6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Hello everybody,

 

Thanks for sharing whatever info you find on the forum or elsewhere with us !

 

About catastrophic thoughts, they are so tiring but Coop is so right. I have not had relief from them yet, but in general, nighttime is the worst and I plague my loved ones with my anxieties on bright topics such as ... nevermind, you are all much better off without knowing !

 

Anyway before I forget to write what I wanted to talk about, I have a new not so exciting development. My skin is starting to dry up in many places, including my face.  I am moisturizing it like crazy but it isn't helping.

 

Again, this is hardly the worst thing on the list but it is in my personal appearance, I do look like I have been through a lot, why add to it ?

 

I don't remember having read anything on the subject, but if anybody knows more on the subject please let's talk about it.

 

Again, thanks for sharing victories but also doubts and fears. The fears, are so hard to talk about, I guess we all feel alone in them when we really are not.

 

Sometimes  I always feel guilty for my thoughts. It is really hard to remember that this is our brains and not our minds. A difference I have learned to appreciate.

 

Have a better week everybody.

 

Sky

 

I've been noticing that nice leathery feel to my skin again, whole body, and my hair is as dry as hay.  This was getting better, I thought.  I don't know what to do about it, except drink water and wait it out.  Yes, I suspect I too look like I "have been through something."

[[Gr...]]

Life...I think your first post makes so much sense...we just don't know the whole answer to the " is this me..or w/d ?" question...time time time....and we are getting closer every day.

  .My wave leveled out today too ...feels like I might get my 70-75% baseline back. Some weird random. surges of fear and adrenaline that last only moments. Anxiety is talking in the background but I am functional.. I had a two hour sun break in which I felt absolutely normal and then it clouded over but still hovering right below baseline. My wave was about a week. I get tricked by these 6/7/8 day waves as I was pretty stable for a few weeks at baseline. ...Benzo Beast just doesn't want us to have any peace.....

......wishing everyone some sunbreaks. ...coop

 

Yes, Coop, I've had that 70-75% thing for almost a week.  I was afraid to talk about it for fear it would go away.  I know listening to you and Life that I will go back to some waves -- I have to, it's really the normal healing process that my body/brain needs to do until it's better.  But the fear is there, listening to you both, I know how bleak and frightening these waves are, we lose all perspective, think we're never going to get better.  Anyway, while I'm feeling rational, I'm tracking you both and thinking, damn, when that wave hits, it really takes us out for the count.  These people both have had good, long windows, they know they're getting better, and that damned benzo beast takes everything, there's just no way to soothe a person in a bad wave.  Peace and Freeof V, too, there's just no way to soothe or reassure a buddie in a bad wave.  I'm glad you're both feeling better.

 

Green, so nice to hear that you are in a window -- hopefully the last and staying one!  I have to say that this wave has thrown me for a loop. I actually have been thinking about "What If I just go back on benzos?" I wont do it but the thoughts were there. Do you get depressed from this too? Th edepression is what scares me - it is so lonely and hopeless. I cant believe that I am thinking like this as I know by now that in a window I am 100% positive. I have never been diagnosed nor do I think I am a manic depression ( I simply to dont have mania) but this up and down thing makes you think otherwise. I pray for the love of God that I get out of this wave. I am really being hit.

 

Life

 

Life, when I get to the point of thinking about reinstatement, I know I'm in a very, very bad way.  And so you are, in a very, very bad way right now.  I've been reading your stuff for many months now, from back when depression had you locked in your house, before you turned the corner.  Do you remember?  Depression may be your most stubborn symptom, but remember it is a symptom, and eventually all symptoms go away.  And this will too.  I can hear you being hit.  Hang in there.  You know how these things break in one day.  Real depression doesn't lift literally in one moment.  This is all chemical benzo stuff.  This is your brain doing maintenance checks before putting you online for that final time.  This is not you, dude, it's your brain healing.

[[Gr...]]

Life,

 

I HATE "rock bottom". Or revisiting tough symptoms -- my least favs are panic, anxiety, and tachycardia. Oh, how I HATE these!! But I'm so tired of running from them in fear. So very tired of it. So facing it is where I'm at. Its scary feeling. (I guess lots of things that are unfamiliar territory feel scary at first though, huh?) And truth be told, I don't want to face it. But the way out is through -- and through we are currently going. One foot in front of the other. On faith and hope that it will one day be the distant memory we pray it will be.

