6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Mommy....this is definitely the place to come to with crying and neediness....we are all frequent visitors at the crying wall...crying actually helps me,  but I hide it too ...there is only so much misery my walking friend can handle I think. Poor girl,  her husband is going through depakoate w/d ( month 6...have mercy)...she supports me and her husband ( her husband, being a 'guy ' doesn't talk to me directly about his w/d. He sends questions through his wife and I send answers and my own questions back through her). Don't know how she manages go through this with 2 people she cares about. She does get my dog every day to hike with her up on the mountain side behind our complex. I think that is her escape...she goes to the mountain. ..I do a LOT of crying and needing support here in this group....thank you to every single one of you for the support I find here...Mommy I watch episode after episode of Big Bang Theory on bad days...I know every character 's lines of every episode...

....Peace ...a room of your own...perfect ...every mother ( benzo w/d or not) needs a space of her own...good for you. ...

[[Mo...]]

Thank you Coop.  I feel so selfish wanting everyone to hold my hand.  I feel like my son when he comes to me and says, "I did good mom, right?".    Ah, the anxiety spiral.  I know it so well.  Last night I woke up sweating and exhausted and then my heart flipped and sped up.  I am shocked every time I go get my bp checked an it's normal.  Then I have the conversation, so what if you had to take meds for b/p.  People do it EVERYDAY!!.. It's like Life was saying.. these are just people... they aren't going to kill and eat me!!!  Aaaaargh..

 

It feels like I am punching my pillow right now, but somehow I am better.  Somehow I know I am better. 

 

Thank you for how you lay this out.  You are so good at laying out the facts as we see them and slapping it down.  I am an old mom (46) and yet a kid inside always looking for guidance.  I don't even remember pre-benzo.  Oh to be an expert at something again.. wait, when we finish this we will be experts in recovery won't we.  We will be experts in the process of benzo hell and surviving. 

 

'I keep reading that this is so gradual ( why why why) that we hardly notice the waves getting further apart and the window s becoming more frequent and the baseline slowly improving consistently. .....'  I believe you.  I trust the words of others in this process.  Although I doubt and whimper, my faith tells me I was not born to live in this lie forever.  That there is a purpose and a plan for my life.  That somehow this journey is being used for something. 

 

Have a good pt.  I still picture you getting ready to boogie board.  Faking it until we make.. I can do that. 

 

FREE!!!! - How are you dear Free?  I'm so sorry.  Some how I want to have everyone over in my living room with comfy pillows and blankets while I serve chamomile tea.  Everyone gets their own head set and and iPad to watch a movie or listen to music.  You can sit and talk if you need while I clean the kitchen.  Need some veggies cut for dinner?  I can do that.  There is a chalkboard with everyone's name and if you are in the trenches your name is on the left.. in a window you go on the right.  All the trench peeps get 1x1 time with a 100% healed counselor or a quiet room alone to meditate. 

 

What would a place for us to go look like?  If there was a center for us to go to.. what should it have, I wonder? Ashton said we need a special facility just for those recovering from benzo.

 

Coop - I forgot.. Not sure how I'm viewed by others, but I always pick the GI Jane or Katnis folks.  Work people might have called me Pollyanna.. I am going to have to Facebook this question!!!!  I always take those tests.  Today I did the 'what nickname should you have' one...  Sunshine!  Which character on Star Trek.. Kirk baby! 

 

Okay, dishes are still sitting there, but the pork roast is on!!

[[mr...]]

Mrs. I had a miserable couple of months ( month 6/7) of intrusive morbid dark thoughts that came with d/r and depression. It was one of the worst phases of my p/w. ...It does get better. I still have random brief episodes of it but not nearly like months 6/7....it is absolute hell....and then it eased.

....Like Peace ...everything scared me including my own thoughts..even non scary thoughts Sometimes a random neutral word like ' clock ' or ' rocking chair ' ...absolutely nice fine words would bring a spike of anxiety...no rhyme or reason....and then it got better. .and then it got better...and then it got better. ..

.......it is hard Mrs but try to survive this the best you can.  I personally found it was hard to distract from ..I watched mindless Tv sitcoms ..one hour at a time is how I got through it.

......So sorry you are going through this...we are supporting you.

