6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Life ... ain't no "metaphorical" about it ... this stuff makes me "nuts" ... occasionally ... like for several hours this afternoon ... glad you are back on the other side ...

 

GMIT ... enjoy your birthday trip ...

 

Coop ... caught another window I see ... good for you ... I am still "trolling" for mine ...

 

MommyR ... ah ... "a taste of normality" ... what might that be ... not getting "lathered up" about this stuff ... not bumping around looking for a way out ... and sometimes I just need to let off a little steam ... that's what safety valves are for ... tooted my steam whistle this afternoon ... don't "feel" any better with the symptoms ... just a little mental steam cleaning ... sorry if I came off all yukky and depressive ... I wasn't especially ... I was just feeling ticked off ...

 

Have a good evening, Folks ...

[[li...]]

Nova I am there with you. I can not believe that there is not more public awareness about this crap. It just staggerers my mind.

 

Life

[[Fr...]]

Nova - I'm trying to not engage as much approach, thus very quiet around here too.

 

I hope everyone feels much better.

 

I'm still feeling quite sick, biding time, doing writings in my journal, watching senseless television, exhausted, flu-like in pain all over and fearful I'll be sick like this.

 

L.

[[be...]]

Nova - I'm trying to not engage as much approach, thus very quiet around here too.

 

I hope everyone feels much better.

 

I'm still feeling quite sick, biding time, doing writings in my journal, watching senseless television, exhausted, flu-like in pain all over and fearful I'll be sick like this.

 

L.

Hi all,

Hey Lisa, I had that terrible flu like symptom well into my ninth month. The further out I got the less pain it was. I don't have it at all now. My benzodiazepine brain also tried to make me think I would be stuck in the pain....lies, all lies.

My physical pain has lifted quite a bit the last couple of weeks.

Keep doing what your doing, it will get you thru this process.

Six to nine months were hard for me and then I started having some awesome healing windows. It went back and fourth for a while, but you will start feeling the healing soon, I promise.

Hugs to all and much healing.

[[...]]

Wow, so much going on!

 

Nova, I'm not getting to worked up about mine either, I just "roll with it!" I'm getting pretty good at singing, "Don't worry be happy" in my head!! 

 

What a mind trip!

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Beulah,

 

I'm so happy to hear your good news!  How great is that?!!!

 

I'm worried because although I was on a low dose I was on for about 15 years---that freaks me out.  You were a fairly short term user right?

 

Anyhow, I'm delighted for you and sure hope my healing process sees improvement soon, as well.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Beulah. Thank you, thank you! It is so hard to be waving about past the six month mark. It is so calming to know healing is happening. What a blessing that you've seen good progress. I hope we all fare as well at the one year mark!

 

Peace2

[[fl...]]

Dear Beulah,

 

Hope you have time for a question.  Can you remember if you dealt with anxiety at around the 9 month mark?  The thing I'm really struggling with is whether or not this fear is really "me," or still recovery?  Did you go through any of that?  Any words of wisdom?

 

Floc

[[mr...]]

Mrs faced a fear tonight: Mrs traveled to a city 1 hr 15 minutes outside of her hometown tonight.

 

Facing fears has been something on my heart the past couple of months. Traveling is something I've been working diligently at. Tonight, I dove in feet first, on faith, prayer, and my beta blocker This afternoon leading up to it, I was pretty antsy. Once on the road, it was almost a relief, in anticipating travel. When we reached the halfway point, I felt a small "sting" And once again when we reached the city's outskirts. Mr did a wonderful job of keeping me busy and distracted on the travel down; having me look up cabin locations and rates for a future trip, as well as having me pick out some Christmas presents for family and friends (thank God for smart phones!) -- what a good man Once inside the city, we stopped at a nearby Hardee's for a potty break and to stretch our legs. I felt surreal as I surveyed the landscape -- I was HERE! Oh, WOW! I snapped a few pictures of the city limits welcome sign, and we were on our way home again. On the way back, Mr and I sat in silence and peace, enjoying the landscape and watching the sun set as we drove along. Oh, my body and brain were still a bit "buzzy" from anxiety and such, of course, but there was a satisfaction in knowing what I'd just done Once back in town again, I treated myself to my favorite no sugar added natural ice cream as a little congratulatory treat.

 

I think that this is the first fear I've faced where I could not see myself actually doing it beforehand.

