AM I GOING CRAZY! INTO MY SECOND MONTH. Will make / can I take it???

[[do...]]

My greatest and only challenge right now is the mental /psychological stuff that's going on. It is excruciating. I can't think my way out.

 

It's too hard to put into words but I will try.

 

Here is an in depth piece I wrote at day 18 with a few new added symptoms.

 

I am now 32 days off clonazepam.

 

Hello,  I am 18 days out of taking a clonazepam.  I suffered from an anxiety attack during grad school and was prescribed zanex.  It helped for a while.  I then collapsed (went unconscious) in my home and was found by my neighbors then rushed to the hospital. Spent 3 weeks there in the hospital, hallucinating for two weeks.

 

I was then prescribed a clozapam.  After researching this drug I realized it was dangerous to continue taking it.  I tapered off this drug and am suffering to a great degree, symptoms of helplessness, hopelessness and am at the end of my rope. 

 

I am not able to do anything.  I work at a job I hate, but need to keep a roof over my head and food to sustain myself.  I sleep but with much difficulty never for more than 1-2 hours at a time, so I never feel rested and am fatigued all the time, with no energy.

 

I eat my breakfast, go for a brief walk, shower and go to work. Before my friend moved in I had been doing this for 2 years straight. After she moved in I began my taper.  It has become a vicious cycle,  my mind is out of control, there seems to nowhere for me to turn and I think I am going crazy.  I fear this condition is more than just withdrawal. Or is it withdrawal?  I fear I am brain damaged and will never, never, never recover from this hellish situation.  I have no place to turn except to request support from you, who have experienced some of the same symptoms.

 

I fear I will forever be this way, unable to do anything, reach any of my goals, to ever be happy, to ever feel joy, to ever feel anything except, fear, frustration, anxiety, dread and this nightmare will become a permanent state of mind.  I am unable to carry on a conversation without voices in my head telling me I am not good enough, not worthy of friends, I am bad, I am less than anyone I come in contact with.  I am not ever motivated to do anything except push through the day, barely existing, completely unemotional about anything.  I have no feelings at all.  I do not like myself, nor do I see any way out of this quagmire of darkness.  I think I am worthless and have nothing to contribute to the world and yet wishing to be recognized and viewed with respect but right to no avail.  My life has passed me by and I have accomplished nothing, possibly it has been an exercise in futility. There is little or no hope for a wife, no family, no friends.  I am completely and totally alone in the world and no one seems to care.  My future appears to be bleak with no lightness to look forward to, just the dark dread of nothingness. My heart is empty and my soul well, I question if I have one. I truly believe now I am not just experiencing withdrawal but something far more serious and I fear it will never end. 

 

Mental  emotional physical symptoms:

 

Constant analyzing and incessant thinking.

Tremendous fear

Unable to concentrate and focus

Brain Fog or the world has a hazy look to it and there feels like a small electric current running in the middle of my brain.

Takes me forever to get 1 thing done.

Not motivated at all to do anything.

Constant thinking. All negative and wildly distorted.

Noises really bother me

I jolt easily/ startled easily.

Can't do simple things and get frustrated easily.

Paranoia - I think people are thinking things about me and I really believe it to the point where I try to change my behavior or internally to compensate.

I compare myself to everyone and always come up short

I judge a lot.

Thoughts swirl around my head like a liquid. It is hard to describe.

My belief in God is about nil and so is whatever connection I may have to him.

My emotions switch from one to another.

When I here some people speak to me I feel they are against me or don't like me. Even my best friends.

I am constantly on benzo buddies looking for answers.

I have been told I need to think positive and change my thoughts. Yeah right!

I keep looking on the web for anyone...anyone who may be similar to me and be experiencing similar thoughts and emotions and maybe have a similar life experience as me in hopes that I can have a little bit of faith that I can heal Or at least find someone who is experiencing the same.

I am misperceiving reality.

 

All of the spiritual quotes and self help quotes just fly over my head.

iT IS LIKE HEY I  JUST DONT GET IT...I NEED HELP DOWN HERE GOD. PLEASE..I WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY MY LIFE FOR A CHANGE>

I would like to change my career but at this point it is impossible.