...Thinking of you today Mrs.and wishing you some sunbreaks...coop

 

Oh Coop, I sit here in tears...its so hard sometimes. Like, SO hard. I even yelled "Why?" at my Father in heaven today -- and this is not his fault, nor did he cause it. He's my helper, not the enemy or inhibitor.

 

I just get so tired of feeling scared, anxious, depressed, shakey, panicky, nauseated, etc etc etc. So tired of knowing that the thoughts and "fears" are NOT REAL and NOT MINE, but they're there for me to deal with. Tired of the thoughts that say "this won't end", or that "this is the 'new me'" etc...y'all know the drill. I've read it literally 100s of times from others posting, HELLO?!? How many times will I declare "The worst has passed!"

 

My apologies for all this. I'm just having a "tired" day.  I want ME back. And I don't want to wait for it.

 

Okay, time to pick up and reset. Gonna lay down this afternoon and rest. Tomorrow is a new day. And who knows? Tomorrow might be, just might be...the day it all turns around. Or the best window ever.

 

Thanks for being here, gang. And Coop -- you picked me up. Thank you for that. We ARE healing, no matter what we think or feel -- and we WILL be restored, double for our former trouble, nothing missing nothing broken.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Mommy.....boy oh boy could I use an afternoon ( no...a month) at your house...what a lovely idea. I had a similar vision a few months ago about a Healing Abbey....next to the ocean...Nova making tea...Life providing an inspirational encouragement...Peace 's and yours and HH's and Jenny 's children playing ....a nutritionist preparing meals from the garden...beautiful music and chant....a massage healer...an herbalists...cashmere or silk comforters on generous mats....well on and on...but all of us...each one of us there walking the beach..gardening in the garden ..reading to children....sleeping peacefully under cashmere....

....ok...back to reality...Mommy,  in this group all feelings are accepted. You are far from selfish...just completely depleted. This process takes everything we have on some days...leaving nothing for anyone else. ....

....In the meantimebI am coming to your house for tea and a peaceful nap...

......We will get through this Mommy...next year we will write success stories....love to you....coop

[[Mo...]]

DELIGHTFUL!!!!!  Thank you Coop!!  Yes, for sure we will be writing our stories.. Love to you

[[mr...]]

Wow, tough day.

 

Anxiety, thoughts that this will NEVER end, that this is me, etc...fear thoughts about future stuff, fear thoughts about stuff I've done in the past, fear fear fear...of NOTHINGS and mundane, everyday things. Really? Simple life tasks can feel like "too much" and overwhelming. I was NEVER like this before. Never had anxiety or fear before benzos. Outside of normal stuff, of course. Fear and anxiety suck.

 

Gang, this past week to week and a half has been: :o Sheesh. There has to be a let-up soon, right? My brain tells me this is how it'll be forever, and it'll only continue to get worse, that I should go on an antidepressant, etc.

 

Man, I hope someday someone will be reading back through my posts and go, Wow! I just read her success story, and if she can come from all this to where she's at now, so can I! I find myself going back and reading past posts of some of my favorite success stories, just to see where they came from.

 

I know I have hope and faith, as I believe they are irrevocable gifts from God, but I rarely feel them anymore. I miss feeling consistently hopeful. My hope and prayer is that once I'm off and free, I will return to me. There are too many who have gone before us and made it to think otherwise (even if my benzo-brain screams otherwise).

 

I just want to feel better. Not much more to say right now. I'm sure I'll be back in later. Thanks for being here with me folks. I'm grateful for the community.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Mrs. -- this is not you, you said it yourself you will not be stuck like this, its all benzo lies. So nice to read your faith for God, I'm ashamed to admit I've lost my faith in God through this process. Its like I'm angry at him for not fixing me.... 

 

Coop, mommy, Lisa, and Mrs you are all in my thoughts and I hope you all wake up in a nice big window tomorrow 

[[Fr...]]

Coop and Mrs - I too sit here in tears and hope that the dark days and pain will go away here in the next few months.  Coop - I'm so happy that life is improving for you, so so happy and appreciate your input and encouragement.

 

I am having trouble navigating what's causing what.  I realize that the dark thoughts are a wd symptom due to brain chemistry being off.  All the counter efforts I am trying haven't helped much - such as positive affirmations.  I've even been writing them down over and over to distract and to try to rewire my brain.

