6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

There is a lot going on and I can't get to all if it right now. But everyone who's praying, keep it up! I haven't slept in two nights and it's life related not benzo related. I'm exhausted. I had a huge blowout with my husband who is also exhausted. The word divorce was batted around. I cried all night and woke him at 5:00 in the morning for the most tender conversation about us we've had in a long time. I had an EEG done and eleven vials of blood drawn just to check into what my body is doing. Orders from the neurologist. So, there's all that but today was the closest I've felt to normal in a long time. Keep praying, dear ones.

 

MommyR- I agree with Life. You are a talented writer. It could be your gig. I would buy your books. I'm glad your errands went ok. I enjoyed the ride immensely. My three year old is a June birthday. He requested a books birthday which was very fun. A friend made a piñata in the shape if a Curious George book, all the guests made a book for him and ofcourse brought him books. A winter party would be so much fun. I kind of love planning kids' parties.

 

Life - oof. I'm thinking of you rising in the sea of stress around you. You will stay centered despite these difficulties. Ahh. I'm so sorry for the loss of this young one you know. I think it was MommyR who spoke so beautifully about grief.

 

Greenice- you have come back strong to our thread with words of encouragement. Thank you.

 

Let's hold on to hope. I think I've had a little break in the clouds. If it happens for me, then all things seem possible. I've not had clear windows, easing of symptoms here and there. But these last couple of days things have been different. Lets see what the next couple days bring.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I can't give relationship advice, I've been a dismal failure at all of mine, lol.  But I think this will work out.  As others on the board have said, spouses are exhausted too. Maybe it's good to clear the air.  that's always positive.

[[Gr...]]

Hey, Everyone

 

Finally crawled out of the mud, as Mommy puts it.  My head is clear, and there is no doubt in my mind that we will all get better.  There will come a day when we remember withdrawal as something that happened a long time ago.  Need to get out the door while the going is good. 

[[li...]]

hit with a deep depression today. This is the one symptom that scares me the most. It is the thief in the night as it is said. I just have so much going on in my life right now. It is so lonely when I am depressed.I pray that God will allow a window very very soon. Coop, mommyR, healinghope,Lisa, Green, Nova, Jenny, Mrs, Peace, Drew,Gmit and all others -- may we heal rapidly. Lets all pray for each other!

 

Life

 

 

[[je...]]

Life~ Thinking of you and praying your depression lifts. It truly is one of the most evil sx. Feel better, Jenny

[[li...]]

Thank you, Jenny. I hope yours has lifted. We are going to make it. I just am overwhelmed with certain things lately. I get concerned when I feel this way. Very concerned.

 

I hope you start to feel much better soon Jenny. We jumped the same day! YES!

 

life

[[pe...]]

Thank you for the your kindness on the relationship front. It was a necessary and cathartic conversation. I have been faking it for everyone but him and sometimes he needs me to fake it just a little bit too. I get it. The last few days have been ok, so I haven't even had to fake it. I am not depressed. I am exhausted and have some dr and cog fog. I can roll with that. Things will be ok.

 

Coop- I'm sorry to hear that depression creeped in. I hope by now, it's found the door and is on its way out. I hope your grandson had a blast and that being in his joy was good for your soul.

 

Jenny and MommyR- You guys are awesome pals. It would be a hoot if we lived close to each other. Don't we all have boys?!? Jenny's are 5 and 7. Mine are 3 and 6. I know MommyR has a 3 year old. What else you got, MommyR?

 

GreenIce- Clearing the air is a good way to put it. My husband has been suppressing his emotions for almost two years to make room for mine. I think we'll be ok too. He's kind of amazing. It's interesting that he sensed I could handle it. I guess I did.

I'm glad to hear you have emerged from the hole and are seeing that healing will happen. We just have to make it through each day.  I'm curious what you were pulled to do on this good day.

 

Drew- Good to see you back. Sorry you're dealing with a low level of the crud. It's a strange place to be, but all those things will burn off in time. We will all perk up, look forward, feel love. I'm starting to get glimmers of these things. It's only a matter of time.

 

Peace2

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

You are all included in my prayers daily!

 

Close your eyes and feel ---> 

 

[[pe...]]

Life- You have so much natural heartache to contend with, the loss of this poor girl, the situation with your brother, this upcoming legal thing. It's a lot without withdrawal. But please be gentle with yourself and do not be afraid. It will break apart and the sun will shine back in. What puts a smile on your face? Can you watch a silly show, practice laughter yoga (haha, hoho - you just say this out loud until you make yourself laugh- it's especially good to do with others - my husband and I will both crack up when I start doing it), get hugged.

