6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Mrs....what an amazing post with all the links to creditable info on w/d....thank you so much. ..coop

[[mr...]]

Peace,

 

Love this phrase: how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time I commit to work my job today. That's it -- no more. One day at a time.

 

Here are some buddies you might enjoy knowing about:

 

Carlover quit 1.5mg (I think?) Xanax cold turkey, and continued to work full time at a high stress job, all the while getting promoted through it all. His main symptoms were anxiety and muscle pain (and some others I'm not recalling currently), if I'm remembering correctly.

 

Sophia tapered off of 3mg (I think?) Lorazepam and continued to work as a fulltime grade school music teacher (talk about NOISE!! LOL). Her main symptoms were high & constant anxiety, fear, irrational fears, nausea, and food sensitivities (again, if I'm remembering correctly).

 

Northofhere tried tapering twice, and then cold-turkied the third & final time and (get this! continued to work full time, with an hour one way commute, go to grad school, travel, etc. The reason why I love this story so much was that her main symptoms were fear, anxiety, terror, irrational fears, etc. Her posts from back then really show her challenges. Amazing

 

I love theses stories so much!

 

I hope you have a good night Take care buddy

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

A lots been going on here and I've been at work and soccer practice

My brain is mush, feels like total sludge in there. I don't know how else to explain it. My mood is decent and I don't feel anxious. I feel like my thought process, my reaction time is soooooo slow. Starting this new job, teaching feels like a joke. Like who am I kidding? Well, I'm trying to fool everyone, but I'm not buying it. My therapist said I have to tell my new boss! Ugh. She said I have to stop living my life as if things are ok when they're not. She said I could choose how much to divulge but I needed to let the boss lady know that I had a bad reaction to a medication and am still recovering. This feels, telling the truth - admitting I'm struggling, this feels like a Herculean task. But I know it would be good and brave. I just have to do it. What are your thoughts?

 

HH- I am appreciating all of your posts. Did you teach while cognitively challenged? Did you teach with mush brain and make it through? I'm exhausted with the littlest decision, the briefest conversation.

I am thinking of you all. Nova. Coop. Green. Life. Lisa. Jenny. Mrs. Mommy. HH.

I'll be back with more of a response to your posts if I find more energy. I am just empty.

 

Peace2

 

Hi Peace!

Yes, I did.  How?  That I'm not sure, other than I truly believe that people have NO CLUE as to what is going on inside us during this w/d recovery process.  There were times when I couldn't remember specific terms, or simple answers to math problems.  Luckily, I could always get out of it somehow.  I remember one time I was teaching 3-digit by 2-digit multiplication and could NOT remember a multiplication fact that was needed to solve this particular problem.  It was completely blank, I couldn't even think of a number that it would be close to!  I just went with it and asked the students "who can tell me what number I put here"....hands went up around the room and I got my answer to continue on with that problem.  To the outside observer it probably looked like a good teaching moment, but to me it was sheer terror that I was losing my mind because I could not remember 8x7. 

On bad days, I would put little sticky notes in my teacher's manuals that had terms that I knew I'd have trouble with.  It was always little detail-type things that I would struggle with, not large concepts. 

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

The lack of sleep is getting to me.  What's even more upsetting are these hot flashes and a phobia that has decided to come back and stay.  My mom is trying to comfort me saying it could be menopause..which is NOT a comfort in anyway.  If menopause causes these types of thoughts then I don't want it.  This is confusing because there is no funk on me. 

 

I took the tylenol and codeine for two nights, but stopped because you know how I hate taking meds.  I'm scared guys.  I'm looking back over my symptoms.  I usually have solid ends to waves.  Very solid returns to normal.  I know we say this over and over, but is this me? 

 

Somebody said if I have to ask then it's not me, but I want to know if anyone else has these hot flashes.  They haven't stopped since vacation.  Because these w/d s/x mimic other ailments, I don't know how to think about it.  I have had my hormones checked many times, but I don't think that is a sure sign of menopause.  I want my mind back.  Why do we wake with these thoughts?  Is there a reason? 

 

Last night was up at 1am and turned the tv on.. then at 3am sharp I was laying on my stomach and felt the hot flash run thru me and then the thoughts.  I couldn't believe it was 3am on the nose.  Then lay there until 5am... I looked back thru my threads and see there was a time of normal sleep.  I'm pretty sure I was fine before vacation.  I know I was sleeping.   