 

MommyR, thank you for you sweet words.  How I'd love to be in your kitchen, taking in all the love and warmth.  You are such a kind soul with a delightful spirit.  I hope your complete healing happens for you real soon.  You sound well on your way to being completely whole again.  Your kids will love having their mom back fully in body and soul.

 

Does anyone else look at their life and see such a loss?  I look back at who I was and miss that person.  I had so much energy and vitality.  I was just watching Sex and the City for the hundreth time to distract myself partly and also because I can live vicariously that way too.  I know it's trivial and vain but I used to wear funky cool artistic clothes like Carrie.  That was me, artsy and cool and kind.  Now I am so sick I don't wear makeup, don't wear anything much, in fact usually go around in my husband's undershirts and boxers in the house for comfort and laying around, barely get my hair cut anymore and am letting it go gray because it's too hard to sit in a salon chair or know which day I might be up to that.

 

I'm just venting here a bit about dumb stuff.  I'm mourning my lost life.  I can barely work on my artwork anymore due to discomfort.  My legs burn and my neck and brain feel inflamed.  I still worry that I might have lyme disease because of the stiff neck and neurological issues.  For only being on 5mg valium, I don't understand this degree of illness.  I'm scared and sick and know that my brain chemistry is off so I'm not even thinking right and yet this is who I am with this condition.

 

Does anyone relate to any of this or is it just me ?  I don't even care about my looks going south, if only my brain felt right and the pain would subside and I could sleep soundly.  This feels tortuous to me.  One worry I have is that I don't know if all this is wd.  So many worries and yet are they all chemically caused?  I worry that as winter comes on with cold season that I can't even handle a cold.  I'm already so miserable.

 

Enough of that.

 

I do need support of any kind.  This is probably a bad wave.  I've never had  a wave last this long.  I'm tired of the dark thoughts and needing a break.

 

Nova, how are you doing?

 

Love to you all,

Lisa

[[mr...]]

Lisa, I'm glad you posted. I'm here with you. I was also on a low starting dose (0.25mg alprazolam, which is also 5mg valium equivalent). I titrated slowly these past 21 months, and am pretty much on fumes. Just don't understand this level of suffering either. No logic to it. Doesn't change the truth: the only way out is through. Through we go.

 

Jenny, I understand that feeling you describe. Your faith us still there, rest assured. All will be restored. Soon.

 

I don't understand why -- I don't know when it will get better -- but the consensus is, IT WILL. So, we trudge on. Live life despite. Do what we have to. And someday, it will change. For the better. It HAS to. And IT WILL. (Do you hear that, brain? YES, it WILL)

 

Take care gang. Our healing is manifesting, everyday in every way. Yes it is

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Lisa ... just finished reading today's posts ... so much ... and I had a really lousy afternoon ... letting up some now ... hard to stay connected ... just plain hard to even think and respond ... had energy last night for a while ... today mostly flat and tight ...

 

Some of us are just in the thick of it right now ... and all we can do is get through it ... I am much better than months ago ... when I can pay attention the hard stuff seems to wax and wane every four or six hours ... when I am feeling down I feel tired and impatient and fed up ... when I am up I feel energy and lightness ...

 

And another day is closing here ... and all I feel I have "accomplished" today is survival ... and some days that is enough ...

 

Hope your wave runs out of steam soon Lisa ... they always do ...

 

Take Care Folks ...

[[Co...]]

Mrs....you are right in the thick of it...I could have written your post myself in months 6-7.5.....It is so so tough and the intrusive thoughts and fears are intense making distraction almost impossible. If you can survive the next few weeks ( although like you say, it could turn around tomorrow). you will get all the way. It helps a lot to go outside even if you don't feel like it. It gives your brain something to focus on that is not thought oriented. It wont make the s/x go away but it will give you some temporary relief. I did simple housework things over and over...folding the laundry ..handwashing the dishes.. making the bed...anything repetitive and rhythmic. It really stinks,  but when its this bad sometimes telling yourself to go one more hour and one more hour will get you through a whole day. I know your misery and it sounds exactly like every single buddy ' s w/d. All these people could not all have the exact same s/x and have it NOT be benzo w/d ( Life taught me that self reassuring self talk rationalization statement and it got me through some panicky doom filled hours). .....Mrs...I really feel for you....this will let up ...it really will...you just have to get through it....coop

[[mr...]]

