6-12 month thread....

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

A tough morning/afternoon. I have scheduled a mini surgical procedure for in the middle of September. It is a simple biopsy is all; nothing to be concerned of. A couple weeks later, my husband will be traveling again out of town for a couple nights and days. While in withdrawal, my thoughts towards some things can be quite narrow -- feel "impossible" at times for me to do. Travelling out of town is one of them for me. My husband traveling out of town for a couple days can be trying for my mind to "grasp" also. I've had disturbing thoughts like "if you do this, you'll never recover from the anxiety you'll feel by doing it" or related thoughts. Typically, the intrusive thoughts involve something to do with being too anxious to recover (i.e. needing medication, hospital, etc). Fear/anxiety/panic has been, by far, my worst symptom to-date. To date, I've ALWAYS recovered from every anxiety attack, every panic wave, every fearful thought. I've always had a window that follows at some point -- ALWAYS. Despite this truth, its like my brain/thoughts do no recognize this as evidence -- thoughts like I described still appear, even though being proven untrue thousands of times.

 

I most certainly DO a LOT of things every day that I'm "afraid" of (fear withdrawal -- never afraid of them prior to benzo withdrawal), exposing myself over and over again. It does not appear to diminish the fear currently, however.

 

This past two week wave feels like its the worst one I've experienced to-date. It started after my husband returned from a two-night/three-day travel -- which was challenging for me, but I did it. Prior to this month, feeling the fear and doing it anyways would provide a sense of joy and relief, as well as a bit of "muscle memory" with fear. This current wave feels like the "muscle memory" aspect is diminished a bit. I've also had an uptick in physical symptoms, as well as a few new symptoms to boot.

 

To be honest, I keep thinking about what having the surgery and Mr traveling might mean in the way of waves and symptoms. My only concern is, will I be able to handle the stress/anxiety? Those awful thoughts say some pretty dark/dreary predictions, as you know. This past wave had me as close to nonfunctional at times as I've ever been, and I don't care to revisit that spot again, thank you. It following Mr's travels has my brain associating the two -- wave + stress --even though it probably was purely coincidental (my period came right in that time also, and I'm usually symptomatic with it like that, too -- anxiety, depression, panicky, etc).

 

Has anyone had the fear/anxiety intense, or felt something was "impossible" for you to do, but you did it anyways -- felt highly anxious about it, maybe had a bad wave from it too -- but recovered from it? Can anyone relate regarding things seeming "impossible" -- I mean like a mental Wall! -- but you did it anyways? Can you share your experiences with me?

 

My thoughts tell me all sorts of lies, but if I knew there was one other person out there who has felt like this before -- perhaps even about surgery and did it anyways! -- and gotten through it to the other side -- my oh my, how helpful that is to me!

 

Thank you all very much for your support & replies If it can be kept to "victory" stories also, I would appreciate it very much Thanks again

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Hi Mrs.  Here is my list of things I was terrified of and did anyway:

Went to work everyday.

Went to therapy every week.

Went to events at my children's school.

Applied for a new job.

Interviewed.

Accepted  job.

MRI

EEG

Dentist visit

 

 

Mrs. Everyday I think most of us are afraid and just like you we do that scary thing anyway.  What I know about the people on this thread, what I know about you is that none of us are quitters. We are tenacious and brave. Everyday.

 

You got this, Mrs. And when you don't, we do. We're here for you.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I would love to hop on a boogie board Coop and actually have some fun.

 

Here is a poem from the poet Ellen Bass's book, Mules of Love.

 

The Thing Is    By Ellen Bass

 

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

Your grief sits with you like your own flesh

only more of it, and obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

 

Lisa,

I love this. Thank you for sharing it.

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

Hi Mrs.  Here is my list of things I was terrified of and did anyway:

Went to work everyday.

Went to therapy every week.

Went to events at my children's school.

Applied for a new job.

Interviewed.

Accepted  job.

MRI

EEG

Dentist visit

 

 

Mrs. Everyday I think most of us are afraid and just like you we do that scary thing anyway.  What I know about the people on this thread, what I know about you is that none of us are quitters. We are tenacious and brave. Everyday.

 

You got this, Mrs. And when you don't, we do. We're here for you.

 

Peace2

 

Thank you, Peace.

 

And, just to shut up the dumb thoughts in my mind, did you feel any of these were "impossible" before/during? Like doing them would "be the end of you" etc? That the "anxiety would take you out" etc?