 

I just want a break.  Do I call this a wave or what.  I read the Ashton thing Green put .. a symptom is just that.. a symptom.. but is this me or 'it'?  I hot flash all day. It's in the surface of my skin.  I remember doing this during taper.  Everyone kept saying menopause and I wanted to slap them. 

 

The thought process for me is that I broke something in my brain and it isn't fixing.  I found wonderful victory in certain aspects.  Absolute undeniable victory regarding certain circumstances of the w/d process.  It's this low lying stuff.  Things that you think to yourself..'well, others live with this or that..maybe I have to live with something low lying.'  It's seemingly so small you wonder if God will bother with it.  He has definite come to my rescue at times during this.  But what about this little/big stuff.  This phobia that makes it hard to go in the kitchen. What about these passing thoughts.  Is it more of the same just in a lower way? 

 

HH- Any help here?

 

Ok.. need to go to the dentist for teeth cleaning.  I do not want to go..AT ALL. Don't want to go.. Don't want to go..  I am not happy right now.

 

MommyR

 

Hi MommyR,

I would get hot flashes too.  They were usually connected with what seemed like a cortisol wave, and almost always accompanied with a rush of anxiety and the need to Move. Right. NOW.  I would get them throughout the day, but my worst ones were in the early, early morning hours...3:00, 4:00. 

This goes away, it truly does.  I think this is simply yet another obnoxious withdrawal symptom. 

My sleep used to be TERRIBLE.  Much of my progress log was devoted to tracking my sleep.  I would almost always wake up with a hot flash and a rush of horribleness at 4, and often it would be every 2 hours from midnight on.  I can now sleep peacefully and it is bliss!  I can wake up in the middle of the night and fall back to sleep without difficulty.  The best thing of all?  I can SLEEP IN in the mornings if I want to!!!    Sleep is a thing that I look forward to when I'm tired now, whereas I used to dread it so much.  I remember being almost in tears because I was so very tired but I knew that I would be waking up in a sweat-soaked panic in just a few short hours. Now when I'm really tired, I'm feel such peace and contentment with climbing into bed. 

You will get to this good place, too. 

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

The lack of sleep is getting to me.  What's even more upsetting are these hot flashes and a phobia that has decided to come back and stay.  My mom is trying to comfort me saying it could be menopause..which is NOT a comfort in anyway.  If menopause causes these types of thoughts then I don't want it.  This is confusing because there is no funk on me. 

 

I took the tylenol and codeine for two nights, but stopped because you know how I hate taking meds.  I'm scared guys.  I'm looking back over my symptoms.  I usually have solid ends to waves.  Very solid returns to normal.  I know we say this over and over, but is this me? 

 

Somebody said if I have to ask then it's not me, but I want to know if anyone else has these hot flashes.  They haven't stopped since vacation.  Because these w/d s/x mimic other ailments, I don't know how to think about it.  I have had my hormones checked many times, but I don't think that is a sure sign of menopause.  I want my mind back.  Why do we wake with these thoughts?  Is there a reason? 

 

Last night was up at 1am and turned the tv on.. then at 3am sharp I was laying on my stomach and felt the hot flash run thru me and then the thoughts.  I couldn't believe it was 3am on the nose.  Then lay there until 5am... I looked back thru my threads and see there was a time of normal sleep.  I'm pretty sure I was fine before vacation.  I know I was sleeping.   

 

I just want a break.  Do I call this a wave or what.  I read the Ashton thing Green put .. a symptom is just that.. a symptom.. but is this me or 'it'?  I hot flash all day. It's in the surface of my skin.  I remember doing this during taper.  Everyone kept saying menopause and I wanted to slap them. 

 

The thought process for me is that I broke something in my brain and it isn't fixing.  I found wonderful victory in certain aspects.  Absolute undeniable victory regarding certain circumstances of the w/d process.  It's this low lying stuff.  Things that you think to yourself..'well, others live with this or that..maybe I have to live with something low lying.'  It's seemingly so small you wonder if God will bother with it.  He has definite come to my rescue at times during this.  But what about this little/big stuff.  This phobia that makes it hard to go in the kitchen. What about these passing thoughts.  Is it more of the same just in a lower way? 

