6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Peace..wishing you good sleep...I will be thinking about you tomorrow..love to you..coop

[[mr...]]

"...tomorrow is one day closer ( to healing...not heart attacks). ..coop"

 

Lol. 

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

Peace, you're gonna do great tomorrow!!

 

:smitten:

[[Mo...]]

Hi all,

Made it back from our quick overnight escape ALIVE!  HAHA.. that's for you Floc.  Catching up on reading everyone's post.  You all have such a great sense of humor.  Coop.. I will take that coffee and chocolate.. never acquired a taste for wine.. you can have mine..hehe

 

Hubby very gently stated his perception that I am spending too much time on the boards.  I don't expect him to understand what this is like, nor the camaraderie we have together.  I'm sure it's hard for our better halves or whomever is caring for us to watch the 'benzo beast' first consume our lives with crippling w/d s/x and then we somehow lie in bed with it on the boards.  Yes, rant away Mrs.  It's all love and understanding here. 

 

Hubby asked me to write my story instead.  I'm know I'm not healed completely, but I also know the day will come when we no longer need each other like this.  That is how confident I am in our healing.  I want to to document all of it now before I forget.  Yes, the further I get from a level 10 wave, the more my mind wants to pretend this never happened and it's a million years in my past.  I did not journal because it was too terrifying to admit the things I was thinking and feeling.  I do have a long ongoing pm conversation with my prayer partners.. daily snipp-its of terror and victory.  It might be a boring story to some and I'm sure I won't be in the league of Bliss or Dr. Jennifer (who has decided to come out fighting again..YAY!)

 

I never want to forget climbing the walls in pain.. actually wreathing in bed because my brain felt like a giant thumb was squishing it like a bug...AND THAT WAS AFTER MY LAST PILL..  I never want to forget the locomotive choc full of anxiety and fear that would hit me between the eyes before they even opened when I would wake in the morning.  I don't want to forget the absolute confusion and inability to concentrate, speak or type that these waves can cause.  I lucked out on the tennitus and burning skin sensations, but I assure you.. I earned my place here.  If benzo could brand you, I'd be marked and there would be no mistaking it.

 

I'm sure I will be wavy again and not just low lying stuff.. but for now I wanted to say good-night and big hugs to you (am I sappy enough yet??).  I know a window is waiting for everyone.

 

Peace - You got this!!  I haven't heard any screaming on the floor episodes from you in awhile.. yes?  You cuddle that hubby and sleep well tonight. 

 

Coop, Nova, Green, GMIT, Mrs, Life, Sky, Drew (you ok?), Jenny, Free.. TTYL..

 

PS- I was standing in line to get a flight security pass for travel and the officer is drilling me to make sure I am not a threat to national security.  I am standing there and suddenly heat hits my face and I feel perspiration start to gather...my heart flips and speeds up to 3x it's normal pulse.  I wait for the panic thinking, "Great, this guy is going to think I am hiding something!!"  And then just as quickly it passes.. Another day in the life!!

 

MommyR

 

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... have a good day today ... this new "chapter" will unfold for you ... the children have as much "anticipation" for you as you do for them ...

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks ... well, no nightmares last night ... people were giving me money ... and I spent a lot of time "finding" my way home ... didn't get there, but tried out several "routes" ... curious dreams ... and this clerk was trying to give me this ice cram cone thingie ... all spangles and fruity stuff and the cone kept crumbling ... all I wanted was a plain vanilla ice cream cone with two scoops ...

 

I feel I am recognizing a "difference" in my "pattern" of symptoms ... all through taper and up until about six weeks ago I always seemed to have lots of "energy" ... not matter what showed up I just sort of usually "bounced" through it ... rode things out ... often surprised and confused and could roll with whatever was there in the moment ...

 

I suppose I used up most of my "reserves" ... then that 13 day window ... and now ... hmmm ...

 

And ... maybe it was not so much about using up "reserves" ... rather I was blessed to have what I needed to get through those times ... maybe I am not so much "diminished" right now as I am in another "phase" ... this "geography" of this process is very confusing ... much like I learn one "map", finish that part of the "process" ... and am handed another "map" ... and have to learn that one ...

