time is bad for your brain and it means no-one, including yourself, can tell what is going on. It then is very difficult for anyone to give you any meaningful advice.

 

If I were you, I would stick to the plan for 2 weeks then see your doctor. However, I am not you so you have to do what you think is best. If you need reassurance from doc you can do that by email. Just explain that you are anxious about what his intentions are and it would help your anxiety if you had a plan. Putting things in writing can lessen the tensions which are likely to occur in a face to face conversation. If you can stick to a plan your doctor may become less annoyed and frustrated with you.  I don't know how busy doctors are in the US but here in the UK they are under huge pressure. We have to wait 7-10 days just to get an appointment unless it is an emergency. Try to see things from his point of view too and understand why he might be getting frustrated.

 

I have just had an awful day which is unusual for me. Despite this, I have the same thoughts as yourself.

 

I can't stand this any more.

If I lived in a skyscraper I would jump off it.

Something should be done about these drug companies.

We should all demonstrate on the streets of ? Location.

 

-etc etc

 

These thoughts are normal when having a bad time.

 

You don't know what is ahead. None of us do, thank heavens. If we did, we would all give up.

 

Try to keep calm, accept the bad symptoms and just get through today. It is quite enough to focus on today.

 

Keep in touch and if you do go to see doc I hope it goes well.

 

LF

 

 

[[th...]]

I literally have to keep a calendar by my bed and cross off the days as I get through them...I never look ahead....its just about today...when its done I cross it off and think "Made it one more day!" Next day, I assume the position to make it through another day no matter how bad it is, night comes, I cross off that day...ONE MORE DAY DONE.

 

Hoping you can find some peace my friend....

 

Grinch

[[Sl...]]

Yes, Chicky, as lookingforward says, sticking to a plan instead of jumping doses around is best. 

 

Also, the worse feelings are the most educational, in the long run.  That's the stuff that teaches

us about benzo withdrawal and helps to point us in the right healing direction.  Sort of like learning

how to swim in the areas where the sharks don't feed.  We'll encounter fewer and fewer of those

monsters as we make our way to safer waters.

 

Safer waters being the dosages and times between dosages and cutting that is comfortable for us.

 

It really does work and we really do heal.  All of us.    That deep despair and, "I just can't do this"

is normal and is part of the transition off of this stuff. 

 

You were meant to be healthy from day one, and you like so many of us got distracted by poison:  benzos.

 

So, be your own best friend.  It's easy to see by your posting here that you want to be just that. 

 

We're all here for you as you talk to us about how you're feeling and as you find your taper schedule. 

 

- Slappy