 

HH- Any help here?

 

Ok.. need to go to the dentist for teeth cleaning.  I do not want to go..AT ALL. Don't want to go.. Don't want to go..  I am not happy right now.

 

MommyR

 

Hi MommyR,

I would get hot flashes too.  They were usually connected with what seemed like a cortisol wave, and almost always accompanied with a rush of anxiety and the need to Move. Right. NOW.  I would get them throughout the day, but my worst ones were in the early, early morning hours...3:00, 4:00. 

This goes away, it truly does.  I think this is simply yet another obnoxious withdrawal symptom. 

My sleep used to be TERRIBLE.  Much of my progress log was devoted to tracking my sleep.  I would almost always wake up with a hot flash and a rush of horribleness at 4, and often it would be every 2 hours from midnight on.  I can now sleep peacefully and it is bliss!  I can wake up in the middle of the night and fall back to sleep without difficulty.  The best thing of all?  I can SLEEP IN in the mornings if I want to!!!    Sleep is a thing that I look forward to when I'm tired now, whereas I used to dread it so much.  I remember being almost in tears because I was so very tired but I knew that I would be waking up in a sweat-soaked panic in just a few short hours. Now when I'm really tired, I'm feel such peace and contentment with climbing into bed. 

You will get to this good place, too. 

 

HH - You have described the exact times i wake up and what I go thru.  Thank you for the reassurance.  I am so grateful to you for telling me.  I needed to hear what you wrote.  Thank you  Thank you

[[Mo...]]

Peace,

 

Love this phrase: how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time I commit to work my job today. That's it -- no more. One day at a time.

 

Here are some buddies you might enjoy knowing about:

 

Carlover quit 1.5mg (I think?) Xanax cold turkey, and continued to work full time at a high stress job, all the while getting promoted through it all. His main symptoms were anxiety and muscle pain (and some others I'm not recalling currently), if I'm remembering correctly.

 

Sophia tapered off of 3mg (I think?) Lorazepam and continued to work as a fulltime grade school music teacher (talk about NOISE!! LOL). Her main symptoms were high & constant anxiety, fear, irrational fears, nausea, and food sensitivities (again, if I'm remembering correctly).

 

Northofhere tried tapering twice, and then cold-turkied the third & final time and (get this! continued to work full time, with an hour one way commute, go to grad school, travel, etc. The reason why I love this story so much was that her main symptoms were fear, anxiety, terror, irrational fears, etc. Her posts from back then really show her challenges. Amazing

 

I love theses stories so much!

 

I hope you have a good night Take care buddy

 

Mrs.

 

Oh man.. do I feel wimpy!  Those are some super over achievers.  What wonderful examples of possibilities during this process.  Mrs- Good job on posting this.  You and Green are on it today!!  I love stuff like this and the video Peace posted.  So good.. soothes my soul...

[[He...]]

Hi Buddies!

 

There has been a lot going on.  I just read through all the accounts from yesterday and today.  This is such a wonderful group!  All the encouragement, the shared stories, the connections, the sympathy, the understanding.  This is the only place I visit on BB....I don't even seem to make it to my own progress log anymore! 

 

I had a great day today.  It was spent in my classroom working on projects and visiting with a wonderful colleague.  I made a super cute baseball themed job chart for my room and got some other things done.  I seem to be out of my mini-wave from the past several days, and I was totally symptom free.  No chest anxiety, no regular anxiety, no weirdness ANYwhere.  It was so wonderful to feel normal!

 

This really does end.  You really WILL heal and feel good again.  I will keep telling you that because I know how much I needed to hear it when I was 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, even 11 months out.  There is an end to this cave.  If I'm not out of it completely, I'm standing right near the mouth.  It is beautiful here.  Trust me. 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... fell asleep again at 6:30 PM ... another good 7 hours ... and I missed the posts again last night ... sorry ... and we are where we are on this journey and we do what we do ...

 

What a wonderful group we are ... some days some vent, some encourage, some sleep ( ), and then we change places depending on where we are that day ... multi-tasking on the benzo see-saw ...

 

I am "okay" ... seem to be in a place of lousy late mornings and afternoons ... and then some release and sleep ... and usually pretty good early mornings ...