 

A special note of thanks to another buddy Schatje: for making your four hour road trip to a cabin mini getaway only 3-4 days after jumping and in the heat of acute withdrawal. And also to Northofhere: for facing the benzo terror daily but never stopping living your life, which included: working full time with an hour commute each way, finishing grad school, traveling, eating normal, etc -- to you ladies, WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you. And, WOW!

 

I just wanted to share this with all of you here, my special buddies who have adopted me as one of your own so selflessly I am still traveling the journey each day, of course, but I wanted to share with you my day today Thank you for being here with me, and for showing your compassion each and every day

 

Take care buddies, and God bless; Mr and I are going to have a camp fire Until then,

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

Congrats Mrs! You did it! How wonderful!!

 

:smitten:

[[Co...]]

Floc interestsing that you posted this question. I am right at month 9.5 ( give or take a few days...Dec 3 was my jump date). I am also experiencing anxiety...very much like acute and month 6. I wake up with pounding heart.. dread and fear. It lifts after I have been up for awhile, but cycles through the day with momentary surges of chemical anxiety. Yesterday I had a two hour window and then back to cycling moderate anxiety. I was taken off gaurd by this as in the last month I had been pretty stable at a baseline of 70-75% .

  ...I think Buelah also said that months 6*9 were still pretty much up and down for her, but she is doing much better now that she is closing in on month 12.

.....We are so close Flock ....How are you managing your anxiety? ...I am just using the tricks I have picked up along the way ....distraction....BBs..  CBT...time time time...lavender epsome salts hot baths...venturing out when I catch a window. I know we will get through his. Green says that often there is a heavy wave late in the first year that opens up to another leap in healing... ..hope so. Life is just ahead of me and he had a wave of depression in the last 8 days. Healing Hope is a little past 12 months and still has brief moments but is totally getting her life back. ...Wishing you fast relief from your anxiety and windows that don't close....coop

[[Co...]]

Buelah...I am so happy for you. I remember your posts from last fall and winter when your legs hurt so much that you could not get out of bed. ...You have dogged this all the way through. Your post is giving me so much hope and encouragement. I am just barely keeping my head out of the land of doubt this week. A week long wave after 3 weeks of a good 70-75% baseline. I think it started to lift yesterday. I am beginning to feel battle weary again. Trying to 'let it be ' and ride the wave.

....Buelah, when did you feel that you sere more healed than not..and knew that your life was back? 

......So happy for you Buelah...you so deserve this...love to you...coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs. .....Yahooo! for you!....girl you are kicking Benzo Beast butt. You give us all so much rahrah ..glad you have such a great support in your hubby. Have a wonderful time.  So glad you are in our little group of warriors. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Life, Nova, Lisa and Peace.    Wishing you windows today. ...I am still wavy, but less than in the past week. ..Lavender epsome salts hot bath soaks are again my go to to get though the day. I was feeling beaten down and weary until I read Buelah 's post....we are all going to get to the other side of this ....love love to you....coop

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

Lots going on in here, sorry some if you have been in these horrid waves. I feel blah again today and its very frustrating to me. I never feel really good, and I haven't felt my baseline go up since month 8, feels like I'm stuck in a plateau of not making any big improvements. I have seen some improvements in my sx  like my benzo belly has been gone for weeks, but now I have a ton of head pressure, headaches etc. I feel like I'm just trading one bad sx  for another-- just want them to go away. In a few days I will be 11 months out, and I was really hoping to see a jump in my baseline, but I'm still stuck in the blah phase. Let's hope we all start seeing some big improvements soon !! Mommy-- thanks you and your mom so much for the prayer, it means so much to me. Jenny

[[ga...]]

Jenny...sounds like mostly physical sxs you are dealing with.  I know they're tough to live with based on what you are writing.  I am sure as time goes on they will slowly improve.  This stuff really seems to cycle through windows and waves.  I have been complaining about the intrusive thoughts, negative thinking and sleep issues as of late. I just can't seem to shake them and it really is depressing. Sometimes I wish I was dealing with more physical issues rather than the mental ones.  It's all hard to accept but we will continue to improve, I'm sure, as time goes on.  Thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead!

[[pe...]]

Mrs- that is great news. You have such a great support in your husband. I'm glad you were able to make the journey together!

 

Jenny- I'm sorry you're in the gray zone. I'm either there or waving about. It's really a dreadful place to hang out for such a long time. I can pull out of it here and there if I get on a project I like or find a compelling show. I sure hope you get that boost of healing that will pop you out of the gray and into the light. Trading side effects is exhausting. Like Coop says, you are mighty. Amazing job during your sisters visit!