Lisa, I forgot to mention...

 

I have also been watching Sex and the City as a distraction. I've just finished season five, and am getting ready to start season six part one. I've never seen it before, but have seen the movies, so its kinda fun to see how things all came together Have you seen them before, or is this your first time too?

 

Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[Fr...]]

Nova, I'm sorry you're having such a rough day too.  It sounds like it's breaking up a bit for you, which is really positive and good.  I'm there with you regarding the surviving each day method.  You sound in a better place than me.  I need to worry less and simply be with what it is.  I fight it because I am so upset with it.  Maybe it's a form of shock that I'm going through.

 

Did you develop tolerance to the k and that's why you quit, or were you fine on it?  I think I was sick 2 years prior due to tolerance; that's why I weaned myself off - but one doc diagnosed me with lyme.  I hope for all our sakes things improve here soon and continue to do so from here on.  I feel I am worse off than a month ago.

 

Mrs., thanks for the kind words.  I'm sorry you're going through this too.  It's fun watching the Sex and the City series and movies.  I've seen them all at least twice because it's light, fun and lifts me up a bit.  We sure need that right now.

 

Lisa

[[mr...]]

Thanks Coop Its just tough to live this way, which you know -- you've been there too. I am just so glad to read and see you feeling better and doing more again! You deserve that, that's for sure.

 

My husband has been so supportive through all this. I can tell he's tired of it as well. He's just kinda at a loss as to how to help me, outside of prayers and listening and snuggles. What a guy. I'm so grateful to have him.

 

I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. One day at a time. That's all we can do, you know? We have enough grace for today. We really do. Yes, we do. Thank you, Lord.

 

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Nova-- I'm so sorry you had a rough day. I love your attitude, wish I could look at things with your wisdom. Hang in there!

Lisa-- I feel I'm worse now than a few months ago too, but one thing I'm noticing is that the sx  I had 2 months ago are much better and now I have new sx . I think its just our bodies doing some intense healing and we just have to go with it. They say after a bad wave is when your baseline goes up. Your all in my thoughts today. ((Hugs)) jenny

[[...]]

Oh Mrs., I sure pray for quick improvement for you!

 

 

:smitten: :smitten:

[[...]]

Isn't amazing? We can't even say, "If I just make it through this symptom..." Cause one goes and another one comes!!

 

Healing, healing, healing!!

 

Feel like I should be saying, "ohm, ohm, ohm!"

 

 

:smitten: :smitten:

[[No...]]

Lisa ... I was in tolerance two months after I started K and spent all of 20 years there and did realize it until the last year ... took me almost a year to get things together enough to start a taper ... no support ... just Ashton and some books ...

 

Some days my attitude is better than others ... not fighting much anymore ... just too plain useless ... and sometimes fighting it helps a little for a while ... but most often fighting it is probably just another side effect to be endured ... some days my "acceptance" bucket gets so full I have to empty it and start over ...

 

[[mr...]]

Thanks Jenny, Nova, Lisa, GMIT, Coop, and everyone else...

 

I connect with you all so much, and I am just so grateful to have you all here walking with me. Or some moments, crawling & crying...

 

Man, what a journey. Things are starting to ease a bit now. Here's to a window opening up this evening

 

Mr will be home in a bit, and then we'll be heading to supper together Should be a good time

 

Sending love to you all; here's to another day of healing under our belts

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[mi...]]

Hi everyone...I have read this thread for beginning to end, and what a wonderful and brave little family you have become!!

 

I just wrote a somewhat winded story and at the very end I pushed something and it was GONE...oh well it is less frustrating than the benzo fight, get all happy in a window and poof it is gone.

 

My story is about the same as all of you except for my time off. I c/t in detox on feb 2nd. then five wks into acute, due to 3 trips to the er doc reinstated me on ativan 1 mg for 1 mo. ( not stabilized) 2mg for 1 mo. (still not stabilized) started 3 mo. taper. Last dose july 24th. My dr. knows nothing about benzos. He told me a month ago that all these s/x could just be the new me!! Thank god I have bb and know better.

