6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Peace, Jenny, Nova, Life, Coop -  Aaaaargh.  So sorry today isn't a window.  I will pull the rubber raft, so at least you don't have to paddle! Peace and Jenny - the kids won't remember any of this.  My 7 year old doesn't remember any of last year.  It you get a little short or cranky with the wee ones, walk into the back room.. hugs..

I took ibuprofen my entire taper.  Everyday I took 600mg.  Not recommending this, but I had no adverse reaction or maybe I was too sick to tell.  My body ached so bad, it was the only thing that got me thru benzo flu.  It worked really well for that.  Everyone is different.  Try tylenol first.  Who knew we would come to understand the 'one day at a time' thought process.  You can do it kids.  Some days you just 'survive'..right Nova.  It is grueling and hard to rally, but then suddenly things change.  I remember when my first child was born.  He suffered an intestinal disorder and would cry for a loooooooooong time.  After that 10 minutes of crying might as well of been 10 hours.  It rode my nerves.  This is how w/d goes.  You get a window, but s/x are unpleasant no matter what.  Even one minute of discomfort is too much sometimes.

 

I know my stuff tends to not be as severe anymore, but it's like HH said.  We wanted to be at this stage, but now that we are here we want to be further along.  If it helps, I had shades of the old me today.  I did something naturally I haven't seen since before this happened.

 

The old me liked to move stuff around every few months.. furniture, things on shelves, organize cupboards and closets, etc.  A place for everything and everything in it's place.  My husband would shake his head..haha..he never sees the order in the chaos! Three days ago I was doing the dishes and wiping counters.  We have a large cutting block table against on of the kitchen walls that stores appliances and has things sitting on top.  I found my self moving things around, rearranging plants and the coffee maker.  Putting the fruit basket on the table instead of the vase.  It was really little, but after I had done I wondered if it meant something. 

 

Today I needed to get school supplies (didn't get them all the other day) and snacks for when school starts.  After dropping my older child at VBS I took the three year old in tow and hit three big stores.  There was a moment in Trader Joes where panic hit, but all the stuff that was posted yesterday actually made me giggle inside (no cog fog today!).  I thought of those people going to work during taper and recovery.  I smiled because I knew it was w/d and didn't think anymore of it.  When I got home I went to a large cupboard we have, took everything out, discarded expired items and put everything back in it's appropriate container.  I organized the whole thing.  This might not seem big to everyone else, but I am a super detailed organizer.  I can put things away in an orderly fashion very quickly and enjoy doing so.  I haven't felt motivated to do this in a very long time.  I was doing it and it was the old me doing it.  Then I took the 3 year old to pick my 7 year old from VBS.  It was so normal and functional.  I didn't have to put on the happy song or talk myself into it.  I think that is a first! 

 

Yesterday I was lamenting my ability to do what needs to be done on a daily basis.  I really struggle with this because I am functional but not all the way there.  If I have 7 things on my plate that need to be done, I always drop 2 or 3 because it just isn't in me to do them.  Today everything got done with no extra thinking.. no 'rocket science' as Sky put it. 

 

Coop - I have read in tons of places where food caused adrenaline rushes.  Dr. Jennifer Leigh suffered from it too.  People also had adrenaline from eating eggs.. there is a chemical in it.. go figure!

 

MommyR

[[mr...]]

Coop,

 

I use the propranolol PRN 10mg tablets (sometimes I only use 1/4 or 1/2 tablet) and really am pleased with its results. Of course, you decide for you what is best I just wanted to let you know my experiences

 

Camping with Mr and friends this evening Take care buddies,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

Coop,

 

I use the propranolol PRN 10mg tablets (sometimes I only use 1/4 or 1/2 tablet) and really am pleased with its results. Of course, you decide for you what is best I just wanted to let you know my experiences

 

Camping with Mr and friends this evening Take care buddies,

 

Mrs.

 

Wow camping!!  Have fun Mrs!

[[Co...]]

Thanks Mrs

...I think I am being obssessive and silly...I am going to put on my brave and use the proprsnlol when I need to. I am now medication phobic. Having trouble accepting my s/x as w/d...yet..and still. This has been a week of feeling like acute again.