 

Because, obviously, you're here and fine

 

Thanks again Peace. Stupid withdrawal. Stupid wave. It'll be over soon. I figure that this wave is just some major healing occurring that God is doing, for my amazing window that opens and never closes for September Right?

 

I sure miss feeling hope, peace, joy, how bout this one -- CONFIDENCE in myself, my abilities, my thoughts, and my reactions? I miss these things very much. It feels like they'll never be restored -- even though that's not true, and I know it. I'm just not sure what it feels like to go from not feeling those things, to restored feeling that way. You know? I've felt them slip away, but what does it feel like to restore? Must feel awesome I'm looking forward to getting my life back, even though it feels far off at the moment.

 

Nonetheless, the truth is it could be 15 minutes away...

 

Take care and in HOPE,

 

Mrs.

[[Fr...]]

Peace,

 

I'm glad the poem resonated for you too.

 

The wave that started yesterday evening was so intense, I didn't know how to get through it but it just broke.  I could sure use some prayers and healing thoughts that it stays away and never returns. I still am under the weather but the intensity has lifted. 

 

I hope you all are healing and feeling better.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Mrs - This thing you feel -"This will be it. This is the last straw. I am hospital bound."  I feel that. I use to feel it more often. But, I still feel that weekly and sometimes daily. This recovery is sooooo hard and the benzo lies are soooo loud. I am far from fine in many ways, yet you're right, I'm here and sometimes that's all I've got. I'm here. You are too. When those stressful events happen, I find myself looking. Do I feel worse? What's going to happen now? I don't know. I am usually pleasantly surprised that I don't feel worse during and after a stressful situation.

 

"I sure miss feeling hope, peace, joy, how bout this one -- CONFIDENCE in myself, my abilities, my thoughts, and my reactions? I miss these things very much. It feels like they'll never be restored -- even though that's not true, and I know it. I'm just not sure what it feels like to go from not feeling those things, to restored feeling that way. You know? I've felt them slip away, but what does it feel like to restore?"

 

That's me in a nutshell. I think that's most of us.

Slowly in the process of restoration. Brick by brick.

 

This wave is going to roll on out.

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Lisa- I'm going to light a candle for you and put it right next to the one I have lit for Life. And while I'm at it, I'm going to light one for Mrs and Coop too. It's going to be soooo romantic in here .

 

Prayers to you. You are making it through one wave at a time. Take a deep breath and try to relax on the beach for a bit.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Mrs - This thing you feel -"This will be it. This is the last straw. I am hospital bound."  I feel that. I use to feel it more often. But, I still feel that weekly and sometimes daily. This recovery is sooooo hard and the benzo lies are soooo loud. I am far from fine in many ways, yet you're right, I'm here and sometimes that's all I've got. I'm here. You are too. When those stressful events happen, I find myself looking. Do I feel worse? What's going to happen now? I don't know. I am usually pleasantly surprised that I don't feel worse during and after a stressful situation.

 

"I sure miss feeling hope, peace, joy, how bout this one -- CONFIDENCE in myself, my abilities, my thoughts, and my reactions? I miss these things very much. It feels like they'll never be restored -- even though that's not true, and I know it. I'm just not sure what it feels like to go from not feeling those things, to restored feeling that way. You know? I've felt them slip away, but what does it feel like to restore?"

 

That's me in a nutshell. I think that's most of us.

 

Slowly in the process of restoration. Brick by brick.

 

This wave is going to roll on out.

Peace2

 

Amen! This is exactly what I have been feeling, Mrs and Peace. I am on my 3rd day of the "biggie" and the feelings are dark. Does anyone here from time to time get a real dark, lonely, can't ever get out of feeling, of depression. So heavy you simply are wondering what if I get "stuck here". A feeling of being totally overwhelmed? It usually hits after big stressors like I had as of late -- but sometimes not. I have never had this depression before benzos. My life situation has not really changed that much as of late yet I look at those circumstances and drawn in a sea of worry and despair. In a window I know I don't get affected like this. Since its been three days now ( longer than my usual) I am really concerned.

 

life

[[mr...]]

Life, it won't "stick". Its a physiological impossibility.

 

That is true of anxiety as well. Yet that lyric from the Benzo's Greatest Hits album still likes to play. The anxiety doesn't stick. The depression doesn't stick. The only thing that likes to "stick" is the thought.

 

Thank you Lord for that revelation.

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Life ... "what if I get stuck here" ... I have not been where you are now with depression ... and ... I have been to the place where this "Lie" starts gnawing at me ... and I believe the "what if I get stuck here" for me is a "Lie" ... and yes you are far along in your recovery ... and this makes the "Lie" possibly even more "powerful" ...

