6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Thanks Sky! Hopefully we gat relief from the thoughts soon!

 

I have not had the skin drying issues but have read about it on here several times so it must be part of this process.

 

Be well!

 

[[fl...]]

Words of wisdom, Sky.  Thank you! 

[[li...]]

Life...I think your first post makes so much sense...we just don't know the whole answer to the " is this me..or w/d ?" question...time time time....and we are getting closer every day.

  .My wave leveled out today too ...feels like I might get my 70-75% baseline back. Some weird random. surges of fear and adrenaline that last only moments. Anxiety is talking in the background but I am functional.. I had a two hour sun break in which I felt absolutely normal and then it clouded over but still hovering right below baseline. My wave was about a week. I get tricked by these 6/7/8 day waves as I was pretty stable for a few weeks at baseline. ...Benzo Beast just doesn't want us to have any peace.....

......wishing everyone some sunbreaks. ...coop

 

Yes, Coop, I've had that 70-75% thing for almost a week.  I was afraid to talk about it for fear it would go away.  I know listening to you and Life that I will go back to some waves -- I have to, it's really the normal healing process that my body/brain needs to do until it's better.  But the fear is there, listening to you both, I know how bleak and frightening these waves are, we lose all perspective, think we're never going to get better.  Anyway, while I'm feeling rational, I'm tracking you both and thinking, damn, when that wave hits, it really takes us out for the count.  These people both have had good, long windows, they know they're getting better, and that damned benzo beast takes everything, there's just no way to soothe a person in a bad wave.  Peace and Freeof V, too, there's just no way to soothe or reassure a buddie in a bad wave.  I'm glad you're both feeling better.

 

Green, so nice to hear that you are in a window -- hopefully the last and staying one!  I have to say that this wave has thrown me for a loop. I actually have been thinking about "What If I just go back on benzos?" I wont do it but the thoughts were there. Do you get depressed from this too? Th edepression is what scares me - it is so lonely and hopeless. I cant believe that I am thinking like this as I know by now that in a window I am 100% positive. I have never been diagnosed nor do I think I am a manic depression ( I simply to dont have mania) but this up and down thing makes you think otherwise. I pray for the love of God that I get out of this wave. I am really being hit.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Life,

 

Hang tight and riiiide it out, with all you are. Things can change OVERNIGHT. This past week has been a 180 from the wave I'd been in. And it switched, just like that.

 

This wave is just exactly that for you -- a wave. And it will PASS Very soon

 

Take care, and do something tonight that "feels good" You are worth it

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

Life, I know what you mean! I would NEVER go back, but I was thinking earlier today, ever so briefly, how nice it would be not to feel like this! But, I will get past this, we will get past this!

 

Back to Heal On!

 

[[Co...]]

Life, I ask myself the same question about every other day.  every hour when I am in a wave with anxiety and head pressure. This one has me thinking I am going to be like this forever. But then I remember how the benzo did NOT help me except for about maybe 6 weeks. Sometimes I think I would be willing to take 6 weeks of peace and make that deal with the Benzo Beast....then I remember that I have 6 months of taper in this and another 9.5 months of p/w. Then I remember that in month 4/5 I was medically reinstated for 3 days and the hell that was paid for that. I wish and fantasize for anything.. pill.. supplement.  vitamin.  herbal...a ything that will make all of this go away...and I know there isn't. But I wont lie ...I think about it all the time in a wave...but I know I wont...and it sounds like you know that you wont either but I so understand the fear and desperation. Life, everyone who has healed says this all goes away...and everyone heals. You said that you did not have depression prior to benzos and that always seems to be the yardstick of wheather it 'is us ' or just the benzo. I am willing to bet the river raft that it is not you and you are going to be 100% ...completely and totally healed by month 14....and all of us as well.

....Hoping you are out of the pit of pits soon...very soon....love to you Life....coop

 

[[li...]]

Coop, GMIT, Mrs, thank you so much for your comments. I am just plain tired and scared. I got hit with allot of stressful stimulus this past week and here I am in what I think will be my lowest moment. What on earth is this all about? I guess what makes me depressed is the thought that this will be forever. Then I go through the logical steps and I know that it wont last forever but the hell with the facts, I'm in a wave.

 

Life

[[...]]