......We will get through it...we will all get through it...

[[mr...]]

Thanks Mrs

...I think I am being obssessive and silly...I am going to put on my brave and use the proprsnlol when I need to. I am now medication phobic. Having trouble accepting my s/x as w/d...yet..and still. This has been a week of feeling like acute again.

......We will get through it...we will all get through it...

 

I hear ya Coop. This morning, I had "fear" of seizures (WTH?!), then this afternoon I was "afraid" of panic attacks. Obsurd. Tonight, I've been feeling "frustration" and "fear" that I will "always be anxious and afraid". This process is...you know.

 

Sleep well, Coop. If you choose to use the propranolol, I am sure you will like the results Take care buddy 9-10 month wave = TOTALLY normal, IMO. It'll pass with a much higher baseline

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Thanks Mrs...I was just so lulled into having my waves be 24 hours.  and back to baseline...one day at a time.....sorry to hear that you have had a day of fear and anxiety...wishing you a better day tomorrow. ...camping...have a lovely time. ...coop

[[Gr...]]

I am underwater today. I just feel so sick and like I can't anymore. Up and down. It just won't end. How do we do this day after day, week after week, month after month?  Feeling defeated. Trying to hold on.

 

Peace2

 

O, Peace, I hate when people I care about are hurting.  This is the benzo despair.  You and Lisa are really stuggling, in the thick of it.  I KNOW HOW BAD IT IS.  I don't forget.  I swear when you come out of this you're going to feel amazing.  your body is working on itself rt now.  Don't forget, after terrible waves come amazing healing, and a super jump in your baseline.  this is going to be worth it.  wait and see

[[Gr...]]

Hi Jenny and Nova.  I understand how you feel.  It is tough but I commend you for carrying on even though it is so difficult.  You both are very strong and I am confident you will persevere  through this.  I am dealing with my own issues of hit and miss sleep and bouts of depression, especially in the early morning hours.  I don't understand how I can let my brain think such crazy thoughts.  Life is not as bad as I am making it out to be.  I do a great job of making myself depressed..no doubt about it.  I have been in this rut for a few weeks and just haven't managed to change my way of looking at things.  There has got to be hope and a better way to deal with this.  I have been told by my wife and counselor that I am NOT clinically depressed.  They call it situational since it comes and goes.  It stinks regardless.  My hope is it resolves shortly. I always wonder is this the new me or is it related to the long term use of these meds.

 

Garton this question highlighted above is truly the question that makes any of us who contemplate the question depressed. "Is this the new me? Am I damaged? Its been so long surely by now it can not be w/d?" I have been having these thoughts more than usual and I just got off of a 4 week window in which I was able to endure much stress and feel good -- go figure. The ups and downs of my condition have made me think. Lately I am googling "GAD and latest methods" et -- I have this week been pondering if something is wrong with me? Is your depression a deep, dark, hopeless type when it hits? Then it goes away? It is technically situational but I think its due to excessive stress and worry that then stimulated the mind to shut down - ie depression. I never get depressed unless I firts have a stressful situation.

 

The more I write this post the more I believe that this is just w/d -- but I must say it becomes harder to believe -- or just more difficult to withstand after doing this so much. I will get another window and I will overcome but the depression that I have experienced in this w/d is like no other and it is just difficult.

 

I know we will heal. Sorry if this sounds negative but I know that my perspective will change once the window comes.

 

Life

 

Life and Garton

 

This past month when I had the awful depression, I was feeling that dread, heaviness, depression, before I even opened my eyes in the morning.  it's like my brain was depressed while I was sleeping (whatever I do that passes for sleep.)  I truly believe this is the second phase of healing for many of us.  The first is primarily physical s/x, and the second part is mental.  Many, many people talk about this, that's why I think it's a s/x.  That's why it's so important to stay connected on the site, deal with the depression as a s/x and get support from others.  Depression is a tough s/x because it makes us feel isolated, so it's a constant battle to keep ahead of it.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Mrs...I was just so lulled into having my waves be 24 hours.  and back to baseline...one day at a time.....sorry to hear that you have had a day of fear and anxiety...wishing you a better day tomorrow. ...camping...have a lovely time. ...coop

 

Coop, I am so, so sorry you're feeling bad.  You're ahead of me so it's scaring me to death.  I just came out of something pretty bad.  But I do know that whatever you're going through, you're going to see a major improvement in your baseline when you come out of it.