 

Our cycles of recovery and our "usuals" do shift and change from time to time ... we build our "expectations" on our "cycles" and "usuals" ... and when our expectations do not match right here, right now the "doubt" can come through that little crack ...

 

I believe recovery does not "stall" or "stop" ... yes, there are many "pauses" ... we have all lived with these for a long time ... this is just another "bump" in the road of your recovery ... you have so much going for you ... you have so much experience and skill in living your recovery ... let this be for now ... as much as you can, relax into it ... you "know" it will pass ...

 

I know you have skills that help you to "engage" things ... maybe this is a time of non-engagement ...

 

Take Care ...

[[Fr...]]

Thank you Peace for lighting the candles.

 

I am so scared of this right now and don't know if it's true fear or benzo lie fear.  This last wave and still waviness was so scary in its intensity that now I'm terrified of another.  I don't know how to make it through such pain.

 

The head burning is better but still there a bit to a lesser degree.  I'm at a loss as to how tonight will go and am frightened.   

[[li...]]

Nova, so true on the expectations -- and everything else. I somehow have managed to dig a big hole for myself because I never expected a depression this big. I mean for Pete's sake -- I was recovered "almost". Now I feel like at square one today and wonder about being "stuck". I know I will feel good again but it just gets so tiring -- I often read all the posts and I stay around and write posts when I am feeling better to give hope. Its important to me. It is just so interesting to find myself in need of real hope.

 

Mrs., I know I will not get "stuck". I know that yet it does not prevent the benzo beast from trying to confuse me.

 

Coop, I am thinking about you and praying for you right now that God will make your dread go away. May God bless you and provide you a wide open window.

 

Peace, I am soooooo happy to read about you feeling better. I know what it is to feel depressed and you having relief ( a window) is so encouraging. I know that going back to school will give you structure and you will be so happy!

 

Mommyr, where are you? I miss my novelist and chief!

 

GMIT, Free and all -- we are going to make it out of this cave! We are closer to the exit than we are to the entrance! Kets not forget that!

 

life

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... this is "lousy" stuff off and on ... I have been alternating between head stuff and chest and gut stuff for several days ... get a short break now and then ... and the "fear" and "dread" and "doubt" running around like ghosts with their sheets ripped off ...

 

And it gets very "tiring" I know ... sometimes the boogie board works and sometimes some quiet time works ... and sometimes all we have to "throw" at this stuff is our patience ...

 

Take Care ...

[[No...]]

Lisa ... sorry I don't use candles ... I keep forgetting where they are when I light them ... not a good thing ... so ... the fear thing is so dreadful and it feeds on my "anticipation" of "what next" ... and then the fear of the fear gets into the mix ... really messy ... and painful ...

 

All I can do when I find fear attached to a symptom is try not to feed it ... its hard ... when it is there I try to let it "detach" from me, okay if it follows me around ... I just try to not get tangled up in it ... it is hard to put into words ... and I know if I get sucked into it the fear it just gets stronger ...

 

And I know this doesn't help much ... sorry ...

 

Take Care ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Life ... "I somehow have managed to dig a big hole for myself because I never expected a depression this big. I mean for Pete's sake -- I was recovered "almost". Now I feel like at square one today and wonder about being "stuck". I know I will feel good again but it just gets so tiring" ... I know this "hole" very well ... been in and out of it too often to count ... and it is indeed so tiring ...

 

If anyone can drive a bobcat ... Life and I need some landscaping done ... we have a few holes that need filling ...

 

[[Co...]]

Peace...that was such a beautiful response you wrote to Mrs. It encouraged every single one of us. You and HealingHope are such strong determined Mighty Girls...you both put me to shame. I remember HH writing that she went to work every day feeling that that would be the day that she would have a heart attack,  stroke or panic attack in front of her little 4 th graders. You have also showed up every single day for your students despite raging anxiety and depression. You are both still here ( adding your strength and grace to this group) and both still getting better every day. You both make me proud to be a teacher. ..

......Mrs. what you are experiencing is absolutely classic for benzo w/d...dire intrusive thoughts...anxiety ....fear of not recovering....doubt....and especially Benzo Beasts favorite torture....while in a wave we can not relate to,  remember,  imagine,  believe recorded journal entries,  hope for or be encouraged into accessing the experience of a window.  Some of us can cognitively ' know ' that we have had windows,  but it is like ' knowing. ' that violets are blue because we saw them in a book and experiencing violets because we planted them,  picked them smelled them and held them in our hands. ..I do not know of any other way to describe it.

