6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

Good night friends. 

I am doing better.  Coop- the candle worked.  Going to bed now.  Tomorrow I start working from the office.

 

Prayers of healing for you all,

MommyR

[[...]]

Healing, can't wait to feel better!!

 

Mommy, have a wonderful day, glad you're feeling better!!

 

[[Co...]]

Good morning 6-12 buddies...

....For everyone starting out on the upside...happy healing.

....For those starting the day wavy...we are supporting you and sending hopes and wishes for healing and peace.

 

....My venturing out to ' test the waters' went well. Mass was lovely..some nervousness but I was able to concentrate and connect..I have missed Mass for 18 months and it was very good to go and be there with others. Brunch with my bookclub was a little more shaky..a little lightheadedness...a little manageable panic...( backed it down with deep breathing)...I think the anxiety with my bookclub group was due to having to talk. I love to talk, but from the beginning of having s/x ( 8 weeks to being on ativan) all the way through talking has sometimes triggered anxiety. Even though I struggled a little during brunch it was so fun to see my friends.

...I think there is a lot of truth to the idea of 're-entry '...I have been isolated in my house ( and trapped in my head) tor months and months...going out now is somewhat of a learning process again and my mind is so very accustomed to scanning for s/x ..I am still hypervigilant when out of my safe space..my house.

...I am tired today and feeling like I am hanging on to my baseline by my fingernails,  but if my pattern holds I will feel better by afternoon.

 

....MOMMY...so glad you are feeling better...

.....NOVA.......happy happy to hear that your head pressure lifted abasing...I hope you have a wide open window day..m

......GMIT...You sound on the upside...hope it holds ....forever

......Peace...you are my courage for participating in life in the midst of anxiety and depression...you are so strong...wishing windows for you...

........Will check back in with all later this afternoon...the dog is begging to go out.

.....our worst days are behind us ..our best days are right in front of us.....coop

[[pe...]]

Coop- I'm so glad you ventured out into the world and felt some connection. Your difficulty talking reminds me of my difficulty reading. I was reading aloud to my class when the migraine of doom hit and now reading almost anything is very stressful for me. I'm going to target this trigger in therapy before going back to work in a few weeks.

I bet your book club friends were happy to see you! Do they know what's going on? Can they be supportive? I hope you'll be able to keep participating. It was one of the pieces of advice a friend gave me after getting through recovery. She said don't isolate and nap as much as possible. My boys make it very hard to isolate. They are not about sitting around this house.

 

I hope you're already starting to feel better.

 

I'm ok today. My dr is less. I wonder if this could be considered a kind of window? I don't know. I feel sad, like grieving and a little tense- but both of those feel like PTSD more than my typical withdrawal.  We shall see what the day brings.

 

Wishing peace to all,

Peace2

[[...]]

Coop and Peace, you both sound well!! Glad you are doing alright!

 

Peace, I struggle with the feeling "down."

 

Hope all have even more relief!!

 

[[pe...]]

MommyR- good luck at the office. I think you'll feel a huge sense of relief and accomplishment once you get this website going. You can do it! Let us know how it goes.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Mrsalw.....just a quick note about beta blockers on a daily basis. I went on a beta block in month 5 for palps.  I was on 12 mg for about 5 weeks....this is what my doctor taught me about beta blocks...mthey block cortisol and adrenaline. As they block cortisol your body has a back log of it...when the betablock reaches interdose levels your body releases the excess cortisol. Many people need beta blocks for uncontrollable b/p and take it daily and do just fine. But I thought I would mention it just in case you notice cortisol surges as your beta block depleted before the next dose. My doc said beta block doses last 12-24 hours depending on individual metabolism...I got to a place where I was able to go off ( however I do use it ad needed from time to time if my b/p spikes during an anxiety attack). I have used benadryl ( many docs will prescribe hydoxzine for sleep or anxiety attacks) twice for panic ( 12 mg) and it was effective although it gave me a headache and left me feeling hung over.

......I hope your jitters let up. I had a bad bout of them in month 6. A feeling of ' crawling out of my skin '...couldn't be still ...had t move move move...lots of anxiety....for me it lasted about 10-14 days and since I have had only minutes of it here and there. Truely not fun....it will let up....you are doing a great job with your w/d.....wishing you some peace from the jitters today...coop

[[mr...]]

Coop -- THANK YOU so much! I sm welled up with tears, grateful for your reply. I'm working currently, but will be back later to respond

 

Take care for now,

 

Mrs.

[[be...]]

Morning all,

I was reading in my journal last night and found myself quite surprised at some entries.I don't usually go way back to acute entries because they hurt my brain to read. In month three and four I was spending a lot of time in my walk in closet. I felt like the big picture was to over stimulating to the brain. I liked it in the closet, it was a small space, quiet and calming. I took my tablet with me and some crackers and water, I would spend hours in there.