 

After acute, about 6 wks. things improved some. I still have these s/x,

 

my worst, head pressure w/ strange sensations

ringing in ears , awful

benzo belly, has eased some

sweating, mostly at night

anxiety in body, unzip and run type

a few more that come and go

 

Have never had a full window, am so thankful for all of youflew there again in may that have. Have had about 10 days since acute that have been almost a window. Turned a corner about a month ago where I was grounded to earth again that was wonderful!!

 

Like all of you I try to enjoy any life event that I can, we have all missed alot. Everyone here is so brave and so giving of kind words and encouragement Bless you all!!!

 

I have forced myself to do things that I just refused to believe I was to sick to do. I was blessed with a new grandson last July. I flew from seattle to denver in dec. no meds wow! Then I went again in may, this time I went to help. Ended up in the er with h/palps and b/p elevated, so be it, I survived and was able to be of some help to the first time mom and dad.

 

We went to wyoming for 2 wks last month. I was not going to go ( I was concerned for hubby, wanted him to have a break). Ended up going and grabbed all of the fun time I could manage. Some faking, some okay, but I was there with my hubby and that was enough. If someone told us we would not be here tomorrow ( not benzo related lol ) I would do my dam.....t not to be in bed. I know about being in bed though and nothing I can do at that moment, aside from a fire could move me. I am just saying we all are winning when we can and that is enough....Take care fellow bbs, keep posting you are all helping the silent readers more than you know.

 

Hugs and Healing wishes to all! 

 

[[mi...]]

I just reread my post a little to late, lots of errors. I know I am excused, my brain is squeezing and my ears are ringing. Yay, at least I wrote, brain is still working!! (some) 

[[Mo...]]

Reading everybody's post.  I want to thank you all for checking in.  My day has really leveled out.  My only symptoms are slight nausea and a sense of foreboding every time I go into the back bedroom. All the talking while I'm cleaning helps me move thru my day.  I do a little work and then check the thread.  Coop and Jenny put the icing on the cake saying they would come to my 'faux' escape for all of us.  A lovely thought to float thru my day. 

 

So far:

Pot Roast smelling yummy

Front bathroom cleaned, mopped, smelling lovely

Kitchen cleaned including floor.  It's a beast.

Just need to change sheets in the bedroom and get dressed for the day..even..though..it's.. ALMOST 4PM!  haha. 

 

My goal is to do some web work later.  How is the project coming?..  I am behind, but trying to save face.  I need to put head phones on shorten the sermons of the pastor so I can post them on his site.  I also tried to make a podcast for him, but it's not as easy as you'd think. 

 

I am sorry this path is so rough.  We all have varying dosages and length of time on the meds, but the same outcome.. I like how Nova put it.  Some days surviving is the accomplishment. 

 

Nova - Did you get any sleep?  Maybe you are napping now. 

 

Hi Minnie! - Losing a post happens to me a lot so now I copy and then hit post so if it's gone I can paste.  Yes, you have the right attitude.  If I die, then I will die living!!  Of course sometimes it's couch time.  Thank you for coming on and posting.  How terrible to wind up in the ER, but so worth it to see the new baby.  I see you are still in the taper phase.  Please visit whenever you need.  As you have read, we welcome everyone.  It's good to know what's ahead and I like to add not everyone has a rough time after taper.  My father inlaw only had symptoms for 3 months after tapering from 2 years of 2mg daily on xanax.  It's so personal. 

 

I need to go pick up the bedroom and then I can curl up in that fetal position with my blanket.... eh, forget it..

MommyR

[[Co...]]

Lisa...yes I miss my former self...and my former thick hair...This process is so full of grief and pain. I try to believe that who I am and how I feel in a window is exactly where I will end up when this is done...at myself again.

......Lisa....If you can make it to month 8 I think you will start to see better improvement on a little more consistent basis....and better hair...in the mean time come here and vent all you want. .....coop

[[mi...]]

Hi MommyR as Coop says you are an amazing girl....you have done alot today, YAY for you! I think you have a great idea to post your accomplishments for the day.

 

I actually took my last dose july 24th, so glad to be off!! Your father-in law was a lucky man!

 

You have a great attitude and even with some setbacks you are doing so well. I have enjoyed reading your posts they gave me lots of hope. Sending thoughts of wellness your way,

 

Rhonda

 

 

[[je...]]

Hi Minnie! Welcome