 

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. I hope you're feeling better already. My mother in law always says, "God loves you and so do I."

 

Life, God loves you and so do I.

Peace2

[[li...]]

Thank you, peace. I have not felt this bad in quite a few months. Just too much stress for me I guess. Depression is so scary because it fakes you out - it will have you believing in the negative. I know better than that but it is still scary. I am so happy that you sound much better -- lifting of the depression is an awesome accomplishment.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Whoa, riding out the fear/foreboding/"can't" wave to shore -- all non-truths, and all going to pass very soon.

 

It will be done soon. First tough wave of mental symptoms was middle of May through June. This wave started very end of July and I believe it will be ending soon. I believe the worst has already passed, and the best is yet to come

 

If any of you have experienced fear/terror/dark foreboding/panic and it has left and/or diminished for you, I would love to hear your stories it encourages me so much to hear other's experiences Especially details about experiences of how it was, compared to experiences of how it is now Like when (I think it was) MommyR that told about her experiences with the classroom, as well as her not posting just how bad it was back then because of fear. So helpful and encouraging to read about for me

 

Thanks gang One day at a time, we are doing it Thank God for his grace that's new each day for us, and for all the ability he's provided us We can do all things through Him that strengthens us

 

Thank you buddies for being here Sending love,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

Wow, I just love this group.

 

We have lots of good on here today.  A few of us had a good nights sleep and woke with a window.  Guess who got good sleep, feels restored and has no funky mud on her head..THIS GIRL!!!  WOOT!  Oh man, what a huge huge ref lief.  The odd thing is my 3 year and I are really sick from this cold.  The 3 year old has asthma so it drops immediately into his lungs.  He started 'barking' at 2 am.  I woke up calm and together.  No worries, so grabbed the breather, gave him some puffs and put on Nick until he fell asleep.  I was going to take him into the Dr this morning, but the meds worked, so I will watch it until tomorrow. 

 

Life - Oh man, so I know that heavy scary feeling of the depression.  The words that really helped me are, 'it's fake, it's chemical, nothing you are thinking or feeling is real, it's a lie'.  Do you know what my Dr. told me one time when I called him.. he said he wanted me to turn on the hallmark channel and watch a feel good movie.  That doesn't mean he took things lightly, it meant that there were things we could do to offset the chemicals.  I can with all assurance say this is going to lift.  This will absolutely lift, so divide your day up however you need and yup, use those skills.  They work.  They are field tested and proven to work.  I used to do this exercise where I used physical movement with the verbal expression.  It is a technique that solidifies it into your psyche.  Peace has good advice too.  Things will lift.  This will not stay.  My counselor used to tell me to do whatever brought me peace.  Do you have anything that brings you peace?  For me it's.. ding ding ding!  Talking.  Not just talking, but listening to stories of people who had a bad situation and it turned around.  Proof that bad things come, but things always right themselves.  I hope some of this helps.  Coop had awesome advice as usual.  I had the boomerang effect they described but from some other meds, but don't be afraid.  Call the pharmacist.  Mrs had good stuff too.  You are so going to make it.  You just got handed a huge plate and benzo magnifies.  Green is right.  This is going to left.  Watch for it.  The wife.. clean something!  It's guaranteed to make a woman swoon..(but maybe your house is always clean?)..hang in there.  GreenIce said it best..<It's called cog fog, chemical depression  -- whatever the hell it is, it's B.S.  It's an effing withdrawal symptom.  It's a thief in the night that steals our souls.  Don't believe it, it's not real, it's all benzo lies.  Hang in there, it will pass.  I know it can be powerful.  I was wandering around crying and lost for a month.  Hang in there.  It breaks.>

 

Kids, I know I talk a lot, but I want to share everything that helped me.  Anything that can bridge you to the next window, is what I want to do.  It's ok if you don't take my advice.  I am only sharing what helped.  Others need a different method.  Did I mention it has taken me 2 hours to type this because a 3 year old is on my lap making me play 'jail house rock' over and over and my husband wants to buy tickets to a comedy event and I should invite all my friends.....eek!

 

Coop - So amazingly fun to watch your grandson get flight lessons!  Dp is honestly the most distasteful of all the symptoms.  I will take a hairy monster chasing me over that one.  I NEVER experienced that before benzo... NEVER.  And I don't plan on keeping it around.  I hope it is burning off.  If not, it will.  I know it will.