Of course you are! This is more hell then any person should endure...and yet we're doing it!!

 

Soon everyday will be windows!!

 

Relief, healing, relief, healing!

 

[[Co...]]

Life...it is ok to feel like crap while in a wave...and be tired...and complain. You don't have to put on a happy face here with us. We know that in some days it just sucks the ' can do ' right out of us. This is the place to rant and rave and say, " today I feel like giving up "..I am so sorry you are going through this...it is what is until it isn't.  we can't do a thing to change that...you will feel strong again....thinking of you Life....coop

[[mr...]]

Life,

 

I HATE "rock bottom". Or revisiting tough symptoms -- my least favs are panic, anxiety, and tachycardia. Oh, how I HATE these!! But I'm so tired of running from them in fear. So very tired of it. So facing it is where I'm at. Its scary feeling. (I guess lots of things that are unfamiliar territory feel scary at first though, huh?) And truth be told, I don't want to face it. But the way out is through -- and through we are currently going. One foot in front of the other. On faith and hope that it will one day be the distant memory we pray it will be.

 

(And it will be )

 

I haven't arrived, and am still walking a journey. This is just where I'm at personally I hope you're feeling better and better soon, Life (and everyone on here!). We are getting there, with each passing day Healed is ours already; it is just manifesting currently is all. Take care buddies

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

There has been a lot of activity here during my drive home from the lake. I am so happy to be home and not in the car with my screaming children and the three year old who loves to throw all manner of objects into the front seat while we're driving. He's a real wild one.

 

Life, I'm sorry you are in this wave. I know that it will end, even if you don't. I sometimes am helped by something my doctor said about depression. She said most depression goes away by itself within 9 months if left untreated. I keep thinking it's just going to take more time. That doesn't stop me from throwing all manner of supplements at it though. We know benzos work by depressing the CNS. And so, we are depressed. Job well done Benzos! :ticked off:

 

There is no going back on. The drugs made me sick almost immediately. I think I had a handful of 'good' days. If the docs had followed the prescribing guidelines of a few weeks, maybe I'd be a big benzo fan. But the truth is, I went south fast. I can't go back on.

 

We've all come so far.

 

Lisa- physical pain is not my deal. I have mental symptoms and tinnitus and head pressure. I don't know what to advise. I saw that you posted about it on the main board and I thought that was a good call. I see so many posts about pain on bb. There's got to be people to be in touch with. But, i'm afraid that like everything else it's just going to take time.

 

Remember what Mrs says, this can turn around over night. It has so many times. Mrs. I love how you go searching through BB to find posts that might be helpful to each of us. That's an appreciated act of love. 

 

MommyR-  I hope you have a lovely time with your husband. How's your hair looking for the occasion ?

 

I'm still waving around. That's all I got on that. Chop wood, carry water. Chop water, carry wood?

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Coop and Mrs and all, on a good note... I posted on the main board and got some interesting replies from people that got hit with a 10 month wave. One said it was their turn around wave that luanched them into real healing.

 

I guess the end of the cave that I exited last month was just a hole in the ceiling that led me down another tunnel?

 

Life

[[li...]]

Peace I see some unbelievable healing come your way.Your posts are so different. Im telling you that the new job will be great for you.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

OK I am looking for assistance with overcoming an unreasonable "fear".

 

These past two days, I've had these thoughts pertaining to panic attacks. The thoughts say that "I'm afraid if them, because it'll be a massive one and cause my vitals to 'spike' so high that it'll hurt me" and therefore "I should avoid major fears so that I won't have a major panic attack". This pisses me off, if I'm being quite honest. This fear of the illusive "massive panic" is brand new, and erroneous I know (intellectually). Haa any of you dealt with this DUMB fear? Also, anyone have a health care practitioner calm your concerns regarding "spikes" in vitals (heartrate and blood pressure)? These "spikes" have been what my thoughts have been saying are "dangerous". I know this to not be true of course, intellectually, and I'm working on this belief. Also the dumb thought that "once panic starts, it'll keep going". Again, this is physiologically impossible, and I know that intellectually. Why does the brain grasp such stupid thoughts? Sheesh.

 

If I panic, then so be it -- I will learn that the thoughts are a lie. Just wish I didn't have the thoughts to begin with. I was not like this pre-benzos.