 

Hope your Friday is a good one ...

[[...]]

Nova, how wonderful that you fell asleep! Nice to get good sleep whenever we can!!

 

You are correct about this being such a wonderful group!!

 

[[je...]]

Good morning nova and gmit! Yes, we are like our own little family here on BB and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you. 

[[Mo...]]

Nova - It's good to know someone is getting sleep around here!  I miss seeing you 'on', but every morning I get up and let the sun I know Nova got it first!  I need to catch up on your blog.  Can't wait to see what 'wisdom' our 'yoda' (got rid of jedi for you) has for the day.. hehe

[[pe...]]

I am underwater today. I just feel so sick and like I can't anymore. Up and down. It just won't end. How do we do this day after day, week after week, month after month?  Feeling defeated. Trying to hold on.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... I too am sick today ... came on again late this morning ... all I can say is we are not "defeated" ... I am sitting here racking my brain ... what can I do to slow this down or make it go away ... round and round ... and I cannot do anything ... not a helplessness ... rather "do" nothing ... just ride it out and hold on ... same thing I have been doing for a long time ...

 

I too am tired of hearing it ... day after day ... and I will not go back ... so all I can do is find something to distract me for a while ... just plain old weathering ... I even feel out of positive "ammunition" today ... worrying can I do this another winter ... and I can if I have to ... I just don't "want" to ...

 

 

 

[[je...]]

Peace-- I feel this way too and as nova so wisely said what else can we do, but just keep moving forward. I sometimes get this desperate trapped in my body feeling like I can't escape the discomfort and there is nothing I can do. No pills to take, no vitamin that will help, no Dr that can help-- just trapped. We are all in this together, and one day that trapped feeling will be gone. We have to accept and trust the process. Please keep holding on. Big hugs, jenny

[[No...]]

Jenny ... "trapped" ... I keep spinning around ... walking around ... looking out the windows ... looking for something I have "missed" ... and there is nothing ... a severe case of "I don't wanna" today ...

[[ga...]]

Hi Jenny and Nova.  I understand how you feel.  It is tough but I commend you for carrying on even though it is so difficult.  You both are very strong and I am confident you will persevere  through this.  I am dealing with my own issues of hit and miss sleep and bouts of depression, especially in the early morning hours.  I don't understand how I can let my brain think such crazy thoughts.  Life is not as bad as I am making it out to be.  I do a great job of making myself depressed..no doubt about it.  I have been in this rut for a few weeks and just haven't managed to change my way of looking at things.  There has got to be hope and a better way to deal with this.  I have been told by my wife and counselor that I am NOT clinically depressed.  They call it situational since it comes and goes.  It stinks regardless.  My hope is it resolves shortly.  I always wonder is this the new me or is it related to the long term use of these meds.

[[pe...]]

Thank you Jenny and Nova. I will see this through for another hour.... And another hour after that. Trapped, spinning, looking for an answer  besides time. Head pressure, squeezing. Does anything help? Ibruprophen?

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

I take ibuprofen sometimes if its really bothering me and sometimes it helps other times not, but I never have an adverse reaction to it.

[[...]]

I'm so sorry you are not feeling well Peace, Jenny, and Nova! I pray for relief for each of you!

 

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

 

[[li...]]

Hi Jenny and Nova.  I understand how you feel.  It is tough but I commend you for carrying on even though it is so difficult.  You both are very strong and I am confident you will persevere  through this.  I am dealing with my own issues of hit and miss sleep and bouts of depression, especially in the early morning hours.  I don't understand how I can let my brain think such crazy thoughts.  Life is not as bad as I am making it out to be.  I do a great job of making myself depressed..no doubt about it.  I have been in this rut for a few weeks and just haven't managed to change my way of looking at things.  There has got to be hope and a better way to deal with this.  I have been told by my wife and counselor that I am NOT clinically depressed.  They call it situational since it comes and goes.  It stinks regardless.  My hope is it resolves shortly. I always wonder is this the new me or is it related to the long term use of these meds.

