6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

Jenny - Yup..floral bag! 

 

Faith is funny thing and I understand you don't need much..mustard seeds are pretty small.  My faith was questioned too, but I was sure there was at least that much in me somewhere.  Then I was reading in Matthew about all the people who had stuff wrong with them.  The worst possible scenario was the guy with Legion.  Some how I identified with the guy because let's face it.. we have tasted mental illness during this process.  We have been on the cusp of insanity..at least I have. 

 

The guy was cray cray for sure.  NO HOPE WHAT SO EVER..Yet, somehow, his affliction put him right where he needed to be for healing.  That guy wound up sane and free.  Then there was a guy who had an 'infirmity' for 38 year .. he was sitting by a pool waiting for someone to put him in the healing water, but no one did. He didn't go looking for is healing, infact he couldn't.  He could only sit there day after day.. but somehow the healing found him.  He didn't get up everyday and say, 'Today is the day I am going to be healed for good!'.. nope, day after day he sat on his mat, but healing found him. 

 

However, my most favorite, favorite stories are of people who have no ability within themselves to hope or have faith.  Maybe they are unconscious or too sick to feel or care or don't even know they should believe healing is for them.  BUT they know someone who does!  They have friends who lower them thru roofs at the prospect of being healed.. or just send a message of need with enough faith to believe help will come for the ailing person.  Don't worry Jenny.. I have enough faith for us all!  You hang in there.

 

Life - Thank for the compliment.  You have no idea what you have just said...  You are right, nothing can compare to what they are going thru.  Good job not giving into the beast, but yes, now you need to take care of you.  I'm glad the meds worked to lower your heart rate.  Please try to stay in the now and rest.  I am so sorry you are experiencing this.  Please know you are in our prayers.  Shut down all mental 'bunny trails' and no 'what if's'.  That is not for you to take on. 

 

,

MommyR

[[je...]]

Mommy- thanks again, your words have helped once again.

Life-im so glad your heart rate is down. Try and do some meditating if you can. Your so kind and helpful to all of us here and I'm sure you were a big comfort to your friends. Keep posting, we are here for you.

Peace- haven't heard from you today, hope your okay.

[[Fr...]]

Mommy R thank you for your words from me too.  I am in need of faith support.  I am in a bad place lately and can't seem to rise from it.  I am losing my faith and my hope of ever getting well.

 

Lisa

[[je...]]

Praying for both of us right now Lisa 

[[Mo...]]

Praying for both of you too!!  I absolutely believe if you will hang on, healing is coming. 

[[mr...]]

Hi gang

 

So nice to come here and see all the posts! I miss my Coop -- you doing okay? You're probably out enjoying life! Which is great! Post us an update, of course I just love reading about healing

 

This afternoon I had a couple hours of lessening of things. I was/am very grateful for this. This "wave" has been tough -- but I'm believing that I'm coming out the other side with a great baseline, and that it will never dip low again! Waves/windows, sure -- but not low dips, or long waves

 

L4M, I am happy to hear you found some relief from your beta blocker. A couple pages back, Coop explained to me the action of a beta blocker, and some good things to know ,It was helpful to me to know these things, so you're welcome to read her post about it too if you'd like Things will simmer down for you, no worries Part of the process for me has been realizing that life happens, even in withdrawal, and that even if I feel poopy, I'm going to make it I can't avoid everything, lol So I'm just going to face the stressors and learn how to deal with them as best I can at the level I'm at. It'll get better and better with time, I know. And although it can feel very ick when facing them at times, its never as bad as I think its going to be (praise God). And even if it is, se la vie (I'm sure I spelled that wrong, lol!) I'm just trusting God to take care of things when they're outside my comfort zone. Just "ride the pony" lol till its over

 

All easier said than done I know. And I'm still working on doing it myself too. Hope you feel better soon, L4M

 

Settling in for the evening here Mr will be home soon (hooray!) Looking forward to seeing my love and hero soon. Thanks gang for being here with me and for welcoming me to such a great thread Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

I just sent a prayer for all on our entire thread. I know it will bring healing.

 

I know what it is to feel so disconnected from God and not trusting in him. I mean -- how can we when we are so in our heads with the s/a? It's like the beast tries to crowd out God. We just have to know that he is there.

 

Lie

[[mi...]]

So many encouraging words and lots of living life going on here! Yay!!

 

Free.. I am so sorry you are suffering so, it can just be so relentless, some just seem to get hit so much harder. Everyone heals whether they get hit really hard or not quite so hard. I know that sentence does not help in the deep suffering but sometimes it is the only thing we can hold onto...many warm feelings sent your way....m

 

Life... so glad the meds helped!!

