6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Life..." practicing being in the moment for 10 hours "...that just made me giggle...I just pictured this guy coming away from 4 days of house guests and sn argument with his wife getting on the freeway and with great determination 'being in the moment' for 10 hours of driving...Four days of house guests and an arguement with a spouse would cause a non w/ding ' normal ' person to plug in the " The Power of Now " and deep breathe for10 hours. You are kicking butt on the stress...good luck on the board meeting...you are going to be great. .

....My friend 's husband had kidney stone surgery last month at month 6 off of depakoate. He had a non benzo pre-op and ( phenegan maybe). and a newer anesthesia ...he did great. I do think he was on opiate pain meds for a week but had no problem dropping them when he felt better... I will be thinking of you on Friday Life...,how brave you are....coop

[[Fr...]]

Jenny - I'm so happy for you!  May that window remain open for you forever.

 

HH - so happy to hear your good news too.

 

Coop - I'm just ok, had one decent day then half an ok day then sick again

 

I check out this thread and read of each of you and wish you all well.  I feel quiet lately and so weary.  I hope things get better for an extended time real soon.

 

I'm doing the book Unlearn Your Pain and practicing positive affirmations as best I can.

 

My good friend here is a bad wave.  Could those of you who pray, pray hard for her.  Thanks,

 

Lisa 

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

I want to comment on everyone's post, but my memory is so bad.. Here it goes...

HH-- iam so happy to hear you doing so well, I love your attitude. My family is also a fan of banana bread and you've inspired me to go and make some- maybe tomorrow

Peace-- where have you heard we look 10 years younger?? Oh I hope this is true, it could be our prize for enduring this hell.

Coop- your grandsons comment just made me roll over laughing, so thank you

Mommy- my hair got super dry, frizzy, and thin too- no grey though. Anyhow a few months back it started coming in extra thick and healthy. I did notice after this last wave that its falling out more in my brush again. I think once were healed it will be all better.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words, I really do love all of you. Wish we could meet one day and I could give you all a big hug. Your the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful and caring group of people I have ever "met".  Jenny 

 

[[Pe...]]

....Where do I get in line for the 10 years younger?  ❤️

[[pe...]]

I think the ten years younger has to do with the rapid aging that occurs with this process. So, right now it appears I'm in my 40's even though I'm really in my thirties. Once I'm on the other side, I'll regain my natural appearance. 10 years younger. I tink that makes sense. Now, if I lose ten years from my actual age- I really will be able to win a Shirley Tenple contest with these curls.

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

I am curious --

 

Have any of you experienced the development of "phobias" during withdrawal?

 

My "fears" during this past couple months have constantly morphed and changed so much, on a daily basis sometimes (so annoying!). Terror/dark forebodings/towering fears about certain things cycle in and out. When in, they feel "impossible" and like "there's no way" -- I fight my brain on this, pissed off that I KNOW it is not true, and we go round with it.

 

Has anyone else experienced something like this, and has had victory over it? SUCH an annoying symptom!!! I won't stop till I conquer this one, it will NOT rob my life. Period.

 

Thanks for hearing me out on this gang Grateful for you all

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Pe...]]

I had this really bad Mrsalw!  Intrusive thoughts from hell.  I had a bad taper in pretty much full WD and believe me, I had some VERY DARK thoughts and fears that would come out of nowhere.  They will resolve.  Mine stopped once I jumped, it took a couple of weeks after the jump before all resolved but it finally ended.  There is hope!  Hang on and it will eventually be a fading memory. ❤️

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... I sleep for 5 hours and all these posts ... so good to find you all here ... unicorns and children and grandkids ... and the ups and downs ... and all the stuff we have learned along the way ... and learn fresh each day ...

 

And yes, the unconditional love and support ...

 

This is my island of hope in this sometimes stormy process ...

 

And holding each of you in my thoughts and in my heart ...

 

 

 

[[pe...]]

Love you, Nova. Forever and ever. 

 

Mrs.- I have been scared of everything during this ride! Scared of my thoughts, scared of strangers on the street, scared of certain colors. Seriously.

 

Life, Jenny, Coop- I'm calling out to you because I know depression has come up for each of you, and also that it's left for spells. I'm in this state of calm. I don't sense other symptoms, only sadness and low energy and lack of motivation. Is this really going to fizzle away on its own? Poof?  It's hard for me to believe this part just dissipates with time.