 

Thanks gang for listening. This too shall pass. We are healthy! Nothing can stop our recovery from happening Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[ga...]]

Hi mrslw...I have had issues with what's called white coat hypertension.  A fear of going to the doctors and with me when they wrap that blood pressure cuff on my arm the bp rises out of sight.  The pulse goes crazy also.  Normal being 120/80...I go to 180/100 and pulse goes to 120.  It last as long as they are doing the bp check and then comes down.  This might be similar to what you experience if your having a panic attack.  The good news is I'm 58 and in good shape.  This has gone on since I was very young. So I can say unequivocally in my situation these spikes are NOT harmful.  Our body can withstand the fight or flight response.  I can say try not to worry about it but if your like me you will worry.  It's unreasonable but that's how I respond.  I hate it but it is what it is. 

[[li...]]

mrs, health fears are like all other fears we go through in w/d. Its like our brains looks for what to get it upset, scared, ticketed etc. - I would not call them intrusive thoughts/fears but I think these are fears that we know are not logical but they wont turn off. It's lie a general anxiety. In terms of panic -- I am not sure how to deal with that Mrs.

 

Life

[[pe...]]

Mrs- I think Life makes a good point. Latching on to intrusive thoughts of any kind is part of benzo madness. So, you've latched on to the idea that physical manifestations of panic are dangerous. I remember reading about a doctor telling someone that it's not. I'll see if I can find it. But this would be a pretty easy one to get a definite answer about. Ask a medical person if the spikes are dangerous and they'll know. Isn't Coop's son a paramedic? Does he know?

 

Hopefully Coop can answer or I know there are a few RN's on the boards. Maybe they could help if you post it on the main page. 

 

You are doing great, Mrs!

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

I can't sleep.. This is non benzo related. 

 

Floc- this is for you..Hubby and I are gone on an overnight trip.  I am very functional except today hubby wanted to discus a living will.  He thought it was interesting that our son asked who would take care of him if we were gone.. 10 seconds later I was pretty sure we were going to die today.  Walking around the city, eating dinner and watching a movie I watched for armed gun man, out if control cars and crazy people. .. Or maybe we would eat something poisonous? My chest tightened and panic set in so then I had to contend with coratid artery heart attack possibility.  Mind you, we are out and about having a grand ol time..(Oi!). I told my husband my thought proces and he had to join in with maybe a plane would crash right on the spot we were standing in!

 

Three hours later we made it back safely to the hotel where I announced something was wrong with my knee AND elbow.  I thought and thought how unlucky I would be to have a heart attack and elbow cancer.  I made hubby turn off the tv to discuss my prognosis.  He said he was pretty sure there isn't elbow cancer and handed me a piece of chocolate.  We turned the tv back on.  You are not alone on the worries and concerns that take an unnatural path. 

 

Now I am wide awake back on BB! 

 

Mrs- this may not help but my husband and cousin were able to comfort me by saying worse case.. If I had super panic I would just pass out.  There is also a healing story from a woman who got on Benzos because she had panic attacks thinking about having panic attacks.  She is off drugs, normal and has no more panic attacks.  Those two things helped me.

 

Life, Jenny, Free, Coop, Nova, Beulah, Peace, HH, Drew, Green, GMIT.. Everyone.. ... I pray you are all sleeping soundly

 

MommyR

 

[[fl...]]

Thank you, Mommy.  I'm sorry the living will thing sent you spiraling, but it makes me hopeful that I'm still recovering too, because I can identify so well with that catastrophic thought process.  I'm so glad you shared that!

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... such as it is ... lousy sleep and nightmares again ... really lousy stuff ... and physical stuff to go along with it ... so moving along slowly ... hoping this stuff wears itself out after a while ... nothing to do with it other than letting it be what it is ...

 

Nursing my body along ... and keeping my mind out of the rabbit hole ... sorry I can't help more right now ... did a blog post early this morning ... went back for a rest and the nightmares started ...

 

Hoping others are having a better day ...

 

Take Care

[[...]]

So sorry Nova! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

 

Mrs., those "thoughts" are part of wd. When I'm in a wave the intrusive thoughts/anxiety are full on, when I'm in a window they aren't there at all!