All along this journey has felt like I was a frightened child. I knew I was an adult but I had child like tendencies. I was frightened and fearful of everything.

I think my brain has finally reached adulthood. I think some of the trauma has burned itself out and I'm returning. My brain still feels traumatized but at a different level.

This is my own personal journey and I will do what needs to be done to escape this hell, no matter how weird or pathetic, I will shed the withdrawal layers one at a time till they are gone and there is nothing left but me......and I will welcome me back.

 

Stay strong

[[pe...]]

My sadness is holding on and despite good advice from many people, including two doctors, I want drugs! I'm going to see my GP today and I am pissed that she can't help me. It's really not reasonable of me. But I'm tired of alternating between dr and depression. There's got to be something besides time that will kick my brain into gear, that's my thinking at the moment. I just can't believe I've been slogging through this for the better (worse) part of two years! I keep crying out for relief, for someone to help me and they all just kind of look at me in this perplexed way. So, what does one do when tempted to ask for more drugs? I know many of us have been here before or are here in this moment. I just want some relief.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Peace-- I'm fighting this depression right now too. It was gone for months, I just can't believe its back. It almost makes it worse because now I know how it feels not to be depressed and I want it back! I'm so incredibly sad and frustrated with this process, I want my life back already-- its been 3 years! Sorry, I'm venting.... Peace, I'm here for you. Somehow we have to make it through this. Thinking of you today, jenny

[[ga...]]

Greetings Jenny...I really feel for you and the depression you are dealing with.  You have responded to my gripes with the ongoing sleep issues and the on and off depression.  It stinks..I know!  Unpredictable and hits out of the blue for apparently no reason at all.  With me the mind starts drifting down the road of negative, depressing thoughts and it just spirals out of control.  It puts me in a rotten place that feels so uncomfortable.  In this state, I'm constantly looking for something that will dig me out of the hole.  Always hard to find, but I KNOW it always seems to wane in time.  I always ask unanswerable  questions such is this still tied to benzo use or just the way I am wired nowadays?  No answer to that question.  You must know that you will always come out of it and it is not going to be this way day in and day out.  Appreciate the good days, as I know you do!  Know that this blue period you are in now will end... it'snot forever!!  My thoughts are with you as you muddle through this. 

 

Just curious, you said you have been off three years.  Looking at your history it looks like a year, which is the same amount of time I've been off the Ativan.

[[je...]]

Hi Garton, thanks for the reply. I've only been benzo free 10 months, but I was in tolerance for 2 years, so its been a total of 3 years that I've been miserable. I hope you are feeling better, jenny

[[pe...]]

Jenny- three years is too long. I'm sorry you've suffered all this time. I hope it gets better soon, soon, soon. I'm glad you can talk with your mom. I hope that helps. Do you ever think about going on an AD? What is your thought process around it? It's like I know I should try not to, but at some point....

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

Good morning!

This week is going to be a challenge for me, and I am questioning if I'm up for it.  This is where I don't quite trust my healing and I can tell that it will be successfully getting through many times of big stress before I can be confident.  I am definitely feeling nervousness this morning and almost like I'm white-knuckling it to not let it blow up into a full wave.  My sister leaves to go back to WI tomorrow and I'm very sad about that.  My husband is going in for shoulder surgery on Wednesday, and I'm really nervous about it.  He wasn't able to have it done in the fall because his blood pressure was too high right before they were going to put him under.  I'm nervous about the surgery and the recovery period...it sounds pretty nasty.  My parents are driving my sister to the airport and my mom won't be available to sit up in the hospital with me.  My younger daughter is leaving for Boise with a friend on Thursday and she will be gone until Sunday.  She is very excited but I always get very nervous about my kids traveling. 

UGH!  Throw in the continued uncertainty about our house (will we lose it or not?) and the impending start to the new school year (a good stress, but stress none-the-less), and it's a perfect storm for a wave. BIG test for my poor CNS.

I am going to take a deep breath, put on my walking shoes, and head out for a walk with a friend of mine.  I'm planning on being proactive and positive during this week to try to keep a wave a bay. 

I have read in some posts here and there about people who were healed but suffered pretty nasty returns of symptoms.  Those posts always scared me and the memory of them pop up and bring fear during these times of stress. I'm feeling that fear today. 

Wishing you all well today! 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... I posted a thread over on the post-withdrawal board ... "A Cautionary Benzo Tale" ...

 

All is pretty good ... I came very close to "losing it" yesterday morning ... and I am back on track ...

 

Take Care ...

[[...]]

So glad you are doing alright Nova!!

 

Be well!

 

[[dr...]]

Nice post Nova!  I read it and agree.   

[[mr...]]

Hi gang

 

Coop -- thanks again for all your advice regarding the beta blocker. Appreciated more than you know.