 

I'm getting my own room. My therapist recommended it as living with three messy rambunctious  dudes is a bit harsh on my gentle soul. We're going to change our old nursery into a space for me. Today we pick out the paint.

 

Hope your days are full of possibility-

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Today has been a good day.  I woke up with a sick and nervous stomach and could feel myself wanting to just stay in my bed and hide, but I decided the answer was NO.  I decided that I was going to celebrate life, to embrace all the blessings that I have, to focus on the good and ignore the yuck.  I spent the morning with my sister and her kids before they left to go home to WI, and I cried saying goodbye but rejoiced that we spent 2 weeks together.  I tutored a student after a last-minute request from his mom.  I made a menu for the week, along with a grocery list, and went shopping.  I have 2 loaves of banana bread in the oven for my husband who loves it (I can't remember the last time I made any for him).  We are going to have dinner as a family tonight. 

 

I am realizing that I can truly FEEL!  Love, joy, sadness (not despair), excitement, nervousness (not horrible anxiety), anticipation.  What a blessing!  I don't have to fake it anymore.  I am recognizing that my husband and daughters are trusting that I am back.  This makes my mommy heart sing!  This past month, my 13th benzo free, has shown some of the deepest healing that I have had yet, not just to me but to my family.

 

I continue to lift you all in prayer.  You are not much behind me and there is wonderful healing just ahead. 

 

HH, I am soooo happy for you.  This is what it's all for.  Have you written a success story yet?

[[Gr...]]

MommyR- I do kind of believe in unicorns. I'm curious by nature. I think that's part of why I'm still clomping along. I want to see what's out there and what's going to happen next. Thanks for doing the research.

 

I'm sorry about your hair. Lookin goofy does not make this any easier. I cut off all my hair during taper and it grew back in corkscrew curls. I always had a wave but now I look like Shirley Temple with lines and bags and more gray strands than I can count. I hear people often look and feel ten years younger once healed. Lets hold out for that, my dear.

 

I'm sorry you had fear at the office. I'm glad it mellowed and you are now home safe and sound. How's the project going?

 

Peace2

 

Peace, thank you for my first laugh-out-loud moment in a long time.  Yes, the hair.  Mommy mentioned it, too.  Mine's so dry I'm thinking of going to henna for color, only I'm terrified I will have orange Bozo the clown hair.  So the anxiety simmers as the grey roots grow longer and longer.  We need a separate thread for hair recovery.

[[Gr...]]

Hi buddies....wow...people are sounding good tonight...and strong..." oh yes I can Benzo...eat **** "...lol...that's the spirit Mrs. ....Green,  you captured it in a nutshell " I let go a hundred times a day "..that says it all. I am so very happy to see you back on.You got me through such a dark month a few months back. Nova...I have a patio garden too...some herbs and geraniums and tomatoes....hope it is just ear pressure and not the whole head pressure...You are such an example of it is what it is until it isn't. I am still wobbly with acceptance but like Green..learning 100 times a day.I follow you like a laser Nova.

....JENNY!!....happy happy window...you so have it coming...so glad for you.

...Peace...I am with your therapist...I don't know about unicorns but I do know ( which I did not until month 8.5) at least 90% of the time that I am healing. It still doesn't take much to give me moments of doubt but I am getting down to 50 times a day of.  letting go. I think it is ok to be passionate and driven and.                     

convicted. and unwavering in the things we. care about. The.  ....  trick.  for me had been to narrow it down to one or two priorities...my family and when I was working my teaching. I hope to recover fully and work on universal best practice advocacy...but I am not there yet and think I probably wont be until well into year 2. ...You really are making progress Peace. It is just so painful and frustrating to feel like we are constantly putting our lives on hold. I sometimes feel that I am forever waiting for the ' rinse cycle '

....Gmit...you sound like you are holding on..." holding on " and " letting go "....talk about the Ying and Yang of things..lol

.....Lisa...thinking of you...hope all is well.

.....HH...that is such a sign of healing ..to move forward when we don't feel like it...and feeling the shift from desperate to worried or nervous as opposed to white knuckle anxiety...There is so much good on the posts tonight.

