6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

MommyR .... 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... doing "okay" after my "adventures" ... back to "go slow" ... back to my rhythm ... lesson learned ...

 

Have A Good Tuesday ...

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks, mommyR. I am looking for angels right about now. I do need to rally, found myself in a heap on the kitchen floor yelling at my husband for the umpteenth time to DO something about this. Yelling that 3 doctors agree medications made me ill but don't know how to fix it. And he said, "I just don't think it's that easy." And he walked away. I know he's right, I know it's why we all suffer because there is no bandaid for benzo withdrawal. This is what Coops post is all about. There is nothing we can do but good self care and time. I know this, I do. But I don't want to believe it. I am still fighting because I don't know what giving in looks like or if it would be good for me. I think it would look like me lying in bed, staring at the wall with tears streaming down my face. Would that be so bad? Would it be worse than floating around the house like a ghost, stomping around like an angry child? No. It would not be so bad.

The truth is, I don't even think I feel THAT bad today. But bad enough to be reminded that it's not over. Yet.

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Good morning all!

 

Mommy what a wonderful post!!

 

Hope all are finding relief today!

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I struggled and still struggle with the thought of "giving in" ... and I have found "acceptance" is not "giving in" ... for me it has helped to release some of my self-inflicted stress ... doesn't "fix" anything, I know ... "acceptance" does not mean "helplessness" ... for me it means not piling on something that does not have to be there ...

 

"Acceptance" feels like giving myself "permission" to be right where I am, right now ... no struggle, no argument ... it seems the more I "struggle" the lousier I feel in the moment ...

 

Take Care ...

[[...]]

Nova, I agree with you wholeheartedly!

 

I think my problem, as you and I have discussed, is that going to work may help my stress/anxiety as this is the major cause of the anxiety, but I just don't feel physically ready to go yet...maybe I'm just waiting to hear about my old job first. Unfortunately, leaving myself open to self inflicted stress, then talking to myself about this and going in circles...Grrr!

 

Love your posts so much!

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

GMIT ... ahhhhhhhhhhh ... the benzo-circle-dance ... and the tinnitus is such lousy background music ... 

[[...]]

Wait! You hear how loud my tinnitus is today? How'd you do that?!?!? 

 

 

[[mr...]]

GMIT ... ahhhhhhhhhhh ... the benzo-circle-dance ... and the tinnitus is such lousy background music ... 

 

Lol, I often think of the Benzo Theme Song being the music they played in the Wizard of Oz for the wicked witch of the West!

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

GMIT ... ESP ... extra-sensory pickles ... eat them every day for lunch ... and you to can hear tinnitus everywhere ... 

[[...]]

Well, because I hear it so loudly...and this was why I was prescribed the wicked pill...I don't think I'll be purchasing, or consuming, those pickles! 

 

[[...]]

I agree Mrs.!!

 

[[Mo...]]

Peace, now you are talking.  Give me a good ol' temper tantrum.  That's what I like.  Scream, yell, cry!  Did it help?  Sometimes it does!!  It does for me anyways  ...

 

I used to do that with my counselor.  Beg, plead.. please please when is this going to end.  WHEN?????  And then it came.  It stopped.  I remember one of my last really big waves.  I had just been in hysterics in the counseling office.  Poor lady.  I am her first Benzo experience.  Anyways, as I was driving home my mind said..'R.. You had better learn your lesson thru this because one day it will end...  It will all go away.. and if you didn't learn how to get thru this you will be a disappointed and this will be a wasted experience.'.. WHOA!!  I have a lot of these conversations in my brain.  Remember, I need to slay some dragons on the way out of this.  To me it is God speaking, checking me on my progress..poking and prodding.  I back peddled quickly.. almost wanted another wave to bring me to my knees so I could prove I have learned to navigate in any situation.

 

 

Now, I try to make it first on my own and then I reach out.  I don't compare, like everyone is saying, but it wears and wears and wears.  Then I come here and see everyone.  Yes, I am still symptomatic.  You guys can read that here.  But I am miles and miles better.  Even feel guilty for complaining. 

 

I realize clinical replies are usually more helpful, but I like to lay out a story .... because I'm cool like that. 

 

Giving in, making peace with it, acceptance.. tough words for me too.. UNLESS I have a guarantee it will be over one day and then I can rest in it.  Then I can say, 'ok, bring it beast.  You are going to be dead one of these days and I will stand the victor and I'm going to bring as many people with me as I can'..  I feel we have this guarantee.  I really do.

 

Peace, Nova and everyone with a helpmate..tell them hi for us and that we are proud of them for hanging in there too.  I am soooo sorry and angry we have to do this.  I dream about going on Jon Stewart and talking about a forced benzo trial on the doctors who say this stuff can't hurt you.  They have to come in an allotment of ages, backgrounds, divorced, messed up, happy perfect lives.  Then we put them on this stuff for a year and taper them.  Let's see how they do.  Will they be believers then?  Maybe. 

