6-12 month thread....

[[be...]]

Hi all, These roller coaster rides can be very rough. I got in the tub with a wave this morning and got out in a window. This is how it has been going for a couple of days.

It's noon here now and I keep watching the clock, waiting for evening . I felt so good yesterday evening, I actually felt relaxed for a couple of hours. After 6 pm my symptoms start easing and the pain level gets lower and lower as the evening goes on.

I have jaw pain today from so much teeth clenching, gosh.... I want it to stop.

Do any of you have weird food cravings? I crave something sour, and then sweet, then salty.

I ate a little pumpkin butter on some toast this morning and it was so yummy.

 

Wide open windows to all.

[[No...]]

Beulah ... can I borrow your "magic" tub ... food cravings you say ... you would think I have been pregnant for three years ...

 

Still playing in this wave ... not gross ... but still lousy ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[je...]]

Peace- sounds like your boys are having a fun morning! I hope you enjoy your day. I've decided to be more thankful, my life is far from perfect but I still have so much to be thankful for. Have a great day everyone!

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... just hanging around and trolling for a bit ... did get the planters pretty well done ... pure stubbornness on my part ... when this is all done I am going to California or Hawaii and show them folks how this old fella surfs a wave ...

 

Have a good weekend ...

[[je...]]

Good job Nova! Nice to meet a fellow stubborn person sometimes it can work in our favor- right!? Hope your doing well, jenny

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... still splashing about in this annoying wave ... not a bum-kicker ... but still bothersome ...

 

You "sound" well today ... hope it is so ...

 

[[li...]]

Hi everyone, just checking in on our little thread. I see some improvements going on everywhere. I am so sorry for those that are still suffering. Remember guys and gals that we are all healing. I was stressed because I had a few friends of my wife coming to our lake house courtesy of my social butterfly wife. I was pre-stressed due to their arrival. In my head - " Oh boy what if I have a wave and cant entertain? What if this  happens and what if that happens"?. All the courtesy of the benzo beast that still has me questioning my stability of emotions. I finally said "what am I afraid of? For Pete;s sake they are human! They are not going to kill me." So far holding my own and being social. There are times I want to be by myself but who cares. Anyway just more proof that the beast leaves you doubting even when a wave is not in place. I have to understand the "re-entry" into life agin. I have to do my own best to overcome fears from the "wave beast" gone past. I am feeling pretty good so far. I also see that as people heal they do not spend as much time here. I do, as I think I can help a few people. Coop, Nova, Jenny, Peace, Mommyr, Healing, Beulah, drew, Free, and everyone else -- I am thinking a praying for all of you. God bless and let the healing continue!

 

Life

[[No...]]

Hi Life ... thanks for your support ... and they say "re-entry" can get a little fuzzy at times ... gotta get all them synapse thingies playing the same song in the same key ... they will get the hang of it ...

 

Have a good weekend ...

[[Co...]]

Beulah....I am so so glad for you...you sound like you are moving into a better phase of healing and it seems so typical of the later months of year 1....I am doing a happy happy dance for you because I know you have suffered at every step of the way. I am wishing you all good things...." the pain of yesterday is gone ". I say that to myself a hundred times a day...love to you Beulah I hope your good day just keeps going......coop

[[Mo...]]

Good morning friends,

 

My husband asked me to spend less time too!!!! That's how I lost my buddy... their spouse asked them to take a break...  I fully respect this request unless the person needs support and then I hope mercy is extended.  We have a club here and entry is a high price.  That's ok.  I know we want this club to dissipate with no new members. 

 

First, About Me!..hehe.. 

I made it thru the water playdate.  It wasn't fabulous and full of rainbows, but we had a good time.  The family we visited was one of the only friends I made during our short attempt at life in Temecula.  The mom was there when I needed to be rushed to emergency and started the Benzo life.  Driving back to Temecula had me thinking about all the PTSD conversations.  More on that later.