 

Lately, when the anxiety and panic start to rise, I've been hooting and barking and yelling at it.  Sometimes it helps.  Maybe it's the act of expelling air, I don't know.  I know it feels really good to scream at it and curse at it.  Hoping I don't end up with Tourette's syndrome on top of withdrawal.

 

Feel better.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Mommy.  .so glad to hear that you are having such a good day....So good to be able to see each h other 's healing on a daily basis. 

....Green....thank you so much for all the encouragement you pour out on this page. You have come through hell.  and here you are holding up others. 

....Peace...I hear the desperation in your post...that is all we can do when we get hit hard...get to the next hour.  the next day...another month had passed and we are that much closer. ..love to you Peace. I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart.....coop

[[Co...]]

Green...don't be afraid...I am sure this is a bad wave and I think the trial of mclazine a d the week straight last week of atenolol has set me back. I know the atenolol made me depressed. Maybe the propranolol will be better....maybe my b/p will just fall into line and my head pressure will give up forever and the question of b/p meds will be a moot point.

.    Have a wonderful peaceful night dear friend..  ..coop

[[Mo...]]

Thanks Mrs...I was just so lulled into having my waves be 24 hours.  and back to baseline...one day at a time.....sorry to hear that you have had a day of fear and anxiety...wishing you a better day tomorrow. ...camping...have a lovely time. ...coop

 

Coop, I am so, so sorry you're feeling bad.  You're ahead of me so it's scaring me to death.  I just came out of something pretty bad.  But I do know that whatever you're going through, you're going to see a major improvement in your baseline when you come out of it.

 

Lately, when the anxiety and panic start to rise, I've been hooting and barking and yelling at it.  Sometimes it helps.  Maybe it's the act of expelling air, I don't know.  I know it feels really good to scream at it and curse at it.  Hoping I don't end up with Tourette's syndrome on top of withdrawal.

 

Feel better.

 

Green, this is exactly what I did, but I used scripture along with factual statements.  I spoke out loud to the lies and said the exact opposite of the lie.  I told the lies to my counselor and she told me to speak out the opposite.  We would write it down and I would have a script next to me for each fear/panic/depression/anxiety.  Some stuff was so disturbing I didn't want to give it any power.  It absolutely helped me. 

[[Mo...]]

Green...don't be afraid...I am sure this is a bad wave and I think the trial of mclazine a d the week straight last week of atenolol has set me back. I know the atenolol made me depressed. Maybe the propranolol will be better....maybe my b/p will just fall into line and my head pressure will give up forever and the question of b/p meds will be a moot point.

.    Have a wonderful peaceful night dear friend..  ..coop

 

Coop - I am so sorry.  Did I tell you I'm adding bone broth to our 'retreat'?  Then our skin and hair will be glowing instead of dry and brittle.  I am sure when this is done the b/p meds will be on the shelf for good.  I believe what Mrs. said.  All the people the doctors treated went back to normal.. even the protract folks.  This is going to go away forever one day. 

[[Mo...]]

Here is an article from Mad in America.  This lady became addicted to benzo's and is now off and healthy.  Ignore the supplement sales at the bottom.  The point is she takes no meds now and was on a ton:

 

http://www.madinamerica.com/2014/08/the-cocktail-party/

[[mr...]]

Here is an article from Mad in America.  This lady became addicted to benzo's and is now off and healthy.  Ignore the supplement sales at the bottom.  The point is she takes no meds now and was on a ton:

 

http://www.madinamerica.com/2014/08/the-cocktail-party/

 

Oooh, I like that

 

Thanks Mommy Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Good morning,

Thank you, friends for showing up yesterday. I can't say I feel much better this morning. I can't quite put my finger on what feels so wrong. I feel sick, head pressure, ear ringing, nausea. And I feel scared and weary. I'm trying to weather this.

