6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

peace I have always thought that you will do better at teaching than you think. I think that work will add structure to your life and in turn help the healing process. It will distract you. I would say that you should first see if you are doing well at work -- if so why tell if you do not want to? If not you can tell that you may be struggling but that you will get better. You will be surprised at how understanding people are.

When do you start work? Next week?

 

Life

[[Gr...]]

A lots been going on here and I've been at work and soccer practice

My brain is mush, feels like total sludge in there. I don't know how else to explain it. My mood is decent and I don't feel anxious. I feel like my thought process, my reaction time is soooooo slow. Starting this new job, teaching feels like a joke. Like who am I kidding? Well, I'm trying to fool everyone, but I'm not buying it. My therapist said I have to tell my new boss! Ugh. She said I have to stop living my life as if things are ok when they're not. She said I could choose how much to divulge but I needed to let the boss lady know that I had a bad reaction to a medication and am still recovering. This feels, telling the truth - admitting I'm struggling, this feels like a Herculean task. But I know it would be good and brave. I just have to do it. What are your thoughts?

 

HH- I am appreciating all of your posts. Did you teach while cognitively challenged? Did you teach with mush brain and make it through? I'm exhausted with the littlest decision, the briefest conversation.

 

I am thinking of you all. Nova. Coop. Green. Life. Lisa. Jenny. Mrs. Mommy. HH.

I'll be back with more of a response to your posts if I find more energy. I am just empty.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, that mush brain, for me that's severe cog fog.  It feels almost like I'm blind, or have tunnel vision, peering out of my brain, no peripheral vision, and, yes, no, the brain does not work.  Thing is, that evaporates in one day.  we just don't know what day.  Would that make w/d easier, if we had a schedule letting us know which days not to bother leaving the house. 

 

As far as letting the job know, this is a new job?  What grade are you teaching?

[[Gr...]]

Peace,

 

Can't you wait and see how you do?  Then if you have a problem discuss it with them then? 

[[je...]]

Hi guys, I'm at soccer practice right now so I haven't had a chance to read all the posts-- I just read your post peace and I agree with the others. Wait and see how your feeling before saying anything to your boss. I have had a crazy last few days, but I can't type it all on my phone. I will update as soon as I can. Thinking of all of you always, jenny

[[Gr...]]

A refresher course for those of us in waves:

 

What does recovery look like?

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor Heather Ashton, 2002

 

COURSE OF WITHDRAWAL

 

“During benzodiazepine withdrawal, symptoms characteristically wax and wane, varying in severity and type from day to day, week to week, and even during the course of a day. Some symptoms come and go; others may take their place. There is no need to be discouraged by these wave - like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes. Typically “Windows” of normality, when you feel positively well for a few hours or days, appear after some weeks; gradually the “Windows” become more frequent and last longer, while any intervening discomfort ebbs away.”

 

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

Back to basics.

[[mr...]]

Ooh Green, that's good

 

Mrs.

 

 

[[pe...]]

Green- That is good!

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

That's what I'm looking for, mind to clear. Where did I put that broom!?! I'd love to sweep out the fog. Yes, Green. It's a new job. I teach lower elementary 1,2,3 grades in a mixed level classroom. It's all small group lessons all day while the rest of the class 'works' independently. It's a big job with a fully functioning brain. With brain mush, well.... I just hope I'm not too snappy with the children. I feel uncomfortable which leaves me short on patience.

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

A refresher course for those of us in waves:

 

What does recovery look like?

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor Heather Ashton, 2002

 

COURSE OF WITHDRAWAL

 

“During benzodiazepine withdrawal, symptoms characteristically wax and wane, varying in severity and type from day to day, week to week, and even during the course of a day. Some symptoms come and go; others may take their place. There is no need to be discouraged by these wave - like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes. Typically “Windows” of normality, when you feel positively well for a few hours or days, appear after some weeks; gradually the “Windows” become more frequent and last longer, while any intervening discomfort ebbs away.”

 

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

Back to basics.

 

Beautiful Green!!  Thank you for posting this.  It's so good to be reminded!  Today, I was finally doing the dishes (my kitchen is sparkly clean!) and I felt panic rise up in me.  It's so odd to just be working away and have this stuff come over you.  No fear just panic and a breathless sensation.. 