 

So, my sleep is still disrupted. It's not horrible but 3AM..aargh!!.. then rushing rushing thoughts..push away push away.. pray, claim, feel frustrated, look at the clock.. 5:30am.. fall back asleep and here I am!  I am seriously considering a no frills, no sugar, fun food or coffee (sigh) for 30 days to see if I can reboot the cortisol thing.  It can't hurt! (sipping coffee now..oops)

 

Peace and Life (oh man.. those two words together make me smile) have been talking about things I run thru my mind.. NB recovery and adrenal fatigue.  I also talked a few months back about having to slay dragons.  I was diagnosed with 'adjustment disorder' from moving to 'that' town.  I had small children, a traveling husband, a still unresolved health issue and absolutely nothing to do.  All our extra funds from moving were taken up by rent, so no retail therapy and the town had no activities for young kids like mine.  I seriously felt traumatized yesterday driving the freeway back there, but was also curious how this would play out.  Would the sensation go away?  Nope!  I have no desire to reside there again or 'try' it out some place similar.  You might as well move me to Arizona.  Not gonna happen.  I am a Beach City Girl.  The more movement the better.  Yes, I like to hide in the quiet sometimes, but in my opinion there should always be something to do and experience!  People are weird and crazy but so interesting too.  That bum is someone's son, brother, father maybe.  That old lady was once a beauty queen!  I look at people and think about what got them to where they are today.  What activities should we decide to do or not do today?

 

YES, I NEED TO TALK!!  Ignore if you need to.  That's ok. 

 

Ok, so Thursday my husband said he got us a hotel room for Temecula.  It was like 'mud', a term we use here, to get my brains in the over night gear mode.  I was frazzled trying to repack extra things. Two hours later we were on the road.  Then we spent the day playing.  I had fun but there was this underlying sensation of things not right or worry? Someone else posted they had that sensation a while back.  I was looking for those 100% feelings, but they didn't come.  I am guessing it's because of our locale (PTSD).  That night we ate and played.  I was ready to pass out at 10pm.  We left the 7 year old for a slumber party (Oi, my mind didn't like that) and took the 3 year old.  I was hoping to sleep all night, but no.  When I woke I asked my husband what was going on.  This one had me thinking something is wrong.  I've been wavish for weeks now.  I was crying and said I felt the vacation was too stimulating and had put me backwards.  My husband disagreed.  He felt that because I pushed thru symptoms on vaca that being home was the problem.  That I was bored and my mind was over thinking everything.  Here we go with focusing on what is going on..  We just talked about this right?  It's the nature of this beast focusing focusing.  Anyways,  I liked what he said.  I am afraid to push myself.  I don't want to break.  Home and the mundane could be the problem and the fear to do more.  Good thing Monday I start a pretend work week!

 

Life had said a few weeks back an NB usually heals from 6-18 months.  If that's the case and my event was a type of NB then I would be 14months from March of 2013 when it happened.  Fours months to go.

Then Coop said her doctor said potentially 2 years for benzo.  Don't let 2 years worry you.  There is healing in that 2 years!!  My God I will take it.  There is progress in 2 years.  It's not all hell. 

 

I needed those words.  I run all these conversations thru my head.  Words are sooooo powerful. 

 

Before we got on the airplane to come home during vaca and I had my panic experience, I was very stressed.  The 3 year old had a seat belt stand off with my husband for 20min and everyone was upset.  I went to check in the stroller at the airport counter and the SW guy looks at me and says, "Are you a swimmer or runner because you look like an athlete'.  My brain came to a screeching halt.  In true MommyR fashion I asked him to repeat it, "I"m sorry, could you ask me that again?' and I look back at my husband grinning.  I assure you I do not look like either, but the compliment sent chemicals in my brain across the benzo thoughts like a left turn car in oncoming traffic.  It cut off the path my mind was on.  I fully believe it refocused me long enough to sit calmly in the plane until the 'panic' attack happened.  I would like to add I have never had panic attacks until this fun benzo ride.  I was a worrier, but not anything like this stuff. 

 

So Peace is correct in her desire to focus on the positive today.  WAVES ARE BRUTAL, but the lower the wave decibel the better chance you have to cut off it's path with opposing good thoughts.  I have done this successfully for months.  The bad stuff is going to fire off.  No way to stop it, but you can counter them at times.  Nova is so wise in his knowing.  Not everyone has this assurance in themselves.  I run that way.  I love his courage and calm.  l love Coop's strength.  Her shell might be tiny, but the spirit is huge. Life has clearly shown the wonder of his window and healing proof during the stress he experienced. 