....I went to the bookstore yesterday with a friend and had such a good time...some moments of little panic feelings,  like Nova describes..just nibbles but 2 months ago it would have morphed into an anxiety bordering panic and I would have been have been pushed in to d/r. I was tired the rest of the evening. Amazing how vulnerable we remain to stimulation even mild excitement for me can cause anxiety. Today my daughter came for lunch and it was wonderful,  but my head pressure reappeared with a headache so I have probably pushed it a little. So tonight I am back to an epsome salt hot bath soak and The Big Bang Theory and deep breathing my health fears into submission....trying to ' let it be '....still...it is so so much better than month 6/7...I think I can see this through if I never have to go back to month 6/7....

.......goodnight dear friends...wishing you all a peaceful night and a better tomorrow...here 's to unicorns and Mrs Doubtfire...one of my favorite movies as my son calls me " Sally Fields "...better than how my daughter sees me.." Diane Keaton "...well I am old as both of them....I want to be Meryl Streep ...who do you want to be...besides yourself benzo free?.....coop

 

Coop, you sound absolutely amazing.  I've been gone long enough to see the progress.  Yes, the symptoms are manageable, and we have to take it easy, listen to our bodies.  You were there for me, too, in the dog days of withdrawal.  What in the world would we have done without the forum, without support?  I cannot imagine. 

[[Mo...]]

Good morning..

 

So good to read everything.  I am laughing at Coop's grandson's remark.  Glad I'm not the only one who's appearance was affected.  My husband is 11 years younger then me sooooooo it ain't cool to look old.  I will hold out for Peace's version.

 

Life-  My goodness, you really are living life.  Head first.  I am going to look into the power of now. 

 

Mrs- Yup, phobia central.  I still have one that rises and falls depending on what is going on.

 

Jenny - Yeah the memory thing.  I know that so well.  Thank you for the kind word

 

Kids.. I need some rally points today.  Here is where I am.  I feel fooled.  I asked my husband to gage where I am overall compared to before benzo.  He said 75-80% back to where I was before the drugs.  Wave vs Window he said I seem close to 100% during a window, but can only accomplish what I need to during a wave.  We are viewing my current situation as a wave going on 3 weeks now with the lack of sleep, bad dreams, sweating, and morning yuck and spiking sensations, zombie modes, etc.

 

Help me gage.  I no longer go to my detox Dr because although he's supportive he pushes drugs.  Am I doing good?  Today I woke at 4am.  That gave me 4hrs sleep.  I did fall back to sleep at 6:30 but it was not restorative and full of dreams that evoked a terrible longing sensation in me.  Even though this stuff burns off I am left with these low lying sensations and no clear breaks just med-high functionality. 

 

In Coop fashion here is the conversation in my head:

You now have insomnia and it will never go away.

My recovery has only been successful because I don't really do anything to cause stress.  I basically do 'some' laundry and 'some' dishes

I am not doing as great as I think I am

This low lying stuff is going to stay.  It's the new me. The process has shaken it's self down to this middle ground of not horrible but not awesome.

The reason stuff burns off in the morning is because of my coffee and if I don't drink it my day won't be as successful. 

I am fooling myself saying this is low lying.  Like I am tricking myself in how I am looking at this thinking i am better then I am??

 

As you can see these questions aren't like the 'I'm gonna die' stuff but it's the doubt.  I read things on here and I know I am ahead on a lot of issues, but it's this residual, spiking, low lying waviness.  Things that you can talk to the average person about and they would label it stress or anxiety, etc., but you've just come thru the benzo process and are familiar with the benzo signature.  Surely things will continue to progress. 

 

I am scared which is so benzo, but it's like a cloud is on me.  It feels like I have been here a long time.  Not enough to send me backwards, but no forward movement.  Do you understand?  I don't want you to lie to me, but be gentle with your words.  Feeling fragile.  I did not go into the office because I am sooooo tired, but my husband is looking at me like why and I feel like a failure because it's not part of normal functioning. 

 

Thanks,

MommyR

 

[[Gr...]]