 

I've read many people having these thoughts that they state never bothered them prior to this process, they to are not bothered by them when they are feeling better! It's just another thing we have to "ride out" while healing! Hopefully you can find a way to help you through it in the moment!

 

Just be assured it's not just you and it will get better!

 

Be well!

 

[[Mo...]]

Thank you, Mommy.  I'm sorry the living will thing sent you spiraling, but it makes me hopeful that I'm still recovering too, because I can identify so well with that catastrophic thought process.  I'm so glad you shared that!

 

Floc-  Yes, you are healing and recovering.. So am I..That 'bunny trail' as my counselor calls it is to be fought, but definitely normal to benzo.  We have phobias and all kinds of things.  It's terrible but you are in the same boat with all of us.  Hugs

[[Gr...]]

Coop, Green and Mommy:  Thank you so much for replying to me about anxiety. 

Since I'm worried about real things, (like worrying about my children, aging, dying, being left alone, losing my husband, suffering in the world... ), I have doubts that it's w/d, especially since all my physical symptoms are gone.  It would really make me feel a lot better to believe that this was still recovery.  I'm 9 mos out at this point. 

 

Bless all you guys!

 

Floc, yes, we share some worries.  I've started my tenth month and I'M VERY WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING!  So, if other people have it, it must be withdrawal.

[[Mo...]]

There has been a lot of activity here during my drive home from the lake. I am so happy to be home and not in the car with my screaming children and the three year old who loves to throw all manner of objects into the front seat while we're driving. He's a real wild one.

 

Life, I'm sorry you are in this wave. I know that it will end, even if you don't. I sometimes am helped by something my doctor said about depression. She said most depression goes away by itself within 9 months if left untreated. I keep thinking it's just going to take more time. That doesn't stop me from throwing all manner of supplements at it though. We know benzos work by depressing the CNS. And so, we are depressed. Job well done Benzos! :ticked off:

 

There is no going back on. The drugs made me sick almost immediately. I think I had a handful of 'good' days. If the docs had followed the prescribing guidelines of a few weeks, maybe I'd be a big benzo fan. But the truth is, I went south fast. I can't go back on.

 

We've all come so far.

 

Lisa- physical pain is not my deal. I have mental symptoms and tinnitus and head pressure. I don't know what to advise. I saw that you posted about it on the main board and I thought that was a good call. I see so many posts about pain on bb. There's got to be people to be in touch with. But, i'm afraid that like everything else it's just going to take time.

 

Remember what Mrs says, this can turn around over night. It has so many times. Mrs. I love how you go searching through BB to find posts that might be helpful to each of us. That's an appreciated act of love. 

 

MommyR-  I hope you have a lovely time with your husband. How's your hair looking for the occasion ?

 

I'm still waving around. That's all I got on that. Chop wood, carry water. Chop water, carry wood?

 

Peace2

 

Peace- I'm glad you got home safely. My kids hate long car rides and the 3 year old starts screaming and pulling against the 5 point seatbelt.  He also loves to throw stuff up front.  I busted out laughing when you wrote that.  Do you start work tomorrow or today???  You can do it!  We will be waiting to hear how it goes.  PS.. Hair is bozo ish ... It takes forever to blow out the frizz.  The good thing is when I color it, the dye helps weigh it down.  I am waiting to color because we have a 'swimming pool' trip planned in two weeks but I'm afraid someone will mistake me for a bad 'hombre' job.. Haha!!

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Anybody have any ideas for me?  I have been having awful pain and am scared.  Don't know what to do.

 

Lisa

 

Pain has not been my primary s/x this time around, but it was in '04.  Whole body.  Facial and head pain was unbearable.  I remember my sister gave me a Vicodin and I felt tremendous relief.  (and I usually don't like those)  however, do pain meds interfere in our healing?  Is it a setback? And there is the risk of becoming dependent on something else.

 

So what about looking on line for methods of pain management?  I do know being in mental control is better than not.

 

Are you in unremitting pain where you can't change your position for relief?  I mean are you in constant unremitting pain no matter how you sit or stand?  Does the pain get better/worse as the day goes on?  Is it better/worse at certain times of day or night?

 

Is there a mental component where you're unable to cope, the cog fog wave going on at the same time?