 

On Jan 7th of this year I wrote in my journal, " was able to eat a real breakfast, not just banana'..

On Jan 9th I wrote, "I saw a hummingbird eating from a bush and was able to enjoy the wonder it was'.  That's how this works.  It's the tiny things you look for to know the good stuff is still able to fire off. 

 

I know this involves physical pain too.  I get headaches, floating sensations or being on the water movement and nausea.  Ugh, the nausea.  It's not like when I was acute, but similar.  I have had success in firing off the good stuff over whatever is firing off these bad symptoms.  I do not have the burning tingling leg sensation, so that one is foreign to me.  I do believe we will all heal.  Even the Ashton manual states that the prognosis is GOOD.  She said some take a longer time, but all evidence points to HEALING.  You just have to get thru.

 

I'm sorry for begin so long winded.  Me..I am not a delicate flower in physic.  Bones are medium, I"m 5'8 and could lose a few even though benzo dropped me 30lbs.. I have found 20 of them back! My husband is 6'3.. my kids are huge too.  I am a preacher's kid who rebelled and took tons of drugs, but eventually saw the light.  My oldest is named John Carter after the Edgar Rice Burroughs character.  My dad was a preacher, and used to read the JC chronicles to me as a kid.  He also made sure church was out in time for us to watch Star Trek.  One day I asked him if John Carter was real.  He was a preacher and couldn't lie, right?  He looked at me and said, "Maybe'.  It was the best answer I could have ever received.  I read the bible with a new slant.  Maybe all this crazy stuff could really have happened.  You see, if you ever read the books about John Carter he described himself as someone who knew no matter what he thought he saw, there was always an explanation behind it. Science meets Fiction!

 

Coop - I think I had you pegged right.  There was no way out for me either only thru.  I became sick quickly..month 4, but my dosage was going up quickly from 1mg daily to 3.5mg.  The swimmer runner comment made by the SW guy.. actually had me thinking about you.  What are the odds??  Another window is AWESOME.  It's coming, everyday is a day closer.  The conservative in me is hugging your liberal self and so glad we are walking this together!

 

Life - This thing with your brother... My counselor told me never to judge things in a wave or waviness.  You were hit with the stresser during your window and I think you were confident in your decision.  It is possible you are wavy right now and it's causing you extra duress over it.  I think the feeling of not wanting to do anything is where I was during the last week.  Typical benzo.  Ho-hum I hear yah!  I am still really excited for that long window you had.  It will come again.

 

Nove - I'm going to think of you when I see planters (my thumb is black).  I look forward to your next active day.  Getting slammed just sucks.  No other way to put it.  I know it will leave but I want it for you know as well as for everybody else.

 

Buelah - I am so happy for you too.  It's great to read of the progress here.  I know some are still hurting but I promise healing is there waiting.

 

Drew, Jenny, Free, Itsmylife, Jrod, GMIT, ...can I get a Bueller??

 

Ok, I need to go play a fish game with the 3 year old.  Celebrating our 8 year anniversary today.  Last year.. no celebration.  This year.. celebration.  Wish me luck.  Going to see the Planet of the Apes.  We are going early in the day hoping my CNS can hang.

 

MommyR (talker extraodinare)

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...ride that wave all the way to the shore. I take encouragement every day from your ' never give up ' march forward. I am happy to hear that your. "slam " from yesterday has morphed at least to a slog ...not that slogging is any fun.

......We are all thinking of you Nova....coop

[[Co...]]

Life..I hope you ended up having a good time with your friends. I also can only manage a few people at a time, but am hoping to soon manage social situations better,  but I have to say that even before benzos I was overwhelmed with busy social events.

......I just keep trying to find your footprints in this dark cave to follow ....wishing you a wonderful day at your lake home...coop

[[No...]]

MommyR ... thanks for the post ... best wave "distraction" I have had this afternoon ... reading other folks stories pulls me in and lets me rest a while ... of course "John Carter" is real ... no "maybe" about it ... who do you think Burroughs got his "stories" from ... he wasn't just a character ... he was a yarn-spinner ... the best kind of people ...

 

Have a good weekend ...

[[No...]]

Coop ... will not surrender until the Beast brings me chocolate ... and pizza ... and more hair ... rhubarb/strawberry pie ... and a ticket, via cruise liner, to the Hermitage Museum ... and while I am at it ... I want to see the Dales where they made "All Creatures Great and Small" ...