[[mr...]]

Mommy R thank you for your words from me too.  I am in need of faith support.  I am in a bad place lately and can't seem to rise from it.  I am losing my faith and my hope of ever getting well.

 

Lisa

 

Sweetie, no worries

 

It helps me to remember that I cannot ever lose my faith -- it is a gift, and it was placed in me by Him himself. Faith is not a feeling, it is a force. Hope is also not a feeling, but a force. And, (thank God), it is something that is activated by actions & words, and not by feelings or thoughts. So, the good news is...despite the lack of feeling these things, you can still activate them and their ministering power Ain't God the smartest? It'd stink if we had to feel everything before we could do/use them. Praising God for making things this way

 

So, where you're at currently. Bleh. Right? But all you have to do right now is not give up, and let time pass Dat is all Oh, and take a few actions -- small steps -- mini feats -- that align with where you'd like to be Everyday is good, but just do what you can   God knows And he's proud of you This thang ain't no small feat!!

 

Loving on you Lisa I hope this encourages you a bit If it doesn't relate to you at all, or you're not "there" yet no worries whatsoever - feel free to just disregard:) These are just some things I'm keeping in mind, etc Either way, you are healing even in the midst of the worst

 

Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

Such great words from every one!!!!  I have to get the kids dinner so jumping off. 

 

MommyR

[[pe...]]

There is a lot going on and I can't get to all if it right now. But everyone who's praying, keep it up! I haven't slept in two nights and it's life related not benzo related. I'm exhausted. I had a huge blowout with my husband who is also exhausted. The word divorce was batted around. I cried all night and woke him at 5:00 in the morning for the most tender conversation about us we've had in a long time. I had an EEG done and eleven vials of blood drawn just to check into what my body is doing. Orders from the neurologist. So, there's all that but today was the closest I've felt to normal in a long time. Keep praying, dear ones.

 

MommyR- I agree with Life. You are a talented writer. It could be your gig. I would buy your books. I'm glad your errands went ok. I enjoyed the ride immensely. My three year old is a June birthday. He requested a books birthday which was very fun. A friend made a piñata in the shape if a Curious George book, all the guests made a book for him and ofcourse brought him books. A winter party would be so much fun. I kind of love planning kids' parties.

 

Life - oof. I'm thinking of you rising in the sea of stress around you. You will stay centered despite these difficulties. Ahh. I'm so sorry for the loss of this young one you know. I think it was MommyR who spoke so beautifully about grief.

 

Greenice- you have come back strong to our thread with words of encouragement. Thank you.

 

Let's hold on to hope. I think I've had a little break in the clouds. If it happens for me, then all things seem possible. I've not had clear windows, easing of symptoms here and there. But these last couple of days things have been different. Lets see what the next couple days bring.

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

Peace - Oh, you are so gentle and sweet.  I am so happy you have a break!  So sorry you had a blow out with hubby.  My guy is my rock, so that is tough.  This is hard on all of us.  So hard.  Crying all night...I'm so sorry.  I am praying for everyone...everyone.  A break in the clouds is wonderful.  Praying for sleep for you tonight.  Thank you for sharing what has happened.  A book party!!  How creative!    Last year was brutal..did Chuck E Cheese.  The year before he was afraid of cakes and candles.  This year it's game on baby! I will pick your brain when the time comes.. We will all be waiting to see how the tests come out.  In March, I took a break from talking to my husband about stuff.  I turned to my mom and my MIL.  He wasn't able to see the little victories I knew were happening.  Celebrate your little victory with him.  We look the same to them on the outside.  (For every 3rd word I typed above please insert -don't shoot him with your gun- we aim at targets not people- get off of that chair- where are your clothes?- NO WE DON'T SHOOT MOMMY- stop screaming!!)..haha 

 

My gig.. it's a life long dream to be a writer.  I have 5 children's stories written and a sci fantasy novel I started years ago.  When I get my brains back I intend on seeing if they are good enough for an agent.  You never know.  I'd also like to tell this story... the benzo ride.  I've thought a lot about what I'd call it...  I haven't had it as bad as other's but I've tasted all of it.  One bite will last a life time. I'd do an ebook and then all the proceeds would go to bringing attention on this wretched ailment.  I can't believe no one has made a documentary on this topic.  If I knew how I would do it. 

 

Thanks for going to Target and Marshall's with me everyone.  Sorry the popcorn was so salty.  If you didn't have any, it was just ok anyways...