 

Peace- I am with everyone on the wait and if see if you need to say something.  The only reason I did it is because coming off of vacation put me in zombie mode big time.  Otherwise they would never have know the difference.  Whatever you do we support you and know you will do great!!

 

Hi Jenny!!  Can't wait to hear the update. 

 

Mrs - Thank you for the bike ride! It was awesome!  I bet we looked cool..  I completely understand about being town bound.  Even though I have flown it's very different for me to get in a car and go a long distance on my own.  The weekend we went to Temecula made me very nervous.  I can see now I was wavy while there.. a continuation of the wave that started during vacation and ended just a few days ago.  The things we have to do to get back to our old selves.. it's amazing. 

[[Co...]]

Peace....nobody but you is going to know the cog fog your brain is experiencing. We are so hyper aware of every s/x and d/r that we can not believe that we are not flashing neon signals incompetence and uncertanity. Unless we are in a complete panic begging to go to er I honestly think people just don't notice. I think the people who live in our homes with us are more aware of our good/bad days.....You sound like an excellent teacher...your expertise and knowledge will get you through even though you feel shaky...its going to be ok. I agree with everyone previous who recommmend giving it a little bit of time before you decide to let your boss know that you are w/ding. I would think that your boss is going to give some latitude given the fact that this is a new school for you. .....

......So glad to hear that that you are feeling better....coop

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks ... ah ... sorry ... ate my dinner and fell asleep last evening ... got up, thought about it, and went back to sleep ... sorry I missed the bike ride ...

 

So ... got to get to the store this morning ... they say a good old rain and wind storm is coming late today and all day tomorrow ...

 

Always room on the patio for visitors ...

 

Have a good Thursday ...

[[mr...]]

Hi Nova!

 

Its 3:45am where I'm from; I'm surprised to see anyone posting at this time of day! Its a pleasant surprise though You're either up early, or you're in a very different time zone than I!

 

I hope you are feeling better and better all the time How are things? I hope quite well for you Take care buddy; I'm off to get some more sleep

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... I am in Atlantic Canada ... 6:30 AM here ... so you are maybe three hours "behind" me ... I am doing "okay" ... woke up pretty clear ... the "anxiety" stuff is creeping up around the edges and my "throat" and "head" stuff is waking up ...

 

Hope you are getting some rest ... your "attitude" is marvelous to listen to ... so encouraging ...

 

 

 

[[...]]

Good morning!

 

Peace, I agree, give it a bit before telling your boss. I think you may surprise yourself and do better than you think! You can always talk to her later!

 

Green  thanks for posting about our healing! That was great!

 

Nova, you sound good! Love your "mindfulness" although I haven't practiced it, mine has been more along the lines of "slow survival"! Lol....I think I like yours better!!

 

[[No...]]

Hi GMIT ... I am "chipper" ... walked to store and back ... the sleep stuff seems to give me a bit more energy to get through the day ... back in the earlier stages it did not seem to matter ... now I can feel it more when it is interrupted ... another sign of progress ... getting to know when my "batteries" are getting low ...

 

Today is some bloat and tummy stuff with some head pressure ... I need to speak to the goof that deals the "symptom" cards each morning ... they could try shuffling better ... there must be a "symptom-free" card in there somewhere ...

 

Have a good day ...

[[...]]

Ahh yes! Imagine when we are dealt this card every day!! Wow! That sounds wonderful!!

 

I think the better sleep days are our bodies celebrating the complete rest we give it, after the great effort it's putting into our healing!

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I have often thought I had one of those scrolling neon sign things working on my forehead ... it read "I am in recovery ... crazy person walking ... please step aside ... don't stress me, I bite ... these twitches are not contagious ... its just my ears squeezing my head, don't worry ... I am having the panic attack, so don't panic ... I am walking funny because the sidewalk is tilted" ...

 

And I came to realize there was no neon sign ... it was just a "thought cloud" I was carrying along on a string and nobody else could see it ... and like those birthday balloons we have all cherished ... I just let my "thought cloud" go ... it may be somewhere over Ireland right now ...