 

Maybe this "phase" really is about "re-entry" ... and that seems to be what I am doing right now ... finding the bits and pieces that are scattered around and getting them into some form of "coherence" ...

 

The "images" or "metaphors" are amazing ... and that is how I "work" ... using "images" to find "meaning" ... to find the "story line" ... and many of them come from dreams, from bits and pieces I read, some just pop up out of that place called "nowhere" ...

 

All through this process there has been the "distraction" of the jigsaw puzzles ... the image of the "journey" ... "phases" of the process ... the feeling of the need to "set up" the patio ... being and getting "healthy" ... the "community" ...

 

And ... the symptoms continue ... lousy and intense ... just another day in the "cave" ...

 

Chop Wood, Carry Water ...

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Aug. 19

 

Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.

 

Faith Baldwin

 

[[...]]

Nice quote, Nova!

 

Thank you!

 

[[fl...]]

Love it, Mommy!

[[pe...]]

MommyR- I had to look up TYYL and I just hope later is like at the end of each day or week. I do agree with your husband, you are a writer and this is a story. Go! I hope we get to see the final version bound and printed by a major publisher. I think it's absolutely possible. Love you and will miss you until you post again.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Thanks for all your well wishes and Nova, thanks for the 'word of the day.'  I'm off.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Good luck Peace....you are going to great...even if you don't feel connected to your awesomeness...everyone else will see it...coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...even though we feel that we are not moving forward, time is always moving forward and time will carry us. My energy for this is lagging too. ..My wave is hanging on with acute like s/x but I know it can't last forever so trying to at least go through the motions and let time do the work. ...hope you see a little of your bounce ' today......chop wood...carry water....coop

[[...]]

Mommy, you are such an awesome writer! You could put your experiences down and your writing will entice readers to want to know more!!

 

[[Co...]]

Mommy...so glad you are writing to us in this group. I hope you write that book,  it will be a huge help to anyone going through this.....In a wave I spend hours on BBs too.  Not as much as I did in acute but still alot. Nowhere else are there people who know how 'other world ' and difficult this is. I know someday I will fall off the board but I don't see that for another year....Thanks MR for your upbeat words and encouragement to all of us.. wishing you a day of sunbreaks and windows....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... going through the motions ... had the "idea" this morning that if nothing else, I can at least walk my way to "freedom" ... not going to keep track ... there has been way to much "keeping track" for me these past three years ... but I figure from here to Vancouver should cover it ... going to do the actual walking, and the "destination" will be in my imagination ... got to Bedford this morning ...

 

[[li...]]

Feeling relatively "stable" today. Not the high level of depression -- some worry but not much right now. Today is my and Jenny's 11 month! That is a good milestone but I never thought in  a million years it would take this long to "reactivate" my mind. We are all healing!

 

Life

[[ga...]]

life...glad your depression is a little less today.  I guess knowing when you are deep in the middle of feeling so bad it does eventually lift.  None of this is clinical depression IMO.  If it was it would be a 24/7 thing. I have always been told by psychologists, doctors and most importantly my wife that I do NOT suffer from true depression.  It's miserable nonetheless.

[[be...]]

Hi all,

Having one of those days of deep thought, I hope it's a sign of healing because for a long time I was unable to engage in any thoughts other than ''what planet am I on''.

Does anyone here talk to there w/d. Last night I found myself saying things like '' will you please just stop'' and I even cursed at it.

Went to my sons house last night to give him his birthday gift (he is 40 yrs. old ) and we sat on his front porch for a couple of hours and talked and talked. It was very nice, my symptms are always lower in the evening and I think I was acting normal.

I sure wish I was able to get out more while the weather is still warm, but I am grateful to be getting out at all.

I sure do miss working. I have an appointment next week to file for temporary disability. I can't stand to even think about it, I will be bombarded with questions. My cognitive functioning is .....ummmm, you know.

When I think about all the w/d has taken from me I get really angry. I don't mean to sound so doom and gloom but it's how I feel. I think I'm going to have one of those '' self pity and angry at the world'' days

Just one of those days

Much healing to all.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi all,

Having one of those days of deep thought, I hope it's a sign of healing because for a long time I was unable to engage in any thoughts other than ''what planet am I on''.