 

Peace- Great attitude.  I am absolute certain that a part of the healing was choosing not to call the Dr anymore and to give the hubby a break.  I remember in March when he looked at me with no more words to say.  He wasn't sure I didn't need meds..BUT I KNEW!  I promise it's those tiny breaks that mean huge things.  It's true.  Breaks mean healing.  Think of a prison cell without light, horrible right.  But if a light were shining, even a tiny one you would know life was on the other side.  This is going to happen for all of us.  It is.  Those little breaks mean healing. 

 

My kids are 3 and 7.  The 7 year old turned in June.  We had 2 parties for him.  A bowling party here and then one in San Fran with my MIL.  The 3 year old needs a blow out..

 

Everyone is really sounding functional, yes?  Lots' of symptomatic stuff but still functionality. 

 

Hi Drew- That numb thing, totally normal, but a big bummer.  I haven't felt exactly that, but towards other stuff.  I have low lying stuff a lot.  Real low lying.  Like yesterday I was really normal.  I'd say 100% except there was a breathless sensation, not quite panic but almost that would weave in and out.  Right now.. it seems to be normal land. 

 

Mrs- Actions vs Feelings.  It's so foreign to speak things they way they should be instead of how they are.  I found this confusing in the beginning because I didn't want to lie to myself.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't shoving stress down that needed to be dealt with.  What we talk about here is a different kind of confession.  It's accepting where you are, but not that you will stay there, yes?  My friends and family have all these transition stories I won't bother you with ..yet! 

Healing is going to come.  There is an 'appointed day' for this to end right?.. My fear/ panic/ always lifts.  Always, but when I was having my 10 adrenal rush back in Dec or Jan I was truly afraid I would die of a heart attack.  I mean how much can the body take, right?  I called my counselor and she had me repeat.. I will not die, my body can handle this, just because others have problems does not mean I will, my physical progression thru this is mine and no one else's, I have called the Dr and done my due diligence to make sure I am physically able to make it, ..lots of factual statements.  You need factual statements because they are the truth and the benzo lie is just that.. a lie.  If that doesn't help then you get on here and tell us a hairy monster is chasing you and ask if it is real.  Way back in March when my heart started skipping beats, Coop and Ed C reached out to me and told me to go to the Dr and that the odds were everything would be fine.  I did and they were.  List those lies and fear and knock them off the list. They raise their head at odd times no predicting, but mine have subsided immensely.  It's always more about dealing with them when they come.   

 

Sky- Tell us how your errands go!  Good job getting out and running errands.  I remember the first month I was able to get out.  I made my cousin come with me..eek!  Sooooo scary.  We would go grocery shopping and then I would get this sensation..MUST...GET..HOME..!!  The world would become small very quickly.  I would drop her off and scoot into my house just in time to miss the worm hole sucking everything in!!!  totally remember that sensations!!  Thank you for the compliment.  Maybe I will give a story time before bed on night..hehe...

 

Here is a 'cool like that' statement for miss Peace. 

 

So, I think appearance wise, I appear very calm, cool and collected.  When I talk, depending on what needs to be said, I can fire off information with the precision of an intelligence agent passing top secret code before the enemy takes me captive!  I can also be very calm and reassuring with my words.  One day in high school, I was driving a friend home.  She looked at me and said she wanted to drive like me.  I looked at her and said, 'how do I drive?"  She said, 'well, you have your seat as far back as possible, with on hand in your lap and the other resting lightly on the wheel'.  I'm sure I smiled and said very calmly, 'Yeah, I'm cool like that'.. 

 

MommyR

[[li...]]

Mommr, you are truely an incredible person and your writings are so precise. I think I just overloaded the CNS and it came back and bit me. I have depression as my real last symptom. I still "what if" allot although I wonder if that is just "me". I try allot of CBT techniques on it but with limited success. I'm just tired of feeling these waves. It is such a challange as I was feeling up and out and good for about 3.5 weeks. Well, I pray to God almighty that this lifts real spontaneously ( I figure that God has alllot of time so "very soon" to him might be to long for me  ). Talk to you all soon. Thank you again Mommyr.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Good writing, MommyR I've been keeping a calendar tracking my windows, so when my mind says "always" I say "Oh, contrary!" and show myself the calendar. Facts are right there. They don't lie. Praise God for the healing

 

So grateful for the progress that's being made, every second of every day. Wherever I'm at. Things will turn the corner I believe tonight. Consider that -- the 'window that opened that never closed' that we write about someday in our success story could just very well open in the next 15 minutes! Wow! That is cool

 

Hope everyone else is doing well today Take care and happy Saturday to you all,

 

Mrs.