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Guys,

 

I don't know what's going on but I have a decent day then go back to feeling sick again.  Sorry to not be too talkative here.  I'm just trying to cope with such illness that goes on and on.  My therapist keeps reassuring me that everyone heals.

 

xo,

Lisa

[[pe...]]

And I came to realize there was no neon sign ... it was just a "thought cloud" I was carrying along on a string and nobody else could see it ... and like those birthday balloons we have all cherished ... I just let my "thought cloud" go ... it may be somewhere over Ireland right now ...

 

Yes, Nova. Thanks.

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

The lack of sleep is getting to me.  What's even more upsetting are these hot flashes and a phobia that has decided to come back and stay.  My mom is trying to comfort me saying it could be menopause..which is NOT a comfort in anyway.  If menopause causes these types of thoughts then I don't want it.  This is confusing because there is no funk on me. 

 

I took the tylenol and codeine for two nights, but stopped because you know how I hate taking meds.  I'm scared guys.  I'm looking back over my symptoms.  I usually have solid ends to waves.  Very solid returns to normal.  I know we say this over and over, but is this me? 

 

Somebody said if I have to ask then it's not me, but I want to know if anyone else has these hot flashes.  They haven't stopped since vacation.  Because these w/d s/x mimic other ailments, I don't know how to think about it.  I have had my hormones checked many times, but I don't think that is a sure sign of menopause.  I want my mind back.  Why do we wake with these thoughts?  Is there a reason? 

 

Last night was up at 1am and turned the tv on.. then at 3am sharp I was laying on my stomach and felt the hot flash run thru me and then the thoughts.  I couldn't believe it was 3am on the nose.  Then lay there until 5am... I looked back thru my threads and see there was a time of normal sleep.  I'm pretty sure I was fine before vacation.  I know I was sleeping.   

 

I just want a break.  Do I call this a wave or what.  I read the Ashton thing Green put .. a symptom is just that.. a symptom.. but is this me or 'it'?  I hot flash all day. It's in the surface of my skin.  I remember doing this during taper.  Everyone kept saying menopause and I wanted to slap them. 

 

The thought process for me is that I broke something in my brain and it isn't fixing.  I found wonderful victory in certain aspects.  Absolute undeniable victory regarding certain circumstances of the w/d process.  It's this low lying stuff.  Things that you think to yourself..'well, others live with this or that..maybe I have to live with something low lying.'  It's seemingly so small you wonder if God will bother with it.  He has definite come to my rescue at times during this.  But what about this little/big stuff.  This phobia that makes it hard to go in the kitchen. What about these passing thoughts.  Is it more of the same just in a lower way? 

 

HH- Any help here?

 

Ok.. need to go to the dentist for teeth cleaning.  I do not want to go..AT ALL. Don't want to go.. Don't want to go..  I am not happy right now.

 

MommyR

[[pe...]]

MommyR-

I forget how young you are, so I can't respond about the menopause factor. Even if I knew your age, I wouldn't be an expert. I think we're in unchartered territory on all things benzo, so especially when other factors like hormones are thrown into the mix. Either way, you don't feel well and I'm sorry.

 

If you've had your hormones checked out and you're still getting a regular cycle, than that would suggest it's more benzo than hormonal. But all these things play together. There is a board about hormone related things you might find helpful.

 

I'm sorry, MommyR. Please don't be afraid. I hope someone else will have more wisdom to share.

 

Peace

[[Co...]]

Nova....love the tickets scrolling at the bottom of your neon signs.....you really should write a book on w/d,  the interjections of humor are so very helpful. ....you and Fliprain ( if you haven't visited her success story it is one of the best and very entertaining as ....Conzumed also has a stunning story...excuse me I got side tracked) are both wonderful writers.

.....Yep....the s/x game.....a complete crape shoot.....sorry your head pressure is hovering and your anxiety is lapping at your feet and the belly stuff is present for the count...they just about have you covered. You handle it with such grace and zen...Glad you got to the market...it is blowing and twining here too. Perfect day for a dark steamy sumatran latte....I am finding peace with the decaf .....come sit with me and the geraniums....coop

[[mr...]]