 

No white flags in Nova Scotia ...

[[li...]]

mommyr thank you for your posts. I think that you are right --I was in a decibel 2 to 4 mood and probably was a wave. Those feeling before were considered windows -- so I guess my judgement was off too. You are right about being able to control your thoughts during a low decibel wave and I did.  I am feeling better. Actually rode a horse - not an easy feet for me. It started pouring down rain and lightening. Branches falling and horses very skittish. I survived and talked myself through!

 

Coop, I can see that you are in such a better place. One foot in front of another. You are definitely making it out of the cave. We all are.

 

Life

[[pe...]]

I know I am always "safe" ... I know this will be over someday ... there is joy in that for me ... and the "connection" that flows back and forth daily between us ... that is another joy ... within all this crazy confusion and unknowns I have a pocketful of joys ...

 

 

I love this Nova, everything you wrote put a smile on my face. You are a smile maker and a spreader of peace. I'm so glad for your words, blessed by them everyday.

 

MommyR- I'm glad you found part of your truth, that you're a beach girl. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain and suffering to find it. But now you can hold it and know it forever.

 

My dr is off the charts. I'm kind of a mess despite my attempts to be otherwise. I was out and about today and just could not get grounded. It's with me almost constantly, maybe an hour break from it during the day, maybe. It's so hard to function when you're not really there. Can anyone help me with this symptom? What to do? How long will it last? The depression lifted and now I'm in the dr dungeon. One positive for the day was finding a beautiful piece of stained glass at the art fair, it's blues and greens, cool and calming. I read a loooong book to my oldest son which he really enjoyed. Tonight I'm eating gluten free pizza, which means cheese for me, a rare treat since I try to be dairy free.

 

I miss you all. Isn't that silly?

Peace2

 

 

[[dr...]]

 

 

Hi all...I just want to report this window is wide open for three days.  I was just jogging and I just kept going. I did 5 miles!  That's 8km for you weirdos who use the metric system. My legs and body were so tired but I kept saying to myself..."after benzo withdrawal I can handle anything". I did the five and feel awesome.    I'm going to have a goal of a half marathon within one year.  A reasonable goal as I've never jogged this far before;). 

It just feels great to feel normal. I was out last night and my friends who haven't seen me in months commented on how well I look. 

Know it can end in a second but soaking it all in while it's here.

 

 

Drew

[[...]]

Hello Coop, Life, Peace, Mommy, Drew and All!

 

Nova glad you're feeling a bit better!

 

Coop, sorry you aren't doing well!

 

Drew, you are doing so great! Love it!

 

My day started good, went fishing down on the coast. The afternoon brought a terrible wave of anxiety. I sure hope it passes soon!

 

Be well all!

 

:smitten:

 

[[je...]]

Peace -- its my understanding that the derealization goes hand in hand with depression usually its one or the other. I have it too, and it is very hard to feel present or connect with people. I think its even harder on us as moms because we don't feel all the way there with our families and yet we so want to be. As far as I know the only answer is once again time.... I'm so sorry you are struggling today, just try and remember this isn't the real you. We will get there Peace! Thinking of you, jenny 

[[Co...]]

Just. chiming in for the evening. ...Peace I love the idea of looking for something positive in each day. I got up this morning with headache head pressure and anxiety....window is gone...BUT...it lifted in the afternoon...so I am back to baseline. As Life said...two months ago I would have called it a window. Even though it was a very 'iffy ' morning the whole thing is so so much better than month 6 and everything leading up to it. I am do darn grateful to be out of month 6. My positive is that I am sitting in my condo in the middle of a severe thunder and lightening storm and not only am I not reaching for an ativan ( as I was for the last 2 years in thunder/lightening), I am not even thinking of "wish I could take something to get through this storm "...( told you I am a wimpy girl...I am terrified in thunder and lightening....so is my dog)....I am getting through this one on my own...my dog however required foggy benadryl.

......MommyR....loved your post...talk away friend that 's why we are here and you are a good writer...you sound strong and determined ...

.....Drew...you sound so much better than a day or two days ago...happy for you that you are getting a break with this

...GMIT....yay! ...a three day window and a five mile run...boy are you healing!....enjoy enjoy...hope it holds up forever..