 

Life, Green, Mrs, Beulah, Jenny, Lisa, Nova, Coop (where are you?), Sky, Minnie, HH, GMIT, Drew (where you at?)  Hopefully everyone is doing well.  Praying for sleep and peace for each of you..

 

MommyR 

[[je...]]

Hi peace, so sorry about the fight with the hubby. I had one myself a few weeks back, its hard on everyone. Sounds like things ended up positively and you had a break in sx-- so happy to hear that. Your sons b-day sounds so cute! My boys are 5 & 7 and still love curious George. Wish Mommy, you and I were all neighbors and could just hang for a day I pray you get some sleep tonight and wake up feeling great!

[[Sk...]]

Peace, sorry about the fight with your husband but these things are bound to happen in our state and  our spouses are suffering so much too even though in a different way. In a way they keep seeing us as normal, they see we are sick but not all of it and they quarrel with our normal selves. At least that is what I have noticed until now.

 

Mr Sky and I had a quarrel right before going to bed. But then, surprisingly enough I fell asleep like a log and THAT would have never happened before ! 

 

MommyR, I agree with everybody, you are quite the storyteller. I love children's stories  so you just got me quite interested !

 

Somebody, of course I forget who,  advised me  to take in account  the gravity of symptoms when making my symptom list. It's a great idea even though the lump in the throat sort of exasperates all the other ones, he is the leader of the pack !

 

I have lost weight because of it, I can't eat at dinner time otherwise I get the lump and it is awful and I can't sleep. But not eating seems to calm things down and I am better. I just try to eat some fruit at about 6. 30 in the afternoon.

 

Ok, that is it I am going to get my little errands done ! Hope things are bettter for every one today.

[[...]]

Sorry Peace, I sure hope things are better today! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

Sky, you sound good!

 

Everyone else, be well!!

 

[[Co...]]

Good morning buddies....A lot going on here...

.....Life ...please talk to your pharmicist before taking the propaolol....and research it for yourself as well. Dosages are not the same for all b/p medications.  Beta blockers block the cortisol release in your body,  but that can backfire as the beta block clears your system and your body releases the blocked cortisol....you can experience intense surges. Many people do just fine on beta blockers and I use 6 mg of atenolol for b/p spikes.  If I have to use it more than a few days in a row it makes me depressed...a common side effect from beta blockers. Dizziness and sedation can also be side effects.  ...Life I am so sorry for your stressors right now. Hope things are better with your wife....tragic accident with the child and you were wonderful to offer comfort to her family. Green is right ....the civil suite is only money.....use all your tools you gained in your amazing w/d and take one day at a time....

......Life I hope things settle a little bit for you soon and give you a chance to catch your breath....You will get through it all Life...but make up nice with your wife...you need that girl in your corner...lol....coop

[[li...]]

Coop you do not know how much your post has helped me. Thank you so much for everything that you do.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Good morning buddies....A lot going on here...

.....Life ...please talk to your pharmicist before taking the propaolol....and research it for yourself as well. Dosages are not the same for all b/p medications.  Beta blockers block the cortisol release in your body,  but that can backfire as the beta block clears your system and your body releases the blocked cortisol....you can experience intense surges. Many people do just fine on beta blockers and I use 6 mg of atenolol for b/p spikes.  If I have to use it more than a few days in a row it makes me depressed...a common side effect from beta blockers. Dizziness and sedation can also be side effects.  ...Life I am so sorry for your stressors right now. Hope things are better with your wife....tragic accident with the child and you were wonderful to offer comfort to her family. Green is right ....the civil suite is only money.....use all your tools you gained in your amazing w/d and take one day at a time....

......Life I hope things settle a little bit for you soon and give you a chance to catch your breath....You will get through it all Life...but make up nice with your wife...you need that girl in your corner...lol....coop

 

Just wanted to note that I have experienced a similar "surge" like what Coop describes. When it happens, it just feels like a panic attack. It is uncomfy, but it is not the end of the world. I was very grateful that I was aware of this before it happened, so I was aware of what it was

 

Good morning all, BTW!

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

I was off yesterday...I got hit with crushing depression...one of the worst in months. I have had to take my beta blocker on a daily basis this week because my b/p is up in the mornings ( some morning adrenalin surges that shoot the b/p up)....So I think the depression is worsened by the beta blocked. My doc is ordering a different medication for b/p....hate the idea of any med. .....Today looks like it might lift..All in all I am still at a better place than month 6...

..,...Free..I hope you get a better day today too...and Nova sending thoughts to you loved your signs...perfect approach to 'perfect ' people. ...Signing off for now...going to watch my eleven year old grandson get his first 'pilot lesson '...he wants to be a pilot when he grows up and he is going to the little private air strip and a family friend is taking him up for a flight ..exciting stuff...more later..I just don't have a lot of rahrah for benzo w/d this morning.  I am tired tired ...but things could turn around by afternoon so I am hoping for that....wishing everyone a good good day.....coop

[[je...]]