 

 

[[li...]]

mrsalw,

 

I was wondering about the affects of the beta blockers. I took one yesterday at 2;30 and today I did not take one. My heart rate and blood pressure is fine today. Could it be still working after 24 hours? I appreciate any help on this.

 

Life

[[...]]

Life, I looked and it states that it depends on the beta blocker, but that it can't remain in the system up to 3 days.

 

[[li...]]

Thank you, GMIT. Just dealing with this depression BS. I do have many stressors and I know that my baseline has gone up a bunch in the past months, but it is so interesting how when in a wave we just don't believe anything positive. I know that I am grateful for so much. I know we are all going to heal but is this a tough road! wow! How are you and everyone doing today?

 

Life

[[...]]

You definitely cannot tell during a rough time that you are improving! It's so hard, I will truly examine my situation when I'm not feeling well and tell myself...

 

"Look at acute! Remember how you would pace? Remember how much worse the anxiety was? Etc"

 

Then I see that I cannot even compare that moment to early on...I see improvement. That tells me that healing is happening!

 

I am feeling good right ow! I'm not in a full on window, but feeling really good!

 

[[li...]]

That is so great GMIT. I already feel a bit better but still in a wave caused by outside events. It so hard this benzo stuff!

 

Life

[[...]]

Yes it is!!

 

I went shopping today, then took my daughter and granddaughter to dinner!

 

So glad you are feeling better!!

 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... long day again sort of ... woke up from broken sleep ... lots of lousy wave stuff around my head ... high anxiety ... forced myself to Farmer's Market ... that is the one thing I will not give up during this process ... lousy trip ... came back ... and everything started releasing ... by 11 AM I was "down" ... and exhausted ... had a six hour "nap" ...

 

Still good ... just my jolly tinnitus bipping along ...

 

Lots of posts again today ... holding each of your stories ...

 

Drew ... the "emotional emptiness" is part of the process ... it waxes and wanes ... the caution I have for myself is to never "act" on anything when I am in that place ... it is not "me" ... it will release ...

 

Take Care Folks ... we are getting there ...

[[...]]

Nova, so happy you posted!

 

Wow a 6 hour nap! That's amazing! I could use that...but refuse to nap for fear it will make mess with my nights!

 

So glad to hear it released some this morning!!

 

[[mr...]]

Hi Life,

 

I think Coop mentioned it was 12-24 hours, depending on the beta blocker --but don't quote me on that for sure I think she also mentioned that the beta blockers can sometimes add to a bit of depression, so no worries about your  wave It will pass soon

 

Its been a "surfing" late morning & afternoon type of day today. Riding everything out to shore, patiently awaiting another lovely window -- it is coming -- possibly tonight? In the next 15 minutes? It is possible! That window that opens and never closes might just happen tonight How cool of a thought

 

How's y'all's nights? Hopefully lovely Take care for now -- Mr is getting out of the shower 

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

Hi Life,

 

I think Coop mentioned it was 12-24 hours, depending on the beta blocker --but don't quote me on that for sure I think she also mentioned that the beta blockers can sometimes add to a bit of depression, so no worries about your  wave It will pass soon

 

Its been a "surfing" late morning & afternoon type of day today. Riding everything out to shore, patiently awaiting another lovely window -- it is coming -- possibly tonight? In the next 15 minutes? It is possible! That window that opens and never closes might just happen tonight How cool of a thought

 

How's y'all's nights? Hopefully lovely Take care for now -- Mr is getting out of the shower 

 

 

Mrs.

 

Mrsalw I do not know if you have read my prior posts with the addiction specialist? I went to see a benzo wise Dr. and he said one day you just wake up and the window stays open forever. It is that simple. He said a major turn around month for many is 8 months but ultimate healing he said is anywhere from 8 months to 18 months. They did a survey here on benzo buddies and found that the average time for healing is 14 months. So, it does not matter how low you may feel today, you are right when you say that you may heal in the next 15 minutes.

 

life

[[mr...]]

I am watchful for this very moment, L4M

 

It is coming Maybe tonight?

 

Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... yep they just show up ... I had been in the "pits" for several days ... had a terrible morning and things just "released" ... go figure...