Mommy...yes...my hair came out in month 3...in month 6 it started to grow in again..white with baby fine ends..curly on one side...stick straight on the other side...a new part right across my forehead leaving a noticeable gap between my hairline and what used to be bangs...unbelievable...like Peace I had it cut short short because there just was not another option. Even with mascara and a little make-up my four year old grandson asked me,  " Nonni are you going to be a man for summer? "....had us all rolling on the ground....hope it comes back before I want to go back to volunteer in the classrooms.......coop

 

Has anyone seen American Hustle?  Christian Bale arranging his rug on his head in the opening scene.  Okay, now we're looking in my bathroom mirror, and that's how I arrange my HAAAIR in the morning.  I don't know why I'm laughing.  This is NOT funny.  I may need a wig, and very soon.

[[Co...]]

Mrs. I had a miserable couple of months ( month 6/7) of intrusive morbid dark thoughts that came with d/r and depression. It was one of the worst phases of my p/w. ...It does get better. I still have random brief episodes of it but not nearly like months 6/7....it is absolute hell....and then it eased.

....Like Peace ...everything scared me including my own thoughts..even non scary thoughts Sometimes a random neutral word like ' clock ' or ' rocking chair ' ...absolutely nice fine words would bring a spike of anxiety...no rhyme or reason....and then it got better. .and then it got better...and then it got better. ..

.......it is hard Mrs but try to survive this the best you can.  I personally found it was hard to distract from ..I watched mindless Tv sitcoms ..one hour at a time is how I got through it.

......So sorry you are going through this...we are supporting you.

...Thinking of you today Mrs.and wishing you some sunbreaks...coop

[[Gr...]]

Good morning..

 

So good to read everything.  I am laughing at Coop's grandson's remark.  Glad I'm not the only one who's appearance was affected.  My husband is 11 years younger then me sooooooo it ain't cool to look old.  I will hold out for Peace's version.

 

Life-  My goodness, you really are living life.  Head first.  I am going to look into the power of now. 

 

Mrs- Yup, phobia central.  I still have one that rises and falls depending on what is going on.

 

Jenny - Yeah the memory thing.  I know that so well.  Thank you for the kind word

 

Kids.. I need some rally points today.  Here is where I am.  I feel fooled.  I asked my husband to gage where I am overall compared to before benzo.  He said 75-80% back to where I was before the drugs.  Wave vs Window he said I seem close to 100% during a window, but can only accomplish what I need to during a wave.  We are viewing my current situation as a wave going on 3 weeks now with the lack of sleep, bad dreams, sweating, and morning yuck and spiking sensations, zombie modes, etc.

 

Help me gage.  I no longer go to my detox Dr because although he's supportive he pushes drugs.  Am I doing good?  Today I woke at 4am.  That gave me 4hrs sleep.  I did fall back to sleep at 6:30 but it was not restorative and full of dreams that evoked a terrible longing sensation in me.  Even though this stuff burns off I am left with these low lying sensations and no clear breaks just med-high functionality. 

 

In Coop fashion here is the conversation in my head:

You now have insomnia and it will never go away.

My recovery has only been successful because I don't really do anything to cause stress.  I basically do 'some' laundry and 'some' dishes

I am not doing as great as I think I am

This low lying stuff is going to stay.  It's the new me. The process has shaken it's self down to this middle ground of not horrible but not awesome.

The reason stuff burns off in the morning is because of my coffee and if I don't drink it my day won't be as successful. 

I am fooling myself saying this is low lying.  Like I am tricking myself in how I am looking at this thinking i am better then I am??

 

As you can see these questions aren't like the 'I'm gonna die' stuff but it's the doubt.  I read things on here and I know I am ahead on a lot of issues, but it's this residual, spiking, low lying waviness.  Things that you can talk to the average person about and they would label it stress or anxiety, etc., but you've just come thru the benzo process and are familiar with the benzo signature.  Surely things will continue to progress. 

 

I am scared which is so benzo, but it's like a cloud is on me.  It feels like I have been here a long time.  Not enough to send me backwards, but no forward movement.  Do you understand?  I don't want you to lie to me, but be gentle with your words.  Feeling fragile.  I did not go into the office because I am sooooo tired, but my husband is looking at me like why and I feel like a failure because it's not part of normal functioning. 