Does anyone here talk to there w/d. Last night I found myself saying things like '' will you please just stop'' and I even cursed at it.

Went to my sons house last night to give him his birthday gift (he is 40 yrs. old ) and we sat on his front porch for a couple of hours and talked and talked. It was very nice, my symptms are always lower in the evening and I think I was acting normal.

I sure wish I was able to get out more while the weather is still warm, but I am grateful to be getting out at all.

I sure do miss working. I have an appointment next week to file for temporary disability. I can't stand to even think about it, I will be bombarded with questions. My cognitive functioning is .....ummmm, you know.

When I think about all the w/d has taken from me I get really angry. I don't mean to sound so doom and gloom but it's how I feel. I think I'm going to have one of those '' self pity and angry at the world'' days

Just one of those days

Much healing to all.

 

That happened to me a 2-3 weeks ago.  I started crying and cursing the withdrawal.  I think it's a good sign that you do that.  Me, too.  It means we're not terrified.  It's healthy to get angry and it feels good. 

[[...]]

Congrats Life! 11 months free!! Awesome!!

 

[[Sk...]]

About the DR and DP that is plaguing many of us  on the thread.

 

I remember reading up on it some time ago, I remember very little but I do remember reading it is a protection mechanism, people that are tortured report experiencing it. It makes sense and makes it slightly more bearable.

 

Every time  I think that maybe it's me, I am overdoing it about wd I think about this piece of info. If my brain is using DP/ DR it is because this is something otherwise unbearable.

 

It's a small comfort, I know but it's better than nothing, right ?

 

I have been blessed, at least I don't have it anymore but that is no comfort, I have so many  other things going on begging for my attention.

 

@BEULAH, don't worry, I constantly speak to my WD. And, before that, I spoke to my heart for palpitations trying to sooth it and calm it down. 

 

If it makes us feel better and it does not hurt anybody, anything works !

 

Well, that's all folks, that is my contribution for the week ! I will go back to lurking, wish I could contribute  more.

 

Be better everybody and take care !

[[Co...]]

Well, go figure....this morning at 530 am I was seriously considering reinstating at. 25 and beginning with a taper again ( yes I really was thinking about what I vowed I would never even consider for a second).  I said, " self...give it at least to month 10 so you can say you put in 10 months.". I drug my miserable self through the morning...took the tired old epsome salts hot soak...drammamine the sad sorry ginger tea that I substitute these days for sumatran latte frothed up in my kitchen ( Capresso makes a frother that pours out professional quality milk froth)......behold!!!!....all of a sudden I realized ...head pressure better.  anxiety gone...thoughts of heart attacks and strokes.. distant worries not meant for me....d/r.. very slight....

....I have to qualify this by admitting that I took 12 mg of Bonnie and 300 mg of aspirin this morning at 8am. ...I don't know if the Bonnie helped or my wave is rolling into shore for a few hours. ..oh, ...b/p...107/72...heart palps...none

. .....Wish the wind would come by and blow some of this sunbreak to all the corners of where all of you live.  obviously I am not considering reinstating and probably would nit have ...hopefully this sunbreak will get me from this break to the next....it was a crap crappy wave...not tempting the Benzo Beast with my sumatran cravings....but some day...mayebe on my birthday ..in Oct.

.....thinking of every single one of you....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky...me too! I speak to my heart every time I take my b/p..I send it love and care ..lol..

...Beulah..glad you got out to see your son and had a lovely conversation with him...those living relationships are so healing and this w/d misery wears on them.

....Nova.. I am sick of tracking my ' reactivation. ' journey...I just want to get to one year and go from there....have a good trek to Bedford. I 'walk '..( roll in my souped up motorized chair)...every morning. I have a dog so ...no excuses...have to go out 3/4 times a day. It helps a lot to just changes the scenery a little and experience the counter sensations of wind and rain and sun.

.....Out to take advantage of the few hours of relief that I might have. PT and grocery shopping. When did that agenda become cause for celebration....I will take it!....coop

[[...]]

I definitely talk to my wd! I often think it's not listening though!!

 

I think I'm feeling depressed...I know that sounds stupid, cause I'm not sure. I just feel down, I want a break from this! I'm tired! Come on window!