...There seem to be 2 approaches to handling the stresses of life while in w/d. Some feel best pushing through...some feel better putting off the things that can be put off. I delayed a biopsy until I was past month 6,  but in retrospect I probably could have handled it at the time.  For me,  I had days even in a bad wave where I pushed through and it was fine and times in lovely windows where I did not push through because I just wanted to enjoy my window peacefully....I think you will have a better feel for it as the time gets closer. I am not as brave as Peace and HealingHope,  but I did start pushing myself in month 8 to get to pt every other day. There were days that I was sure I would have a stroke ( my most persistant health fear....that disappears in a window) in the treatment room. I always made it through.  My head pressure s/x in this wave want me to believe that this is different and I really am in health danger. It is taking every thing I have in me to stay grounded. I am going to therapy tomorrow but going easy on myself tonight. ...It all seems very individual and very much 'one day at a time '...I know from your posts that if you decide to push yourself on some days you have everything it takes to make it through. You are definitely going to heal...you will not be in this misery forever...and you can do whatever you want while healing....or push on some days and lay low on others. .....I totally know your misery....we can all relate ..exactly to where you are....we have all been there ....and we are all still here living our lives and helping each other to live their lives...

.....I am thinking of you Mrs...you are in my prayers...this phase is going to pass....take very good care of yourself and hang on to your incredible attitude...you are making your way back to yourself.....love to you.....coop

[[No...]]

Lisa ... thank you for the poem ... things like these help me so much ...

 

[[No...]]

Mrs ... I know how you feel ... this constant questioning of "should I" or "shouldn't I" ... and wondering what the consequences will be ...

 

I had cataract surgery on one eye, had a colonoscopy, and the tube down the throat thingie ... and had two cat scans with that dye stuff ... "survived" them all ... emphasis on survival ... lots of anticipatory doubt and fear before each of them ... and a lot of relief when each was completed ...

 

And I am glad it went through each of them ... nothing found and the cataract is gone ...

 

If you are comfortable ... find out what you can about a procedure before hand ... have them talk you through all the steps ... and you may not want to know and that is okay too ...

 

You are doing a wonderful "job" with this process ... you will get there ... as we all will ...

 

[[Pe...]]

Coop ... this is "lousy" stuff off and on ... I have been alternating between head stuff and chest and gut stuff for several days ... get a short break now and then ... and the "fear" and "dread" and "doubt" running around like ghosts with their sheets ripped off ...

 

And it gets very "tiring" I know ... sometimes the boogie board works and sometimes some quiet time works ... and sometimes all we have to "throw" at this stuff is our patience ...

 

Take Care ...

...and a sense of humor goes a VERY long way in making the best out of this horrid and hellish experience! ❤️

Oh, Nova, that was a good one! 

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Lisa...beautiful poem...thank you for taking the time to post it to us ...You and I and Nova and Life are struggling together...So thankful for every single beautiful person in this group. ..I do believe that each one of us is getting out of Where The Wild Things Are....and wake up tomorrow in our very own beds where all is well....its just that sailing through all those lands of wild things is so scary and way more believable than they have any right to be. ...

.....Nova....where would we be without you. I too am at the place where all I have left in me at the moment is patience...just waiting it out. Trying not to give it more of my energy...yes,  a back hoe...lets bury this Benzo Beast under tons and tons of earth

.......Wishing all of us relief and peace and a return to ourselves...love to all...coop

[[Fr...]]

Nova, your words help me very much and they mean a lot to me.  I will try harder to separate myself from the symptoms and not focus on them.  I admire how you have such a great outlook and are there for others when you are dealing with discomfort too.

 

The fear part on top of the symptoms makes it all worse.  Sleep is the best we can hope for at the day's end.

 

Coop -  I'm glad you and Nova liked the poem.  I went searching for poems about hope this afternoon when I needed some and found that.  I had read her book many years ago and enjoyed her work.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Buddies-

It can change in a moments notice. Here comes the wave - eye twitching, dr, anxiety. Anyone have an umbrella or room on their raft? Maybe it will leave as quickly as it came. Maybe your waves are leaving right now.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Hop on Peace...I would love to think about someone else 's s/x at the moment...my head literally feels like it is exploding..