......wishing all a peaceful restful night and a day full of sunbreaks tomorrow.....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace,  d/r is such a tough one. I had very little of it until month 6 ...and then it became constant for awhile and alternated with health fear,  anxiety and depression. I agree with Jenny,  I found nothing that helped it...it just gradually got better with time.I get it now, but it is milder and doesn't last as long...it will ease up. You are getting there Peace. Wishing you sunbreaks and d/r br gone!..... coop

[[He...]]

Hi everyone!  Yesterday was my 13-month milestone and things are good.  I have had some little annoyances here or there, some mild chest anxiety today and a few times of feeling edgy, but I'm still in a window that has been open to various degrees for 3+ weeks now.

In southern Oregon, there are fires everywhere.  My town is socked in with smoke and we even have tiny bits of ash falling now and then.  UGH!!  It's making me feel like I'm getting sick...burning eyes, clogged sinuses, headache, ect.... BUT it hasn't caused any benzo symptoms to flare up.  I just wish I could run away to the coast and breathe in the fresh air! 

 

I am sorry to read that some of you are struggling right now.  Hang in there, it gets infinitely better.  Wishing you all a speedy end to this madness!   

 

[[He...]]

 

 

Hi all...I just want to report this window is wide open for three days.  I was just jogging and I just kept going. I did 5 miles!  That's 8km for you weirdos who use the metric system. My legs and body were so tired but I kept saying to myself..."after benzo withdrawal I can handle anything". I did the five and feel awesome.    I'm going to have a goal of a half marathon within one year.  A reasonable goal as I've never jogged this far before;). 

It just feels great to feel normal. I was out last night and my friends who haven't seen me in months commented on how well I look. 

Know it can end in a second but soaking it all in while it's here.

 

 

Drew

 

Drew,

That's awesome that you have the goal to run a half marathon!  I've ran four and they are so fun.  I have the goal to do another within a year also.  I have lost so much of my fitness through this process and I can't wait to get it back.  I started adding running back into my regular walk, but now it is so smoky outside that I'm on hold again.  GREAT job on your 5 miles!!

[[li...]]

Peace, I sometimes wonder f I get DR and not realize it. I find it hard to connect to people when I am anxious as I feel "in my head". What is DR - I might have it if it is a feeling of not being present. the only thing that helps me is to force myself to be present. Have you ever read the book "The Power of Now?" It might help. I had some anxiety/ slight panic after being in four days of constant socializing. The husband that came with my wife's friend is a real social person -- great person. I like him allot - lots in common!

 

even though, I went to the bathroom and started heavy breathing and took a warm bath and came out ok. There was a moment there that I felt really anxious. I wonder if what I had was DR? I have had this nervous detached feeling so long I am not sure what it is? Whatever it is it did not make me feel good. Its not that I am out of my body or anything like I have heard here on BB.

 

I am feeling fine now but I guess the four days of having to socialize has gotten to me. I felt once like I wanted to run away -- I did exit smoothy and started deep breathing. Oh well - all is well that ends well!

 

Life

[[He...]]

Good morning, buddies. I've decided to take a creative approach to my current state of recovery. I'm going to seek out and create as much positivity as I can and really watch how I think and talk about what I'm going through. Today, I'm awake and going for a jog and then we have two different gatherings with friends. My boys are also awake and jazzed because their dad let them make pancakes with chocolate chips and fresh made whipped cream.

 

Hopes for many bright spots in all your days! If you're up for it, share something you enjoyed about today. I'd love to hear about the big and small joys.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

I think this is a great approach to healing!  I really believe that it is important to retrain our brains, change our thought processes.  I know that, for me, whatever I focus on will take on a much larger presence in my life than other things....like my health anxiety.  I would get a weird sensation, start focusing on it, then it would take on a life of its own, becoming exponentially worse.  I believe that just as we can create a negative cycle in our minds, we can create a positive one. 

So, my joys the past few days:

  Big hugs and sloppy kisses from my almost 2 year old niece who is visiting from Wisconsin.

  The taste of my coffee....YUM!!!

  A great couple of days with my daughters.

  Laughing at a movie with my brother, my sister, my daughters, and 4 of my nieces and nephews.

 

Life is good.