Mommy, I don't believe it is you  at all. It is the withdrawal, IMO.

 

Regarding the phobia, the best thing I've found to do with them is to PROVE THEM WRONG. Do the thing your brain screams DON'T!! Its hurt like heck a couple times, felt good a couple times, and both (felt good and hurt like heck)the remaining times.

 

Its still hard -- like, REALLY HARD at times -- especially when the IRRATIONAL thought or phobia tells you "you're done if you do XYZ" -- but the only way to prove it wrong is to prove it wrong. And sometimes over and over again. (Dang, I wish that wasn't the case!)

 

They'll fade and die with time, of course. They fade a little faster and die a little quicker with work and action on our part. It is more painful walk, for sure. But I'm working hard at it.

 

I hope you are feeling better this afternoon, Mommy We are healing anyways, despite what we think or feel Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Green- That is good!

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

That's what I'm looking for, mind to clear. Where did I put that broom!?! I'd love to sweep out the fog. Yes, Green. It's a new job. I teach lower elementary 1,2,3 grades in a mixed level classroom. It's all small group lessons all day while the rest of the class 'works' independently. It's a big job with a fully functioning brain. With brain mush, well.... I just hope I'm not too snappy with the children. I feel uncomfortable which leaves me short on patience.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I would go nice and slow and don't be so quick to tell the job anything.  Nobody understands us, really.  And then you'll have a boss checking in on you, possibly scrutinizing your work? Idk.  I went through that phase last month when I had the cog fog really bad and I found myself trying to explain to anyone who would listen why I was so messed up.  Even in my 12-step support, as kind as those people are, they stared at me like 'what's wrong with you?"  When the fog is this bad, at some point it maxes out, just like any other wave.  It lasted a whole month for me.  Like you said somewhere, not feeling too much pain, just out of it.  I actually think that's something protective for the brain as we heal.  There's so much healing going on in your brain while we suffer from all of these awful s/x.  Be patient. Take it a day at a time.  And come here to get your support and validation of your s/x.  That's why we're all here, to help each other.  I didn't want to give strong advice, but having come out of that fog, I would hold off on talking to an employer.  It really will pass.  Unfortunately, I went back to insomnia and breakthrough anxiety and slight panic.  But my brain seems to be more clear.  So go slow, and hang on, it passes, buddie

[[Gr...]]

Ooh Green, that's good

 

Mrs.

 

Yes, Mrs. I thought so too!  Seems like we're all pretty far in, and we've forgotten some of the basics.  Glad to know your hub is involved with bicycles.  I can't walk now, lol, it revs up my cog fog, but I've been riding every day, and it's all good.  Hope this is a really good day for you.

[[Gr...]]

A refresher course for those of us in waves:

 

What does recovery look like?

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor Heather Ashton, 2002

 

COURSE OF WITHDRAWAL

 

“During benzodiazepine withdrawal, symptoms characteristically wax and wane, varying in severity and type from day to day, week to week, and even during the course of a day. Some symptoms come and go; others may take their place. There is no need to be discouraged by these wave - like recurrences; the waves become less severe and less frequent as time passes. Typically “Windows” of normality, when you feel positively well for a few hours or days, appear after some weeks; gradually the “Windows” become more frequent and last longer, while any intervening discomfort ebbs away.”

 

“Vulnerability to extra stress may make symptoms last somewhat longer and a severe stress may – temporarily – bring back some symptoms. Whatever your symptoms, it is best not to dwell on them. Symptoms are just symptoms after all and most of them in withdrawal are not signs of illness but signals of recovery. Furthermore, as your mind clears, you can work out more and more effective ways to deal with them so that they become less significant.”

 

Back to basics.

 

Beautiful Green!!  Thank you for posting this.  It's so good to be reminded!  Today, I was finally doing the dishes (my kitchen is sparkly clean!) and I felt panic rise up in me.  It's so odd to just be working away and have this stuff come over you.  No fear just panic and a breathless sensation.. 

 

Yes, Mommy, I have that breakthrough panic.  I think we're in the home stretch.  And faith is important, as I know it is to you. I pray for strength and acceptance.  Have a wonderful day.