 

Yesterday, we drove four hours to my father's lake house. I cried most of the way. My sister drove 20 hours from her home to be here. I am so discouraged by her lack of empathy. She's supported me through a lot of this from afar, but in the last six months her interest has waned. She knows I'm struggling but wants to talk about frivolous things and is consumed with her silly dogs. I am making myself feel worse because of it.

 

I'm hoping this wave is related to hormones and will pass. It's plausible. These things pass, right? This whole thing is going to pass. Right now, it's hard to be sure.

 

Coop, I'm riding with you and the gang. Mostly just flopping around the bottom of the raft like a big wet noodle. There is a bit of giving up in me, just a bit.

 

I hope Coop, Life, Nova, Lisa and everyone else are seeing some relief. Mrs. R- the elephant comment resonated with me. Except, who wants to eat an elephant!?! ... Who wants to go through this recovery? This is recovery, right? I'm not getting crazier?

 

Thank you, mommyR for pulling us so we don't have to paddle. I imagine Green is right there with you helping to navigate us through this choppy water. I'm glad MommyR you had that glimpse of your happily organizing self. I love it when those glimmers shine through.

 

Peace2

 

 

[[Co...]]

Dear Peace....I was so relieved to know that my s/x are in sync with you.  not that I find any comfort at all in knowing that anyone is suffering. Having said that....When my s/x match up with other buddies it tells me that it is w;d for ALL of us. I am always so convinced that it is my heart.my brain...permanent depression et. etc. I think it was Life who taught me the trick of thinking," we couldn't all be dying of heart attacks.  strokes...depression...anxiety at the same time,". The most reasonable explanation is w/d...even in months 6-12. The people in this group who are closing in on a year are reporting great improvement.. in spite of intermittent wavy days. I am casting my lot with them. Peace, me too....feeling a little of the giving up...but what is giving up? Going back on a an anti-anxiewty? ...That is not an option for me. I have to keep moving forward but I will say I feel pretty stuck. Riding the wave on the bottom of the river raft with you.

....On the upside...my head pressure was less this morning...my b/p was 160/80 but within 20 minutes it was 125/75 I have been focusing away from it at this point. My palps are much much quieter. I am hoping my physician will acknowledge this and agree to using the prsopranolol on as needed basis...I think it gives me side effects. After I stabilize I will try adding 200-300 mg of magnesium glyconate to my smoothie in the mornings.  Green also suggested Roobios tea for calming. ...

......Peace ...we are going to be ok...I know this is w/d for both of us...go easy on yourself..let the raft carry you and know that we are all supporting you...love to you friend...coop

 

[[li...]]

Hi everyone. I am feeling a bit better today but still in my "Is this me or is it w/d" mode. I finally came to the conclusion that I will never know -- but by giving this process 14- 18 months I will know better then if what I am experiencing now is w/d or not. I cannot figure out now what is w/d ... I just have to trust in the process and see I feel at 14 months and then maybe 18 months.

 

God bless all. We are healing!

 

Life

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Peace - I am soooo sorry!  Four hours in a car...eek!  With kids?... double eek!  Trapped at the lake with yapping dogs, squealing kids and people who want to relax while YOU watch YOUR KIDS playing in dangerous waters..ugh.. That was a part of my vacation reality.  Luckily, my FIL had recently gone thru the W/D process and came to me privately saying I could escape to the bedroom anytime and for how long I needed.  Would that help?  Can hubby let you escape to the bedroom?  Download Netflix on your phone and watch a Nick program.  Maybe the hunky guy will be there?!?!  This is pure w/d.  Ear ringing, nausea, something isn't right, etc.  Too many s/x not to be w/d. 

 

When I am wavy, I become very insecure and unable to gauge how my support system is looking at me.  Even with you peeps I feel an eye roll here and there and want to hide from the group after I type something.  This stuff plays all kinds of mental games with us.  My MIL who saw a lot of my withdrawal has said foolish things purely out of misunderstanding, but she will absolutely talk to me about stuff if I need her too.  I am sure if your sister understood 6 months ago, she will understand now...  She loves you very much.  This is also hard for family not living in the heat of it with you to believe w/d is still going on.  Also, sometimes the family member doesn't know how to 'continue' talking about the same thing over and over.  I talk about this a lot.  They have their own problems and don't understand the intensity we feel.  The only reason my mom can handle me is because I have her tell me stories about herself.  Even then she has to pick and choose to make sure I don't freak out. 