 

Thank you for sharing Peace and Nova and everyone,

Makes me feel alive.. oops.. late for 'work'.. ah well, at least the kids are dressed and fed and ready to go.. Now for me!

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

Well, because I hear it so loudly...and this was why I was prescribed the wicked pill...I don't think I'll be purchasing, or consuming, those pickles! 

 

LOL!!!  Too funny you peeps..

[[Co...]]

Peace..and Mommy...my heart is with you both...I could cry for you. ....Peace.  you are exactly where I was at month 6..desperate...mad as hell...in a full blown melt down. It is hell. I am a bit of a control freak and somewhat of a perfectionists...I developed my own school because I could not not not let my standards flex ...even a little. I did not ' work well ' with other administrators...at all....kids and parents and other teachers ( of my choosing..lol).....yep....get in my way or mess with my vision of infant/toddler best practice...nobody was happy. So 'accepting ' that I could not influence my w/d ...was spit and p***  frustrating. Somewhere along the line after trying several ' short cuts '...( vitamins,  herbs, " supplements etc etc) without relief and often with worse s/x I just realized ( after reading a LOT of posts and success stories and books) I just had to, in Nova 's words,  " ride the wave "....;using that metaphor ....you will get to shore faster and easier and with out exhausting your self if you 'ride ' the wave instead of flailing and trying to swim against it......To me its like the Ghandi thing....resistance through non- resistance.  ...I don't think of it as giving in.  I think of it as not giving Benzo Beast the fight it wants...like dealing with toxic people...don't engage. I know this all sounds so lalala...it is really really hard. I just try to get through each day ...I try to ride the waves and jump up and down with joy and gratitude in the windows....it is so not easy but I don't know how else to survive. ......Peace and Mommy.....this will get better...if it can get better for me it can get better for all of us ...I am the least likely to crawl through this...a sliver in my finger is unbearable...that's thevkind of wimpybI am....but here I am....not healed but better and getting better yet.

......Do whatever helps you tolerate the s/x and know that you are one day closer and you are supported by BBs who care about you....coop

[[Mo...]]

Pep talk taken to heart.  Embracing the verbal hugs and encouragement.. Gathering briefcase and children.  Heading to car.. On ward and upward..

[[Gr...]]

Good morning 6-12 buddies...

....For everyone starting out on the upside...happy healing.

....For those starting the day wavy...we are supporting you and sending hopes and wishes for healing and peace.

 

....My venturing out to ' test the waters' went well. Mass was lovely..some nervousness but I was able to concentrate and connect..I have missed Mass for 18 months and it was very good to go and be there with others. Brunch with my bookclub was a little more shaky..a little lightheadedness...a little manageable panic...( backed it down with deep breathing)...I think the anxiety with my bookclub group was due to having to talk. I love to talk, but from the beginning of having s/x ( 8 weeks to being on ativan) all the way through talking has sometimes triggered anxiety. Even though I struggled a little during brunch it was so fun to see my friends.

...I think there is a lot of truth to the idea of 're-entry '...I have been isolated in my house ( and trapped in my head) tor months and months...going out now is somewhat of a learning process again and my mind is so very accustomed to scanning for s/x ..I am still hypervigilant when out of my safe space..my house.

...I am tired today and feeling like I am hanging on to my baseline by my fingernails,  but if my pattern holds I will feel better by afternoon.

 

....MOMMY...so glad you are feeling better...

.....NOVA.......happy happy to hear that your head pressure lifted abasing...I hope you have a wide open window day..m

......GMIT...You sound on the upside...hope it holds ....forever

......Peace...you are my courage for participating in life in the midst of anxiety and depression...you are so strong...wishing windows for you...

........Will check back in with all later this afternoon...the dog is begging to go out.

.....our worst days are behind us ..our best days are right in front of us.....coop

 

Coop,  SOOOO HAPPY for you!!  Out to mass after 18 months.  Major milestone.  And, yes, I have the "public speaking" anxiety thing.  I belong to a club and am rendered like the deer in the headlights when it's my turn to contribute.  I think sometimes it's better to say less and just be there.  I'm pretty good one-on-one now. 

glad to hear things are better.  You certainly have paid your dues.

[[...]]

Greenice, almost 9 months out!, how are you? What symptoms do you have?

 

[[Gr...]]

Nova, I agree with you wholeheartedly!

 

I think my problem, as you and I have discussed, is that going to work may help my stress/anxiety as this is the major cause of the anxiety, but I just don't feel physically ready to go yet...maybe I'm just waiting to hear about my old job first. Unfortunately, leaving myself open to self inflicted stress, then talking to myself about this and going in circles...Grrr!

 

Love your posts so much!

 

:smitten:

 

GMIT

 

I totally relate.  I really need to get back to work.  but I'm concerned after this last wave, that lasted a month.  How can I put myself in a position of having to cope in the work place when I'm still getting hit with mega tsunamis?