 

Riding out a wave here. Ready to feel better consistently (we all are!)

 

I'll pop in later again, I'm sure. So great to have people to associate with here Very grateful for this forum!

 

Take care for now,

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Jenny- three years is too long. I'm sorry you've suffered all this time. I hope it gets better soon, soon, soon. I'm glad you can talk with your mom. I hope that helps. Do you ever think about going on an AD? What is your thought process around it? It's like I know I should try not to, but at some point....

 

Peace2

 

 

No, I would never even consider it. My brain feels damaged right now and the thought of potentially doing more damage scares me to death. I think all these drugs are pure evil and they do more damage than good. I was on paxil years ago and I always felt weird on it, like a zombie with no feelings or emotions. I think I would just be trading one sx for another. I completely understand the need for relief, and I have no judgment for anyone using it, its just not something I would ever consider.

[[No...]]

Hi Mrs ... see if you can borrow Coops's boogie board ... great for riding waves ... and lots of room ...

[[pe...]]

No, I would never even consider it. My brain feels damaged right now and the thought of potentially doing more damage scares me to death. I think all these drugs are pure evil and they do more damage than good. I was on paxil years ago and I always felt weird on it, like a zombie with no feelings or emotions. I think I would just be trading one sx for another. I completely understand the need for relief, and I have no judgment for anyone using it, its just not something I would ever consider.

 

---------------

Thanks, Jenny. My GP doc agrees with the psychiatrist and neurologist, no more meds. And so forward through the mud. Because I don't want to trade side effects, I just want to feel better.

 

 

Nova, thanks for your post. Insightful and helpful.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Good morning!

This week is going to be a challenge for me, and I am questioning if I'm up for it.  This is where I don't quite trust my healing and I can tell that it will be successfully getting through many times of big stress before I can be confident.  I am definitely feeling nervousness this morning and almost like I'm white-knuckling it to not let it blow up into a full wave.  My sister leaves to go back to WI tomorrow and I'm very sad about that.  My husband is going in for shoulder surgery on Wednesday, and I'm really nervous about it.  He wasn't able to have it done in the fall because his blood pressure was too high right before they were going to put him under.  I'm nervous about the surgery and the recovery period...it sounds pretty nasty.  My parents are driving my sister to the airport and my mom won't be available to sit up in the hospital with me.  My younger daughter is leaving for Boise with a friend on Thursday and she will be gone until Sunday.  She is very excited but I always get very nervous about my kids traveling. 

UGH!  Throw in the continued uncertainty about our house (will we lose it or not?) and the impending start to the new school year (a good stress, but stress none-the-less), and it's a perfect storm for a wave. BIG test for my poor CNS.

I am going to take a deep breath, put on my walking shoes, and head out for a walk with a friend of mine.  I'm planning on being proactive and positive during this week to try to keep a wave a bay. 

I have read in some posts here and there about people who were healed but suffered pretty nasty returns of symptoms.  Those posts always scared me and the memory of them pop up and bring fear during these times of stress. I'm feeling that fear today. 

Wishing you all well today!

 

Oh, wow ,Healinghope, this is so hitting home for me. I have been feeling really nervous these past few days ( did not feel like a wave) as I have been hit with allot of stressors and I too worry about the waves -- I do not like the way I am feeling right now as it is. I am heading back to my home in florida Wed, I have knee surgery on Friday ( scared of the med situation), I have a full blown board meeting with all the social things that brings Thursday, I have a strained relationship with my brother that has been weighing on me for a week, my lake house has been full of people invited by my wife and I have had to entertain and my symptoms are revving up. I have walked ( by the way get the app MapmyFitness), worked out, cut my hair, changed oil -- anything to keep me busy but I am in fear of a wave. I would say that I am in a wave but a manageable one if you can understand. Anyway your post has hit a major cord with me. Allot of things happening at one time. Today I had a mini panic attack for the first time in months. It came when the doctor called and said my surgery was Friday - I had somehow convinced myself that it was going to be weeks from now. How will surgery go without a benzo? ( a requirement of mine) I'm not sure! Anyway, every day in every way I am getting stronger and stronger. I just have to remind myself of that!

 

WE ARE ALL HEALING! 

 

Life

[[...]]

Question...

 

Does anyone have night sweats?

 

If yes, how far out are you?

 

Mine seem to be getting worse...no panic or any other symptoms with it, just wake up drenched!

 

[[mr...]]

Tough afternoon today. I pushed myself with exercise -- oops!  Feeling like hairline-trigger panic, and generally afraid. It shall pass, and I shall continue to face my fears. Its definitely tough to do, but I can do this. There is nothing harmful with my body's reactions -- they just feel uncomfortable. I must keep this on the forefront of my mind at all times.

 

I am fortunate to have you all here Grateful, despite how I'm feeling Hope you all are having a good night; take care for now,

 

Mrs.