 

I've been really irritable and weepy which has my husband claiming that this wave is more hormones than withdrawal. He's pretty good at gauging that piece of the puzzle. The hormones combined with withdrawal combined with starting a new job in two days is taking its toll. I know sitting at home is not the best solution for me. Starting a new job was such a dumb idea! My old job was trying, but i had good friends there and I could muddle through. I thought I'd be better. I'm hoping it works out and is a wonderful distraction as I slog through the next year of healing. You all have said all the right things and I'm so appreciative of your support. I'm just in a place of doubt that nothing seems to get through. Doubting my ability to work, doubting my ability to get better.

 

Coop, Lisa, Nova, Life- you are each in my thoughts and prayers. We are going to be throwing up success stories in the next twelve months. Can't wait to read them! I'm hoping everyone is just that much better today.

 

Hi MommyR, beulah, HH and Greenice. How are you today?

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

"When I am wavy, I become very insecure and unable to gauge how my support system is looking at me.  Even with you peeps I feel an eye roll here and there and want to hide from the group after I type something.  This stuff plays all kinds of mental games with us."

MommyR

 

Mom, I thank you SO MUCH for sharing this.  I am plagued with the "play it back in my head and self edit" feature.  I  torment myself that I said something stupid, wrong, bad, etc.  And I spend many hours wishing I hadn't said anything at all.  I had this much worse earlier in w/d.  I think it's a mental s/x, a component of the social awkwardness I sometimes feel.  But, if others of us have it, it must be a s/x of w/d, and the best thing to do about s/x is not pay them too much mind (or they will eat you alive!)  Thank you

[[Gr...]]

Side note on the hair issue:

 

I called my sister about my hair because she has been a hair dresser all our lives (since she was 18).  She told me the Brazilian Blow out would get rid of the frizz but not make it healthy.  She said a good supplement to replenish hair is is Biotin.  A few of us on the boards suffer something called IC.  Vitamin C and B are huge offenders for this ailment, specifically Vit b6.  Biotin appears to be B7.  I know the w/d and prior to w/d I struggled getting enough vitamins.  Bone broth appears to be great for hair and complexion too.

 

My sister also had a client with spectacular hair,  whose child became sick.  The hair took a turn for brittle and dry from the stress.  So stress messes with 'wig' big time.

 

Anyways, I am going to give the biotin a shot unless anyone knows that it is and irritant. 

 

MommyR

 

Mommy, yes, the hair is very dry, huge issue.  I have to cover gray, and I've decided not to.  Girl looking at my hair said it wasn't damaged, just very dry.  On line it says don't kill yourself looking for products, just let the dry, damaged hair grow out, trim it frequently, and don't wash it too much, as little as possible, which makes sense because it feels better when it gets a little oily.  I guess the biotin would be for new hair growth?  I'll look into that.  I must be feeling better because I seem to care about my hair these days.

[[li...]]

Hi everyone a bit wavy here too. I am getting intraday windows - so that is good. I think I realise why depression is one of teh last symptoms. Foe me it is teh reality that I am going on 11 months on the 19th and I still am not feeling well. It like I am getting impatient. Lobotomy anyone?  In all sincereity I just think this process sucks! That's it -- it sucks. I mean I just spent 3-4 weeks in a window and the past few days I have been thinking of how miserable my life has become. Sorry for the negativity -- I know it will pass -- but just had to vent. Please God heal us all!

 

Life

[[Gr...]]

Life...I think your first post makes so much sense...we just don't know the whole answer to the " is this me..or w/d ?" question...time time time....and we are getting closer every day.

  .My wave leveled out today too ...feels like I might get my 70-75% baseline back. Some weird random. surges of fear and adrenaline that last only moments. Anxiety is talking in the background but I am functional.. I had a two hour sun break in which I felt absolutely normal and then it clouded over but still hovering right below baseline. My wave was about a week. I get tricked by these 6/7/8 day waves as I was pretty stable for a few weeks at baseline. ...Benzo Beast just doesn't want us to have any peace.....

......wishing everyone some sunbreaks. ...coop

 

Yes, Coop, I've had that 70-75% thing for almost a week.  I was afraid to talk about it for fear it would go away.  I know listening to you and Life that I will go back to some waves -- I have to, it's really the normal healing process that my body/brain needs to do until it's better.  But the fear is there, listening to you both, I know how bleak and frightening these waves are, we lose all perspective, think we're never going to get better.  Anyway, while I'm feeling rational, I'm tracking you both and thinking, damn, when that wave hits, it really takes us out for the count.  These people both have had good, long windows, they know they're getting better, and that damned benzo beast takes everything, there's just no way to soothe a person in a bad wave.  Peace and Freeof V, too, there's just no way to soothe or reassure a buddie in a bad wave.  I'm glad you're both feeling better.