I have thought of building my invention but I have no skills and I fear I am in no condition to make proper decisions.

When I speak with people it is hard to follow the conversation. I noticed my mind drifting in other directions when they're talking to me and I can't hear what you're saying it's like a mental blank spot. And then I come back and I'm in the conversation again. But I really have to focus to listen. And I'm squinting my eyes to really trying to focus.

I mentally try and make people do things I want.

I look at all of my friends who are married and have children and know I will never have them for I am not able to take care of them. Plus I feel like and immature child right now and in no way am I able to be a catch for any woman.

I just looked at old pictures of myself and I start to cry and I don't know why.

I am 57 and fear i will die like this or leave the planet before I have tasted of some piece of mind and feel like I have loved again.

I would like to realize some dreams I have but it doesn't seem possible.

They say I am a son of god and I am a beautiful person. I am supposedly worthy and deserving and of good in my life. I am supposed to be able to live in the moment and feel gratitude and connection with life around me and yet I don't and at this point I just can't see it or try to comprehend what that must be like. I wish I could live in the moment but I I can't. It's strange it's like I'm not sure what I want right now it's hard to even tell. Maybe this is a conversation not to be had at this time but these are some of the things that go around in my head.

I just remember living life along time ago where I was happy and free and I did not have all of the stuff that I have now. I was hoping I could get a second chance to create some kind of life that is filled with friends and laughter and productive work some travel here and there little more freedom love and connection to wake up every day and see the sun the blue sky and feel grateful and have some inner peace be able to think and enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

 

I look around and everyone is so grown up and I feel I must have missed the mark on how to grow as human being with no idea on how I can do that can come into some sense of esteem, confidence, worth and inner personal power.

I cower when I am with authority figures.

I see others doing, being, loving life, happy peaceful, walking down the beach and I am hanging on by a thread.

I cant think my way out of this.

I have mental blank spots where I go to do something and then I forgot what I was going to do or am unable to focus. Or I do the wrong thing and forgot what I was supposed to do.

I keep trying to self-correct nut there is no self that is there to connect to just a faint memory of something.

I feel numb nothing.

I have never been one to speak my mind for fear I will say something stupid or be reprimanded or yelled at.

I read a lot of posts on benzos...most of them are people who are married or were married...have or had jobs they loved...where living their lives before benzos...had a love of life....felt love....and beauty....

I haven't; had any of that even before I took the Xanaz....though there was a time when I felt like I was starting to grow though I did have some insecurities.

 

I have posted a few pages under my user name - dolphins1 if you need more detail.

 

It is like I don't now how to live my life and wonder if I ever did.

 

1) Do you really think I am going through withdrawal??

2) Could I have another problem I am not aware of? More serious. Right now I fear I am going to end up alone on the streets. Foe ending my life is never an option.

 

 

 

[[pr...]]

you don't have another problem that you're unaware of.

[[...]]

Dolphins, I relate to much of what you said!

 

It sounds just like my wd! The feelings and all!

 

I just started my 6th month and it's SO much better!! You will improve! I promise!

 

You are very early on...it will gradually improve, and your bad times will be less intense!!

 

Hang in there...it's wd!

 

[[...]]

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=114413.0

 

They're going through the same thing, why not reach out and perhaps you can share and support one another.

[[Sa...]]

 

 

I really just want to give you a big hug and tell you everything will be ok. I know you're really not believing all of these feelings can be due to a legal medicine, but I can assure you they are.

 

Reading this post is like a gut punch. I have felt all of things you're describing for the entire time I was on a benzo...25 years. Quite polydrugged as well for all of those years. And yes, I am married, but let me say, you can be married and appear happy and still feel the extreme loneliness and tortured feelings, believing you are flawed and will never be well. One of the first posts I made stated I've felt like an actress in my own life.

 

This is mental torture. Frankly, it s been a relief for me to find this forum and know I have found the way out of this thinking and it will improve. I will heal. You will heal. It simply takes time. Once I accepted all of this way of thinking really wasn't me, it was the drug talking, I found it easier to accept it would change. I had to blindly trust this process of healing.

 

I have seen a great change in the way I think. Yes, my mind is still full of many of these thoughts. I completely accept this as normal for w/d. Some days are easier than others. We simply need to take this one day at a a time.