 

Garton this question highlighted above is truly the question that makes any of us who contemplate the question depressed. "Is this the new me? Am I damaged? Its been so long surely by now it can not be w/d?" I have been having these thoughts more than usual and I just got off of a 4 week window in which I was able to endure much stress and feel good -- go figure. The ups and downs of my condition have made me think. Lately I am googling "GAD and latest methods" et -- I have this week been pondering if something is wrong with me? Is your depression a deep, dark, hopeless type when it hits? Then it goes away? It is technically situational but I think its due to excessive stress and worry that then stimulated the mind to shut down - ie depression. I never get depressed unless I firts have a stressful situation.

 

The more I write this post the more I believe that this is just w/d -- but I must say it becomes harder to believe -- or just more difficult to withstand after doing this so much. I will get another window and I will overcome but the depression that I have experienced in this w/d is like no other and it is just difficult.

 

I know we will heal. Sorry if this sounds negative but I know that my perspective will change once the window comes.

 

Life

[[it...]]

Ibprofin is on the list of adverse reaction meds in bx WD. I'm surprised so many have not looked at these! And aspirin certain ones have this. Tylenol or acetaminophen is the better bet here.

[[li...]]

Peace my dear friend. How much I just want you to be happy and completely out of this stuff. I know how hard the depression can feel -- when It hits me I am just really hurt. Now my mind is thinking it will not go away -- just like it hasn't?NOT!! It does go away. I know that the mind is just plain tired of all this Bull @S%^! Please hang in there with us. Healing is on our way.

 

I think I have to take a mental inventory of my symptoms now and compare to my symptoms 3 months ago. That always helps me allot. You see progress when you look back months.

 

We are truly healing! You all are like family!

 

 

Life

[[pe...]]

I will try some Tylenol. Ear ringing and feel very unwell.  Not sure I am depressed, but so tired. I am being absolutely snappy with my poor kids. I just feel like I can't take it. I hope relief for all of us.

It's funny to read posts from people who have just jumped. They're so excited, as was I. And here we are all these months later. I hope we're closer.

Peace2

[[No...]]

Peace ... I have had no issues with ibuprofen ... and I don't use it much ... only for aches after a day of being boxed about ... can't say it does anything for ear pressure ...

 

Yeah ... reading the Jumpers thread ... all that enthusiasm ... feel like an old man watching kids in the playground ...

 

Well I am still awake today ... but probably not for long ...

 

Have a good evening folks ... we just have to be patient a while longer ...

 

[[Co...]]

Ok...Nova...Peace...Jenny and Life....I am exactly in the same stinkin ' place. I put the blocked board away and went to the General Store and got the biggest rubber raft they had....hop on board....hold on tight...we are going to make it to year one ...we ARE going to make it to year one...

.....Life I am in a very similar place as you, except trade depression for anxiety. One week ago I was feeling 70-75% each day ...not full blown window but functional and looking forward.

..This week! ...I am back in acute...seriously..acute...head pressure..elevated b/p...panics ( momentary panics... 3-4 times a day) I have not had this panic for months. I am scared silly.  Like Life ( and every single person going through w/d I think there is something permenently wrong and I am going to die...seriously). I wake up in the morning with pounding heart and fear. This has been clearing up in the last 3 months...now it is back.

....This is my question : ...My doctor wanted me to go on to propranolol for b/p spikes but agreed to a trial of daily Mclazine ( its like hydroxine)...I take it am and pm...12 mg each time. This feels exactly like interdose s/x and acute. I am wondering if the mclazine is the problem...it is an antagonistic at H1 receptors ..obviously crosses the blood brain barrier...6 hr. half life..dopamine receptors on D1. and D2 ...Hoping anyone knows if this drug is like a benzo because I feel exactly like I did in acute at month 2.5...My alternative is to ho onto the propranolol which also crosses the brain/blood barrier and acts on epinepherine and seratonin...in rat studies the rats became as addicted to propranolol as they did to cocaine. It is an indirect B antagonist...I know I am obssessing.  The mclazine or hydroxine seems like the lesser of 2 evils...what I want is to take nothing.

.......Sorry buddies for the hysterical rant ...I really cant believe this is happening...

......Life...Nova...Peace..and Jenny...I am in this with you today and thinking of you...holding you in my heart...wanting all of us to be so done....I wont give up if you don't...you guys are my life line...

BTW....just a question...does this sound familiar to anyone?: ....surges of adrenalin when eating?...didn't even have that in acute

....thanks dear friends...coop

...

....