 

Thanks,

MommyR

 

Mommy, I ask myself that question all the time, how am I doing?  Just the fact we need to ask lets us know we're not ourselves.  And then I want to know, am I really not ok?  Could I try harder and be better?  No.  Healing takes time and patience, and the best thing we can do is just live as well as we possibly can one day at a time.

 

When I first came on the site, a wonderful man told me to just be as kind as I could to every human being around me, including myself.  When I'm able to do that, it's a pretty good day

 

[[Mo...]]

'Just the fact we need to ask lets us know we're not ourselves. '

 

GreenIce.. that's what I needed.  The fact that I even ask the question!  Thank you so much.  You got thru the mud.  Ok, so I am going to do this.  Be kind to everyone, my kids, husband and me. 

 

I feel like such a hypocrite because things go really good, I think, and then mud mud mud... and I can't put things into perspective.  It alludes me.  AAAAAAAaaaargh.

 

Feeling like a 3 year old with my blanket and teddy bear.  Just want to suck my thumb and watch Nick Jr.. oh wait.. I am watching Nick Jr.

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

GreenIce - I just went into my husband and told him what you said.  Then I told him what Coop's grandson said and we laughed. 

 

PS.. I am the baby in my family.  The youngest sibling and was treated as such until I had my kids which is fine, but I think you guys get the gist I like attention.  Forgive me for the neediness.

[[Gr...]]

'Just the fact we need to ask lets us know we're not ourselves. '

 

GreenIce.. that's what I needed.  The fact that I even ask the question!  Thank you so much.  You got thru the mud.  Ok, so I am going to do this.  Be kind to everyone, my kids, husband and me. 

 

I feel like such a hypocrite because things go really good, I think, and then mud mud mud... and I can't put things into perspective.  It alludes me.  AAAAAAAaaaargh.

 

Feeling like a 3 year old with my blanket and teddy bear.  Just want to suck my thumb and watch Nick Jr.. oh wait.. I am watching Nick Jr.

 

MommyR

 

Be kind when you can, lol.  When that guy told me that, I was spitting mad, had anger, resentment, rage.  Weird stuff.  And that teddy and blankie and a nice fetal position on a bad day is a nice place to go.

 

Give yourself love, time and patience.  Throw the timeline in the garbage.  Be well.

[[Gr...]]

GreenIce - I just went into my husband and told him what you said.  Then I told him what Coop's grandson said and we laughed. 

 

PS.. I am the baby in my family.  The youngest sibling and was treated as such until I had my kids which is fine, but I think you guys get the gist I like attention.  Forgive me for the neediness.

 

Funny, I'm the oldest, and I have a sister who is the youngest, 12 years younger, and we have some battles over who got what.

[[je...]]

Mommy--I ask myself the same questions on a daily basis. Its so hard to gauge how we are doing because its soooo incredibly slow. I know Iam better in a lot of ways, but now I have new sx so its like I traded one for the other.... Btw Im 8 years older than my hubby too, so we need to keep our youth right!? ((HUGS)) mommy, we will get through this together. Jenny

[[je...]]

Love you, Nova. Forever and ever. 

 

Mrs.- I have been scared of everything during this ride! Scared of my thoughts, scared of strangers on the street, scared of certain colors. Seriously.

 

Life, Jenny, Coop- I'm calling out to you because I know depression has come up for each of you, and also that it's left for spells. I'm in this state of calm. I don't sense other symptoms, only sadness and low energy and lack of motivation. Is this really going to fizzle away on its own? Poof?  It's hard for me to believe this part just dissipates with time.

 

I'm getting my own room. My therapist recommended it as living with three messy rambunctious  dudes is a bit harsh on my gentle soul. We're going to change our old nursery into a space for me. Today we pick out the paint.

 

Hope your days are full of possibility-

 

Peace2

 

 

Peace,

 

Im the only girl in my house too, and boys are wild--at least mine are. I think the room is a great idea, a place for you to find your calm and have a place of your own. I know its hard for you to believe or accept because it has not happened to you yet, but yes you will wake up one day and the depression will be gone. If it did not happen to me I would not believe it either. Nothing about this w/d makes any sense. Now mine has come back in the last few weeks, but yesterday and today it was gone, it might be back tomorrow. We are still healing and until we are done healing it will probably come and go, I just got lucky with a big break from it, but the fact that it comes and goes proves to me that eventually it will be gone for good. Now when I m in the thick of it, I would probably argue with myself and say its never going away, but it will. I cant give you the time it will go away and I wish I could, but I know it will leave for you--it really will. Thinking of you, always--Jenny

[[Mo...]]