 

(And it will be )

 

I haven't arrived, and am still walking a journey. This is just where I'm at personally I hope you're feeling better and better soon, Life (and everyone on here!). We are getting there, with each passing day Healed is ours already; it is just manifesting currently is all. Take care buddies

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Mrs.  That's exactly how I feel.  I had a one day window Sat. before last, and I've been trying very hard to manage my mood and remain positive, and not collapse in fear when the s/x threaten to overwhelm me.  I don't know how well this works.  I'm really just trying to get the maximum decent quality days, and the minimum crap collapsed on the couch days.  When I feel the palps or anxiety coming on now, I try to think, okay, let's get out the door and see if we can distract that way, rather than "Oh, I have to outrun the wave."  And I keep reminding myself that I still have months to heal, and would I opt to have no waves if it meant my brain doesn't continue healing itself?  Would I stop the waves and take my brain and body "as is," or take a couple more waves and have optimal body and mind restoration?  Just trying to get a new take on this.  I need to make peace with this process. 

[[pe...]]

Listened to Pema Chodrin this morning. She talked about our discomforts being like scabies. With scabies, if you scratch them they spread. This is like us paying a lot of attention to our symptoms. Instead of scratching, we can soothe the itch. With a walk, a chat, a bath, a cup of tea some breathing. It still itches, but at least I'm not making it worse.

 

This is my new goal, trying not to scratch.

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Listened to Pema Chodrin this morning. She talked about our discomforts being like scabies. With scabies, if you scratch them they spread. This is like us paying a lot of attention to our symptoms. Instead of scratching, we can soothe the itch. With a walk, a chat, a bath, a cup of tea some breathing. It still itches, but at least I'm not making it worse.

 

This is my new goal, trying not to scratch.

Peace2

 

Mine, too

[[fl...]]

So glad you're here, Green.  Thank you.

[[Gr...]]

So glad you're here, Green.  Thank you.

 

Glad for everybody here for me, too.

 

Funny, though, as these s/x keep nudging me, I'm 'fraid my zen philosophy will fall by the wayside and I'll be carrying on.  taking it very, very slow.

 

 

[[...]]

Green, you are wonderful! I'm glad you're here too!

 

[[Co...]]

Garton ...I was so relieved to read your post...and am very glad to hear that things are stable with your b/p now. I am having the b/p spikes that Mrs speaks of too. It flu tuates all the way from 110/68 ..to 150/85-90 with anxiety.....more with full blown panic. I am at 9.5 months It comes right down as you say. I can actually bring it down myself with relaxation breathing. I had a bout of this in month 5 and it stabilized...had me so freaked...and my doctor.  For awhile I was actually sleeping with my monitor.  Lol....absolutely obssessed. My doctor wants me to take low dose propanolol but it gives me palps and it crosses the blood/brain barrier so I have been sitting on the fence with it. I am trying everything I know to stabilize it o. my own

.....At month 9.5. I seem to be repeating month 6....anxiety spikes...fear....mini panics.  head pressure.  head pressure....head pressure....inconfidence and doubt in the process...

.....Posted like hours help the rest of us 'get a grip ' again. Thank you fore the reassuring words..So helpful. ....did you ever have to go on a b/p mewcication?

.........Happy healing to you Garton.  coop

[[mr...]]

Thanks for the post Coop.

 

We KNOW its withdrawal. We just want it to stop, NOW!!!!

 

Thanks again guys We will get through this, for sure.

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Mrs. You are describing classic w/d s/x..I have had all of what you speak of throughout the 9.5 months that I have been off....at varying intensity.  In a window it is exactly as someone said ...in a window...those thoughts and fears don't cross my mind.. in a wave those thoughts and fears don't leave my mind...at baseline (70-75%) I manage the waxing and waning of all that you describe. ..All of what you describe was my complete existence in acute ( months 2.5- 6 for me). Now at month 9.5 I am having a pretty persistent wave of them..much like Life 's depression, but with anxiety instead of depression

...Garton and Green 's posts have been very reassuring for me today. What you are experieancing is w/d..with time and your incredible approach and mindset to this you are going to make it through. ..Distraction and BBs and time time time will get you there...we are here for you Mrs...coop

[[Co...]]

Green...thanks for the reassurance you wrote to Li.fe..I am highjacking them and replacing anxiety for depression...You are so right depression, anxiety, fear, worry, intrusive thoughts do not come and go ...unless they are w/d.

....I am right there with you and Life and Nova....past acute and seeing progress but still wavy at times and even seeing moments of acute ( that pass)...Totally looking towards months 12-14..

.....You have wonderful perspective..honesty...and supportive advice...thank you Green...coop

.

[[fl...]]