 

Thanks for sharing that.  the work thing is on my mind these days

[[...]]

Yes, and the stress of learning a new job, with new people! Am I ready? Pff! So uncertain!

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi,

many of you may not know me, I come and go and cannot write a lot.

 

I just wanted to say hello to you all.

 

I have this writing problem, I mix my letters as I type, it started  a couple of months ago. I tried to rebel to it, carrying on as usal but it became so frustrating it mad all of my symptoms worse so I gave up.

It is next to impossible to be on BB and not want to write and comment, and talk to other people so I gave up coming to the forum at all except to read up on a thing or two.

If I do my touch typing exercises I am fine, I don't think about letters and it works. But when writing normally I start to invert everything so it must be my benzo brain.

 

I miss the company, I hate having to do this alone.

 

I guess I will write when I can, when I have healed.

 

I would appreciate if somebody sent me good thoughts.

 

My newest symptom is the lump in the throat. I am skipping meals, I have notice it gets so much worse right after eating. After 3 sleepless nights due to the lump in the throat I tried skipping dinner and it has been working.

 

Other things are more or less the same, heart, vibrations et al !

 

See you soon and I wish you all well, sorry the post is a little melancholic. I hate the  offline isolation , having also to endure it online is a little bit much.

 

My only comfort is that after this I will be stronger and better. Hell of a way to get there , though !

[[Gr...]]

Yes, and the stress of learning a new job, with new people! Am I ready? Pff! So uncertain!

 

 

Exactly, it's going to be a new job for me too.  And a two hour commute into the city.  I'm taking my time on this one.  As my credit card debt mounts, lol.  also, I have lost a lot of self confidence.  I'm sure it will happen when I'm ready., though.  At this rate, past social security age, lol.

 

How am I at nine months?  Glad you asked, lol.  I was doing really well at around 7 months, thought I was "done."  Then I stopped sleeping, severe insomnia.  Then I had this God awful wave, that I didn't know it was a wave because it lasted so damned long, about a month, and the s/x were mainly pretty severe DP/DR, emotional numbness, cog fog, crying jags, emotional isolation -- I couldn't get out of my head.  I couldn't relate to people, couldn't talk to anyone, not even BB, no emails, texting.  It was rough.  I buried my head on ancestry.com, doing family research, obsessive, stayed on it maybe 10 hours a day, and then started crying when the cortisol rush came and I had to get off.

 

It just kind of broke in the last two days.  I feel really good, but shell shocked. 

 

Are you sorry you asked, lol? 

 

How are you?

[[Gr...]]

Hi,

many of you may not know me, I come and go and cannot write a lot.

 

I just wanted to say hello to you all.

 

I have this writing problem, I mix my letters as I type, it started  a couple of months ago. I tried to rebel to it, carrying on as usal but it became so frustrating it mad all of my symptoms worse so I gave up.

It is next to impossible to be on BB and not want to write and comment, and talk to other people so I gave up coming to the forum at all except to read up on a thing or two.

If I do my touch typing exercises I am fine, I don't think about letters and it works. But when writing normally I start to invert everything so it must be my benzo brain.

 

I miss the company, I hate having to do this alone.

 

I guess I will write when I can, when I have healed.

 

I would appreciate if somebody sent me good thoughts.

 

My newest symptom is the lump in the throat. I am skipping meals, I have notice it gets so much worse right after eating. After 3 sleepless nights due to the lump in the throat I tried skipping dinner and it has been working.

 

Other things are more or less the same, heart, vibrations et al !

 

See you soon and I wish you all well, sorry the post is a little melancholic. I hate the  offline isolation , having also to endure it online is a little bit much.

 

My only comfort is that after this I will be stronger and better. Hell of a way to get there , though !

 

Sky, I'm so happy to see you here.  No, we cannot do this alone, it's just too hard.  don't worry about how you type.  Hang in there.  I had a very bad month but feel pretty good these past two days, so there's hope.  I don't know about the lump in the throat.  I did have a very large lump on my skull, though, and I decided to ignore it and it's getting smaller.  I know most of these crazy bizarre s/x seem to pass.  be well.  hope to see you

[[Sk...]]

Hi GreenIce,

 

it's just that writing seems to get me very agitated. Plus, I can't read anything without paragraphs, it just knocks me off my feet.

 

Anyway, today is a really good day. I didn't believe it at first but now I am ready to acknowledge it. It would be nice if it stayed  this way !

 

Wish you welll everybody.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi GreenIce,

 

it's just that writing seems to get me very agitated. Plus, I can't read anything without paragraphs, it just knocks me off my feet.

 

Anyway, today is a really good day. I didn't believe it at first but now I am ready to acknowledge it. It would be nice if it stayed  this way !

 

Wish you welll everybody.

 

It's a good one for me, too.  Enjoy!