Have fun Coop-- sounds like a fun time with your grandson. Sorry about the depression, those days are the worst. Let us know how it goes today jenny

[[dr...]]

Hi all,

 

Been hanging back and trying to heal here. Been okay except for what I think just be low level depression. I never suffered from it before and it's not here when I'm in a window.  I just don't seem to be have an interest in many things and I'm emotionally detached from everything.  I have no feelings for my gf either way which is scary to even type.  I know in my heart it's not true. 

I think it's probably a part of the healing process.  My brain trying to fill in all the pieces as to what the hell I've been through. 

The good thing is I usually am a very good outlook type of person and it's not around in my windows.

 

Drew

[[...]]

Drew, hang tight! I've been through this a couple of time in this process!

 

You explained exactly what I've gone through! I've never suffered from depression or anxiety before, but have experienced both through this!

 

Your brain is healing, you are right! 

 

[[mr...]]

Hi gang

 

Good morning to you all

 

I had a partial window open up yesterday evening, and it was awesome to experience Its been a while since I've experienced a full window, but I'm happy for the partials and will take them of course Despite the symptoms and feelings and experiences, I choose to believe that this is the month that the mental and uncomfy physical symptoms falls away, in the name of Jesus! I just thank God I am healed by His stripes, and that it is manifesting every second of every day Amen, yes Lord it is so

 

How was everyone's night and mornings? I am hoping well. I met my new baby niece last night for the first time, which was AWESOME! She is teeny and perfect and full of facial expressions! Love her She looks just like my sister-in-law, facial expressions and all

 

Coop, its good to hear from you again I'm sure things will lift soon, no worries

 

This process has been longer than what I hoped for, with a much higher price to pay than I wanted, but...they say the greater the struggle the greater the victory (Not that I am seeking any deeper struggle than what it already is -- I believe the worst is passed, and the best is yet to come) I am sure that once healing is completely manifested I pray that I never take well-being for granted again -- praise the Lord for general well-being!

 

I am grateful to be welcomed here, buddies I am hopeful that your day is a good one FreedofV, thinking of you lots This will lift soon It is just a wave Sometimes, when I do a thing to overcome fear or anxiety, I feel so proud of myself and it ushers in some good feelings for a while.  Please remind me in the future that faith (and hope and love and joy) are substances, that we already have them within us, and are released through actions and words, and not thoughts or feelings

 

Take care buddies; much love to you,

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Mommy R thank you for your words from me too.  I am in need of faith support.  I am in a bad place lately and can't seem to rise from it.  I am losing my faith and my hope of ever getting well.

 

Lisa

 

Lisa, hang on, I was there for a whole month.  I called it a black hole, Sky just called it "afraid I will fall back into the blind unawareness, numbing me."  It's called cog fog, chemical depression  -- whatever the hell it is, it's B.S.  It's an effing withdrawal symptom.  It's a thief in the night that steals our souls.  Don't believe it, it's not real, it's all benzo lies.  Hang in there, it will pass.  I know it can be powerful.  I was wandering around crying and lost for a month.  Hang in there.  It breaks.  And when it does, you'll see it for what it was and you'll be able to find tools to deal with it.

[[Gr...]]

Good morning buddies....A lot going on here...

.....Life ...please talk to your pharmicist before taking the propaolol....and research it for yourself as well. Dosages are not the same for all b/p medications.  Beta blockers block the cortisol release in your body,  but that can backfire as the beta block clears your system and your body releases the blocked cortisol....you can experience intense surges. Many people do just fine on beta blockers and I use 6 mg of atenolol for b/p spikes.  If I have to use it more than a few days in a row it makes me depressed...a common side effect from beta blockers. Dizziness and sedation can also be side effects.  ...Life I am so sorry for your stressors right now. Hope things are better with your wife....tragic accident with the child and you were wonderful to offer comfort to her family. Green is right ....the civil suite is only money.....use all your tools you gained in your amazing w/d and take one day at a time....

......Life I hope things settle a little bit for you soon and give you a chance to catch your breath....You will get through it all Life...but make up nice with your wife...you need that girl in your corner...lol....coop

 

Coop, all of your medical fears have had a positive result - you know a lot about pharmaceuticals now, lol.  Feel better, my friend.  Whatever I had going on last month broke, and I'm feeling better.  Better enough to know that we're all going to be fine.