Do any of you struggle with sleep anxiety, (or what I call "sleep PTSD")?  I am doing okay sleep-wise, yet every night I face some measure of anxiety about sleep.  Part of it is related to the trauma I went through in acute with zero-hour nights, and part of it is probably because insomnia was the whole reason I took the stupid benzo in the first place.  Although, what I thought was insomnia back then was a cakewalk compared to w/d insomnia, but I'm preachin' to the choir with that. 

 

I'm not happy to admit that the only nights I truly relax are when I've taken an OTC antihistamine for one reason or another.  I'm also worried about future events causing me to lose sleep.  Can anyone identify?

 

Thanks, friends. 

[[...]]

Floc, this is not my anxiety, bit as I said earlier...I've read so many different anxieties on here. A VERY wide variety, so there isn't any anxiety that someone would post that would surprise me!

 

I believe you will eventually move on from this and that it's just wd! Time and healing!

 

[[ga...]]

floc...I very much can relate to what you are going through.  My issues started with insomnia 20 years ago.  I built up so much anxiety worrying about whether I would fall asleep at night.  If I didn't I would worry about how I would manage to get through the next day.  Started with the ambien, at first 10 mg. then upped to 20 almost every night for a period of time.  Once that wasn't working the doc prescribed paxil, then switched to celexa and kept increasing dosages as that wasn't as effective as I would have liked.  Ended up on 60 mg. of celxa and 60 mg of restoril along with some Ativan thrown in.  I can't believe he allowed me to be on such a high dosage for so long.  I was MISERABLE and still not sleeping.  Worrying about what would happen as time went on.  Readily apparent the drugs weren't helping.  I know about the stress...you are deling with much of what I have dealt with over the years.  I am off the drugs and using benydryl and unisom now with better results than any of the benzos.  Not perfect by any means and I still have some very difficult nights with little or no sleep.  I think I am handling them better at this stage of my life than when I was in my 40's.  Yes, I still stress over it, but not nearly as bad as in the days on the meds.  Hope this helps you a bit.  Your reactions are normal.

[[fl...]]

Thanks so much, Garton.  Yes, it does help.  I think I also feel a little guilty about using Benadryl and Unisom.  Not nightly, but definitely once or twice a week.  More if I'm in a wave.  I've read that famous post on another board by Tom in Texas about never taking anything again for sleep.  While I like the theory, it scares me to think about not having an antihistamine as a back-up. 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... been visiting all my "friends" again today ... or maybe they are visiting me ... after the nightmares early this morning nothing really settled down ... they say all this stuff is "normal" this far out ... and I believe them ... and it just makes for a yukky day ... actually a yukky five or six weeks ...

 

And, as with all of you, I get by ... got awful short finger nails hanging on so much ... time for some more distraction ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[Co...]]

Hangin' on with you Nova. .gets do tiresome but I believe' too, that we will one day get out of this ...and have our lives back. ...Thinking of you today...coop

[[Gr...]]

Thanks so much, Garton.  Yes, it does help.  I think I also feel a little guilty about using Benadryl and Unisom.  Not nightly, but definitely once or twice a week.  More if I'm in a wave.  I've read that famous post on another board by Tom in Texas about never taking anything again for sleep.  While I like the theory, it scares me to think about not having an antihistamine as a back-up.

 

Do you need to get up early for work? Take care of kids?

[[...]]

I'm hanging with you both!! Hopefully we'll get thrown a rope!

 

[[mi...]]

Hi everyone....I just spoke to my pharmacist, I questioned him again about withdrawing from benzos. I asked him about many s/x I have, and many I read on bb. He assured me again that all of the s/x are normal and those of us that suffer are sensitive to this medication and also other meds.

 

I also asked him if all of us could expect these s/x to go away completely. His response was ABSOLUTELY!!! He said people who took it 3 days or 20 yrs it did not matter, if we are sensitive to it we will have w/d s/x and they could last an extended amount of time. IT IS ALL NORMAL. He said our receptors must heal....it does not help while we are suffering so much, but the reassurance is so important for me and I hope that helps all of you,

 

I see some of you are concerned about depression so I also asked him about that, his response was that if you did not have depression before benzos more than likely it will correct when we heal.

 

I truly hope this helps everyone some, it sure helped me!!

[[No...]]

Thank you Minnie ... the more times I hear this the better ...

 

[[mi...]]

You are so welcome Nova.......we can never be reassured enough. I also have the head pressure, it is so uncomfortable and difficult to live with day after day, I hope it lifts for you soon.... m

[[Sk...]]

How true, the more times I hear it  the better. Thanks so much Minnie!

[[...]]

Thanks Minnie! That is so great to hear!! Like you said, we can't hear it enough!