GIGGLING!!!  You guys make my day.  Thank you for not judging me and for spelling gauge properly.  It's 'gauge' not 'gage'.. hahaha.  That darn spell check.

 

GreenIce - Ooooooo Lordy.. I bet you did.  My mom is the oldest daughter so I watch the dynamic with her sisters.  My sis has low tolerance for my neediness, but I love her just the same.  Thank you for keeping it real.  I did make a list of stuff to do today.  I need the sense of accomplishment so I can rest in the fetal position.  If I was non functional it would be fine, but because I the ability to do stuff, I need to do it.. Time line in garbage.. thank you for giving me permission.  Sometimes I need it.  Who was this wise man?  Spitting mad and and angry.. oh man, I can see it.  Isn't it amazing what a word can do?

 

Jenny -  Gurl.. word on the keeping it young.  Thank you for the hugs.. need them for sure.

 

I made a list of things to do.  Start dinner in crock pot, clean kitchen, make beds..  My son is asking me for things to do so he can play the iPad.  Let's see what we can accomplish.

 

I sooooooooo need you guys today.  Thank you so much.  My husband grinned and asked if we can stop talking about 'it'.. I said, 'Benzo Buddies baby'... so grateful

 

Life-  Thinking about you.  I know you have a lot on your plate but I am excited to see you in the heat of it and making it.  .

 

HH- Please keep sharing. 

 

Peace - I am just seeing Jenny's repost.  Yes, all boys over here too.  What a wonderful idea for you.  Do you know what color?  Light blue was always peaceful to me.. almost a tiffany blue.. I am going to do my dishes and for every dish a prayer for you and the others.  Yes, your gentle soul.  Hugs dear Peace.  Prayer works and God is there.  Don't worry about the unicorn.   

 

On to the dishes..

[[Co...]]

Mommy...you and I have both landed on the ladder slide DOWN in this Candy Land game of benzo w/d....Trying to ride the wave today. Just like you I am much better than month 6 ...but wavy wavy today. ...Head pressure ..elevated b/p...health fear and woke up with chemical anxiety...some depression...mild come and go intrusive thoughts and mild d/r...pretty much the full cast today....but in ' pastels ' as opposed to screaming ' neon '. Hoping my pattern holds and things lift this afternoon.Yes I have the benzo conversation going on in my head too..." something is wrong wrong wrong "...."head pressurre is not not not normal ".. " you are in denial....something is wrong "...." something is wrong ".......well you get it. However I have to say that I have not had a wave this bad for a month...the last time I had to use my atenolol was July 9 ...( today my anxiety drove my b/p to 160/ 80....which increased my anxiety ...and there I was in that anxiety spiral). Another epsome salts lavender hot bath soak...deep breathing...taking the dog out...watching a mindless morning talk show....knowing that this will pass and focusing on ' getting through '....

......Mommy...doing the laundry and some housework is a big improvement for me compared to last summer. No,  this is so not where I want to be. I think a lot of the ' finishing touches.       

  of healing happen in the second year. ...The ' life back to .normal ' on 95% of days. ... ...85% in a window and slightly less as a baseline with plunges into despair in a wave seems like the path. I keep reading that this is so gradual ( why why why) that we hardly notice the waves getting further apart and the window s becoming more frequent and the baseline slowly improving consistently. .....Today I am right there with you and Peace ...feeling the fall into a wave. This is what I know now about my waves...they rarely last more than 24 hours....it is just a loooong 24 hours and the Benzo Beast is doing all it can to convince me tomorrow is not going to be better....trying not to listen . I am going to my pt appointment as though its going to be ok. Faking it until I make it.....I am sure I will be back on tonight ...see you all then....thinking of all of you today...sending love....coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop, Mommy and Peace,

 

I'm sorry that you're not feeling as well today.  I'm sure it'll lift since you've been doing a lot better.

 

Coop - keep remembering that you're feeling better than a month or so ago.

 

I'm still in the trenches and wanting a clear window soon.

 

xo,

Lisa