[Guest [st...]]

You will get through this man. There are many who have walked the exact same path as you are right now and they have healed. Distract, accept and lots of time.

[[do...]]

thanks for your replies everybody. is there something I can do to put some structure and form it into my day to feel like I am moving forward. right now it is as I wrote in my post just waking up and doing one or two things and going to the beach and then to work.

I'm not sure of my sort of path or purpose in life. & I am looking to find out how I can try to rebuild my brain

start to change my font and build some self esteem and self love..

 

I read a lot of posts from very kind people to respond to me they have families and children and friends and living life and being excited.

 

my question is where do I begin two start to do this for myself so I can revive myself.

[[Lo...]]

im so sorry you feel this way....your symptoms seem like my symptoms. I'm on my 8th month. I'm not doing awesome but doing better than i was doing last month. the mental stuff we are dealing with is the hardest thing i had to deal with. i don't know how i got this far. all i know is I'm not as suicidal, i can snap out of my depression a little easier and having better days.  it was really getting scary for me. for the first months all i did was rock back and forth. uuhhg.  i do know that one day i woke up and noticed i wasn't so depressed and thats all i got right now. we just need to give it time. i talk about on here that there is something mentally wrong with me. all i can do is give myself time to heal from the drugs and deal with the other in the future. if there is an other. i hope not!! lol you are not alone. keep your head up and keep talking to us. it will get better. we are the small percentage of the population who for once isn't taking the easy way out. we should have pride in that.

[[do...]]

Checking in.

[[Lo...]]

how are you feeling today?

 

[[Si...]]

Dolphins, I can very much relate. I've had almost everything you describe in your post. Some of them I had the entire time I was taking the Klonopin and I had no idea why I felt so bad and "weird". I kept saying that "I feel like I'm living someone else's life" and no one understood, including me. Now that I'm off the med, it's even worse, but I have days when it gets much better. I do have physical stuff as well, sometimes quite nasty, but the mental torture is so much harder to handle.

 

Answers to your questions:

1) Yes.

2) Most likely you don't.

 

Hang in there, man. You can "rebuild" your life when you feel better. Time and acceptance. At least that's what I keep telling myself everyday

[[be...]]

I am sorry you are suffering I know firsthand how horrific mental symptoms can be. I stopped a large dose of Ativan cold turkey 8 months ago. The mental torment was excruciating. The ruminating thoughts were endless. I thought I was losing my mind. Fear by far was the worst. It was attached to nothing yet I lived in sheer terror. It was a living nightmare. But around the end of the second month things took a more positive turn. My symptoms started to lessen and became more manageable.  Every month just got better and better and I now I am doing quite well and once again I am enjoying life. I know it seems endless now but it will get better. It sounds like you are still in the acute phase.

[[Fl...]]

YOU ARE IN WD!!!!!  TRUST YOU ARE! ME TOO, IT'S HELL, but you're gonna make it, I'm gonna make it, we alll are gonna make it!  What you feel is normal for this.  Today is first day in days my mind can even come out of fog long enough to talk on here.  I am doing the good diet thing and sleep, of which I can now.  Fatigue makes you!  I am two months out of my last dose of tapering from Xanax to Valium then off of which I never thought I'd get to even that......Congratulate yourself already on how far you've come, drink water too - I have had to cut out all caffeine even my beloved ice tea and sugar and can only take vitamins that calm but they have helped tremendously with anxiety of the otherworldy type.  I hear somewhere on INet at approx two months body freaks out.  Am always looking when desperate for answers.  God Bless you and hang on, you are worth it.  I still go thru depersonalization and derealization and at times agoraphobia but got out anyways.  Make myself.

[[Fl...]]

It is excruciating but remember none of our neurotransmitters work anymore and CNS crapped out and we have to be patient, even when we feel like we can't hold on!  But we can and we will. 

[[Fl...]]

I had to come back one more time.  You sound so much like me, thank you for sharing!  It's the drug, the absence of what is has taken from us but no you will mend.  That is what they say and what I too hold on to.  I know exactly how you feel.  But NO, it's not you, never believe that.  We are going to heal!