......So sorry Peace...I was so happy to hear that you were having a nice sunbreak....D/r is miserable and hard to stay grounded when it hits.. I don't have any good fixes and I am getting sick of just yaaking about epsome salts baths...I don't have any good words...except we are all in this together and we are all going to get out of this together......coop

[[mr...]]

Thank you Peace for lighting the candles.

 

I am so scared of this right now and don't know if it's true fear or benzo lie fear.  This last wave and still waviness was so scary in its intensity that now I'm terrified of another.  I don't know how to make it through such pain.

 

The head burning is better but still there a bit to a lesser degree.  I'm at a loss as to how tonight will go and am frightened. 

 

I totally get this,Lisa. We just gotta believe its withdrawal. If we weren't like this pre-benzos, we won't be like this post.

 

Hang tight with me. I've been praying for exponential healing -- this exponential wave is just creating the exponential healing I've been asking for. It is true for you, too.

 

We are healing. And we can handle anything we choose to. Thank God for the ability he provided on the cross all those years back. (IMO of course)

 

Take care buddies,

 

Mrs.

 

 

[[Mo...]]

I'm here kids.  I am reading everyone's posts.  Had my counseling appt this afternoon and was seeing if I could apply the discussion to everyone's worries.  Not feeling novelish.. just want to scope everybody up and comfort and console. 

 

First, I want to assure you that everyone will again be covered in prayers tonight.  My mom is here and if God has a favorite, it's my mom.  He listens to her.  My mom has this great story about how God gave her favor with her boss.  First let me set the stage.. Mom worked for an insurance broker.  She is naturally shy and introverted but had a lot of friends in the building including the facilities manager. One day her boss, an insurance broker, was looking out the window of his office which over looked a construction site.  He couldn't figure what was being built there.  After asking everyone, he came to my mom and asked if she knew what it was.  She smiled and said, 'Give me 5 minutes'.. then returned with an artists rendition of the new building.  She explained that the ramp he was looking at was leading up to the parking garage.  Her boss said, 'How do you do that?'.. Mom smiled.  She knew God had given her favor with many of the people in the building and now her boss too. From then on everyone came to my mom for 'inside' information. 

 

Today, I needed to take a step from the conversations and news.  When I hear of suffering I immediately begin to ask myself what to do with the information.  Knowledge is power with our w/d, but what am I supposed to with others suffering be it pain like those suffering in Iraq, or a disease called Ebola, the California drought or the personal pain and suffering I read here. 

 

My counselor told me to ask myself who is in control of my well-being.  If I believe it is God, then I need to apply some core promises to everything I see, hear or read i.e... He will never leave nor forsake me.. Do not worry about tomorrow...  She went on to say that there will always be wars and tragedies.  I responded by saying that I feel it is important to be educated on what is going in the world, but I just don't know what to do with the information.  She told me that God does not ask us to move about, or do anything frantically.  If I watch or read information and feel that I want to do something about information I have heard, then to pray about it and wait 24 hours to see if God answers.  There are some sensible things I can do like have extra food and water because we live in earthquake land, but beyond that life is mostly a one day at time adventure.  That is why we are commanded not to worry about tomorrow.  This gave me peace. 

 

I have to believe my life is in God's hands and that each day is created by Him. Nothing can happen to me that he doesn't allow.  I know bad stuff happens, but grace is dealt out the same way to each of us regardless of the severity of the situation.. one day at a time.  You don't get what you need for tomorrow until tomorrow.

 

I'm sorry Robin is no longer with us.  But I am also on my knees thanking God for those who took and continue to take the time to talk to me and encourage me thru this process.  We have a special group here, pulling each other forward.  We have doctors and healed people telling us we can trust the process.  We don't know Robin's circumstance, but we do know it is not ours.  Do not pick it up.  Do not put this on your plate.  It's not yours to have.  This is a no parking zone.  No mental bunny trails allowed. 

 

Every morning I wake up, my brain wants to 'what if'.  It is a forbidden bunny trail.  If you will commit to stay in the day.. just like Life keeps saying..we won't borrow tomorrow.  We won't forecast.  This stuff blows in and out with the wind.  Your windows will come back.  Trust me.  I know. 

 

Peace - I have your umbrella.  It's really awesome with rainbow colors and huge. 

 

Life - It's not going to stick.  This will lift and you will have shown us the path out.

 

Coop - That's right.  We are all in this together.  I am so sorry. 

 

Nova - Thank you for your steady calm words. 

 

Mrs. - Nova is the jedi on this. 

 

I need to do the dishes and get kids put to bed.  Hugs and prayers for everyone. 

 

MommyR