 

When people who know my situation ask how I am I say, 'It's still part of my reality' and wait to see if they want to hear more.  Your sister might be oblivious to the fact it's still such a struggle.  My sis has nooooooooooooooooo clue....... My cousin does, but she keeps me at arms length sometimes.  This requires those around us to be strong.  This morning I was sure my husband and I were growing apart... especially after waking up with Bozo the Clown hair!!!.. 'hey baby'.. don't I look good??... ugh!!!  Kinda funny.. my husband promptly looked up a 'Brazilian Blow-out' treatment for me on Groupon..hahaha. He's cool like that.. 

 

I know your sister loves you cares about your situation.  It's going to be ok.  We love you Peace!!!

 

Coop - Yes, it is a comfort to see others on the same pace.  I used to outrigger canoe and remember what it was like to see the boats far and near. I would wonder where my team was in the pack.  No matter what place, we would power in.  I swear to the God in heaven we always took 1st or 2nd place.  I learned a huge lesson those years.  No matter where you think you are in the 'race'.. Winning is always a possibility.  The good news for us is we just need to finish. 

 

MommyR

[[No...]]

Good Day Folks ... trying to find something "positive" in this, something "constructive" to say ... and for me right now there just isn't anything ... "empty" ...

 

So ... as I have done 6,421 times already ... I am just doing nothing ... had a lousy night's sleep ... pressure all over the place ... twitches, zaps, and numbness ... even the boatiness showed up ... so okay ... just do your thing ... tap me on the should if you need my attention ... I am going to do jigsaw puzzles until this passes ...

 

I don't even have the energy to be upset ... if I have to do this for another 6 months or another year ... okay ... I will ... and I am not taking that drug again ... no matter what ... I can be as stubborn and bull-headed and nasty as these symptoms ... and not even that helps at all ... so why bother ...

 

So, you can have my body ... do what needs to be done ... call me when it is over ... I will pick up what is left and move on ...

 

For a while right now I just need to stop giving this stuff any attention ... it is driving me bonkers ... I will fake what I can and stick my head in the sand when I can't fake it ...

 

The "positive" here is that I just have to keep renewing my acceptance and renewing my non-attachment to any specific outcome ... it will be what it is going to be ... my worrying about it doesn't amount to a hill of beans ...

 

To all of us who are suffering this sickness I hear you and I am sorry we are suffering ... and all I can say is just put it all out on the table and walk away for a while ... I guess I am saying "non-engagement" is another response to this sickness ...

 

Take Care ...

 

[[Mo...]]

Good Day Folks ... trying to find something "positive" in this, something "constructive" to say ... and for me right now there just isn't anything ... "empty" ...

 

So ... as I have done 6,421 times already ... I am just doing nothing ... had a lousy night's sleep ... pressure all over the place ... twitches, zaps, and numbness ... even the boatiness showed up ... so okay ... just do your thing ... tap me on the should if you need my attention ... I am going to do jigsaw puzzles until this passes ...

 

I don't even have the energy to be upset ... if I have to do this for another 6 months or another year ... okay ... I will ... and I am not taking that drug again ... no matter what ... I can be as stubborn and bull-headed and nasty as these symptoms ... and not even that helps at all ... so why bother ...

 

So, you can have my body ... do what needs to be done ... call me when it is over ... I will pick up what is left and move on ...

 

For a while right now I just need to stop giving this stuff any attention ... it is driving me bonkers ... I will fake what I can and stick my head in the sand when I can't fake it ...

 

The "positive" here is that I just have to keep renewing my acceptance and renewing my non-attachment to any specific outcome ... it will be what it is going to be ... my worrying about it doesn't amount to a hill of beans ...