[[Gr...]]

Nova - I'm trying to not engage as much approach, thus very quiet around here too.

 

I hope everyone feels much better.

 

I'm still feeling quite sick, biding time, doing writings in my journal, watching senseless television, exhausted, flu-like in pain all over and fearful I'll be sick like this.

 

L.

 

Hi all,

Hey Lisa, I had that terrible flu like symptom well into my ninth month. The further out I got the less pain it was. I don't have it at all now. My benzodiazepine brain also tried to make me think I would be stuck in the pain....lies, all lies.

My physical pain has lifted quite a bit the last couple of weeks.

Keep doing what your doing, it will get you thru this process.

Six to nine months were hard for me and then I started having some awesome healing windows. It went back and fourth for a while, but you will start feeling the healing soon, I promise.

Hugs to all and much healing.

 

Yes, Beaulah, I remember how sick you were, when I first came on.  And even though my s/x are different from yours and Lisa's, I really didn't catch a break until the end of the ninth month either, where I became certain I will get better.

[[Gr...]]

Mrs faced a fear tonight: Mrs traveled to a city 1 hr 15 minutes outside of her hometown tonight.

 

Facing fears has been something on my heart the past couple of months. Traveling is something I've been working diligently at. Tonight, I dove in feet first, on faith, prayer, and my beta blocker This afternoon leading up to it, I was pretty antsy. Once on the road, it was almost a relief, in anticipating travel. When we reached the halfway point, I felt a small "sting" And once again when we reached the city's outskirts. Mr did a wonderful job of keeping me busy and distracted on the travel down; having me look up cabin locations and rates for a future trip, as well as having me pick out some Christmas presents for family and friends (thank God for smart phones!) -- what a good man Once inside the city, we stopped at a nearby Hardee's for a potty break and to stretch our legs. I felt surreal as I surveyed the landscape -- I was HERE! Oh, WOW! I snapped a few pictures of the city limits welcome sign, and we were on our way home again. On the way back, Mr and I sat in silence and peace, enjoying the landscape and watching the sun set as we drove along. Oh, my body and brain were still a bit "buzzy" from anxiety and such, of course, but there was a satisfaction in knowing what I'd just done Once back in town again, I treated myself to my favorite no sugar added natural ice cream as a little congratulatory treat.

 

I think that this is the first fear I've faced where I could not see myself actually doing it beforehand.

 

A special note of thanks to another buddy Schatje: for making your four hour road trip to a cabin mini getaway only 3-4 days after jumping and in the heat of acute withdrawal. And also to Northofhere: for facing the benzo terror daily but never stopping living your life, which included: working full time with an hour commute each way, finishing grad school, traveling, eating normal, etc -- to you ladies, WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you. And, WOW!

 

I just wanted to share this with all of you here, my special buddies who have adopted me as one of your own so selflessly I am still traveling the journey each day, of course, but I wanted to share with you my day today Thank you for being here with me, and for showing your compassion each and every day

 

Take care buddies, and God bless; Mr and I are going to have a camp fire Until then,

 

Mrs.

 

Way to go, Mrs.  Life used to say when we overcome fear and anxiety, leave the house, go camping, whatever it is, we create new pathways in the brain, the brain actually learns that new behavior.  So good for you

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... spending the day muddling through this stuff ... seems it will last as long as it is going to last ... this is such an up and down process ... and I have almost made it through 10 months of this stuff ... and I am "better" than I was 10 months ago ... and we just keep adding one day after another until we have added enough days ...

 

I am alive and doing the best I can inside this "shell" of recovery ... some day it will crack open ... in the meantime ... enjoy the day as best I can ...

 

Wishing you all a "good" Sunday ...

[[ga...]]

I have heard about changes in the pathways in the brain.  My counselor says that is the goal to create new pathways.  Negative thinking and depressing thoughts holds that back.  I also understand time will allow new pathways to be created.  I am 13 months off now and still in need of acquiring those new pathways.  I get mired down in those negative, depressing thoughts.  I am getting out of my comfort zone this week, going to the mountains with my wife and daughter.  3 days in a cabin.  Yes, I am out of my comfort zone, but if it gives me some confidence and creates these new pathways all the better.