 

To all of us who are suffering this sickness I hear you and I am sorry we are suffering ... and all I can say is just put it all out on the table and walk away for a while ... I guess I am saying "non-engagement" is another response to this sickness ...

 

Take Care ...

 

 

Hi Nova- Completely agree with you about 'walking' away from it.  Take a break from the boards or do what you need to for a taste of normality if you can. 

 

I am so sorry everyone.  I did prayer for everyone last night.  My husband and I said everyone's name, so if you can't pray for yourself then know someone else did it for you.  Remember what Mrs and Green said:

 

A refresher course for those of us in waves:

 

What does recovery look like?

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor Heather Ashton, 2002

 

COURSE OF WITHDRAWAL

 

“During benzodiazepine withdrawal, symptoms characteristically wax and wane, varying in severity and type from day to day, week to week, and even during the course of a day. Some symptoms come and go; others may take their place. There is no need to be discouraged by these wave - like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes. Typically “Windows” of normality, when you feel positively well for a few hours or days, appear after some weeks; gradually the “Windows” become more frequent and last longer, while any intervening discomfort ebbs away.”

 

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

Back to basics.

 

BTW... just broke out in a sweat...aaaaargh

 

Hugs for everyone..

[[Mo...]]

Side note on the hair issue:

 

I called my sister about my hair because she has been a hair dresser all our lives (since she was 18).  She told me the Brazilian Blow out would get rid of the frizz but not make it healthy.  She said a good supplement to replenish hair is is Biotin.  A few of us on the boards suffer something called IC.  Vitamin C and B are huge offenders for this ailment, specifically Vit b6.  Biotin appears to be B7.  I know the w/d and prior to w/d I struggled getting enough vitamins.  Bone broth appears to be great for hair and complexion too.

 

My sister also had a client with spectacular hair,  whose child became sick.  The hair took a turn for brittle and dry from the stress.  So stress messes with 'wig' big time.

 

Anyways, I am going to give the biotin a shot unless anyone knows that it is and irritant. 

 

MommyR

[[li...]]

Ok, here I go with the "looney bin post"... I no longer think that all my symptoms are "me" I right now, this moment, absolutely think that my symptoms are "w/d". Why? Well...it's pretty simple.... I caught a window. I am thinking straight right now. My fears are not that big right now. I am thinking of possitive things. I just socilaised with a house full of people and felt better "not worse" when I left -- Go figure! Now, what does this prove? Absolutely that this process is bound to make you metaphorically "nuts". I am thinking 100% different right now than I was 24 hours ago. How long did this wave last -- 8 full days! I praying this window sticks and we move on. I am feeling really relaxed just now and just 8 hours ago I was wondering if I was going to make it -- If I was somehow messed up? This w/d is by far the most cruel experience that anyone can go through. I just had a friend loose a your 14 year old daughter and I am feeling so much for them.... but the thought passes my mind that w/d must be as bad. What an experience w/d is ladies and gentleman. What an experience!

 

Life

[[...]]

Hello all! I'm sorry Peace, Nova, and Mommy, that you are having a difficult time...May relief come quickly!

 

Life, how wonderful for your window, and how it brings clarity, huh?

 

My husband and I are still on the coast! Yesterday morning was rough, but the day brought improvement! This morning was great, but this afternoon has brought some anxiety! Grrr...it just needs to go and stop taunting me!!

 

Every time it makes me loop on the thoughts that bother me I sing happy songs in my head! It seems to help!! Funny, but helps!

 

I pray for improvement for everyone!!

 

:smitten:

[[Co...]]

Life...I think your first post makes so much sense...we just don't know the whole answer to the " is this me..or w/d ?" question...time time time....and we are getting closer every day.

  .My wave leveled out today too ...feels like I might get my 70-75% baseline back. Some weird random. surges of fear and adrenaline that last only moments. Anxiety is talking in the background but I am functional.. I had a two hour sun break in which I felt absolutely normal and then it clouded over but still hovering right below baseline. My wave was about a week. I get tricked by these 6/7/8 day waves as I was pretty stable for a few weeks at baseline. ...Benzo Beast just doesn't want us to have any peace.....

......wishing everyone some sunbreaks. ...coop